Being in love vs loving someone

[thelostfreak]

DP of 2 years and I going through some issues to do with our future / cadence of seeing each other and meeting kids “officially,” coming to a head We both have DC from previous marriages.

he has been quite abrupt with me recently due to work stress. He has a tendency to become very matter of fact and practical in stressful situations, so during our conversation today, I asked him outright whether he was in love with me or just loved me?

he said that he did not know the difference between the two but “probably both.” This really triggered me for some
reason, because as far as I know, everyone knows the difference. He is also over 55, been married, had plenty of girlfriends. And my exH used the phrase that he loved me but was not in love with me as part of our long, slow, hideous break up.

I finished the conversation then and there and have been spending evening with kids only to receive this screenshot just now. He has googled what is the difference between loving someone and being in love? He wrote accompanying it: “the second one.” Ie his feelings about me are more “in love.”

is it pathetic of me to be relieved? Is there any grown man or woman who is 55 plus who doesn’t actually know the difference between being in love and loving someone?

Just to add that he has been telling me liberally that he loves me for about a year, despite not defining which of these it is

You need therapy to deal with the ending of your last relationship IMHO

Sounds like your ex has caused you some trauma given the cruel slow breakdown. Now DP has clarified (great that he made the effort on his own to answer too maybe?) try not to let it sour things…don’t make it too big an issue… remember too love at best is a verb and something you/they do so that if you never had to say/hear or define it most of time you’d know. Just rubbish you been through the mill and had to ask. Hoping his moods improve. Sounds like he was alone and thinking about what you said. 🥰👌

Most people would have to think about it for a while when put on the spot about it. Your past is colouring your views and making you over-sensitive to the difference. Actually, I'd say being in love is more in the exciting early stages and can be confused with infatuation, and loving someone is deeper and more meaningful, so not something I'd say until 6months to a year in. But that's just my opinion. It's doubtful your ex loved you either, it was just his way of saying he didn't fancy you anymore ( maybe because of fancying someone else).
Your current DP has answered as well as anyone could, the difference isn't as black and white and obvious as your experience makes imyoy think it is.

If me and DH were to discuss this I'm not sure we'd reach a mutually-agreed conclusion on the exact definitions. It would probably piss him off too.

Sorry, pressed send too soon.

There's things here you need to work out here individually, and together.

This precise definition is not it.

I must admit I never considered there was a difference between the 2 expressions.
Not nearing 55 so maybe there's some wisdom I am yet to develop.

if someone asked me that question I'd be struggling to answer and I'd question if they were playing some stupid mind games. in fact I'd not bother answering and would back away.

The screenshot you added makes some sense.

To be honest I'd struggle to answer that too. My definition would be that being in love with someone is the first stage of love, when it's heady and you can't bear to be apart, to love someone would be for me later in the relationship when you settle down a bit and feel certain of each other.

At the very least I think if I was put on the spot I'd have to think about it for a minute.

Sorry, forgot to say I'm in my late fifties.

Some would say loving someone is better than being “in love”. We had this reading at our wedding:

Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion.
That is just being in love, which any fool can do.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.
Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.