How can I think more positively about myself and future?

[RidiculousRed]

This is long and I'm rambling lots but would appreciate any advice, guidance or even just being told to pull myself together!

I separated from my partner nearly 2.5 years ago. We were together for nearly 12 years and have 2 children. He proposed after nearly 10 years but due to covid we didn't marry. I ended the relationship when our youngest was 2 months old. He was drinking heavily, taking drugs, gambling etc. This had happened on and off throughout the relationship and I finally realised things would never change and I was waiting for someone to grow up who had no intention of doing so.

He has the children every other weekend for one night. He won't have them any more because it would be "Doing me a favour". He was regularly missing maintenance payments and owes about £1500 - I went through CMS in the summer and he has paid every time since then. And I know he will never pay the amount he missed. He is unpredictable - sometimes will pick the kids up and not say a word to me, other times will try and chat like we are old friends and other times will shout and swear at me.

I've had a really hard year personally: my oldest son was moved to a special school after being suspended for more than 30 days from school for lots of reasons but he has SEMH needs, he also had to be interviewed by the police due to an incident at school, my dad was diagnosed with cancer and thankfully after intensive treatment was given the all clear in the summer, my Uncle died, my gran died and another uncle was also diagnosed with cancer. So all in all it feels like I have been looking over my shoulder for the next bad news.

After saying about thinking I was ready to start dating, one of my friend's set me up with someone at the start of the year but after one date, he didn't get back in contact. Then I started online dating. I met someone and things moved quite quickly and we dated for a couple of months. Then he ghosted me completely out of nowhere. Since then, I've been on several dates that went no where because it was clear we weren't compatible and a few that I liked but talked my self out of it and ended things. I just convince myself there is no way they would want to be with me. I've lost any confidence that anyone would or could want to date me.

Meanwhile, my ex went travelling last year and met someone so they've been together just over a year . She lives in Australia. She's visited England twice during the year and they've met up on long haul holidays twice (while he wasn't paying maintainance). After his most recent holiday to meet her I then saw him on a dating app so I assumed it was over. I was wrong - they are in fact engaged and getting married next summer.

She is over again for Christmas and New Year. I know I can't say anything to her because I will look like the jealous, bitter ex. He has told me she thinks I'm crazy. I've seen her twice when he came to pick the kids up on Christmas Eve for a few hours and when he picked them up on Christmas day in the afternoon. One time she just got out the car and didn't say a word and the other time she just said an awkward hi. They've both posted photos on fb of them together with my boys like they are a family. I don't have him as a friend any more but they both tagged in his mum and sister who I was friends with but I unfriended them after the photos made me so sad (I know I should have done that from the start but his mum said she liked seeing my photos of the boys). I'm glad his gf seems to like my children and it would be horrible to think he was with someone who didn't like them but the photos really hurt my heart. He rarely ever posted photos of us on fb when we were together.

The whole thing has put me in a spin. How could he be on dating apps when he's getting married? It's made me question if he was using them and seeing other people while we were together. I know that doesn't matter now anyway but he would regularly stay out all night drinking so had plenty of opportunity to do it.

How can I let this poor woman think moving half way across the world to be with him is a great life move?

How can I get out of my own head and move forward dating?

How do I stop feeling so sad?

I self referred to talking therapy in the summer and have had 3 CBT sessions. They leave me feeling worse than before. I've asked if they can change the sessions as I don't feel they are helping on the way I need. I had nearly a year of CBT after my youngest was born which did help as I had terrible anxiety and ocd but this time it is no help at all.

I need to get out of my head and thinking, over thinking and making myself feel so sad. I try and say positive affirmations and do mindfulness breathing fairly regularly. I remind myself of all my blessings: 2 wonderful children, a family who support me to the end of the world, wonderful friends, a job that I get a huge amount of fulfilment from and great colleagues. But still I have a fear that his life is moving on and I'm going to be stuck with single mum as my personality. I've got a friend that split up with her ex after I did and has met someone and they are so happy and almost living together.

Please help because my head is spinning and I really want to start 2024 with a positive mindset and looking upwards.

Get yourself out there and get some new hobbys. Take up a dance class, join a book club, start hiking in groups.. whatever you can to learn to live yourself.

Also, your ex really needs to have the kids more. You need a break and he needs to do his job as a parent.

I wonder if there's any way you can access some proper psychotherapy? I agree that CBT doesn't sound like what you need at the moment. You sound still very focused on your ex, which isn't surprising as you are having to co-parent. It sounds as if you are having to carry far too many mental burdens with zero control.

If therapy is too expensive, what about trying some meditation classes? Some way of getting some mental space where you can put down these burdens and fears for a while and walk away/rest.

Work on yourself first. Best time to meet someone is when you’re so content with your own life it doesn’t matter if you do or not. When you’re still healing and a little vulnerable (understandable given all you’ve been and are going through) maybe not having that rollercoaster for now will mean even better ending for you one day. Hoping 2024 will be the year you get your bounce and self-belief back as loving yourself helps others to love you too.

Thank you. I have been going to netball and have made some great friends there. I am going to try and make more time for myself and see what other things I could try in 2024.

I have asked if they can change the cbt and the last I'm talking with is going to take it to her supervisor. It is over the phone for 30 minutes every 2-3 weeks and doesn't seem any help at all. I feel like the lady I speak with just has a script in front of her.

Most of the time I don't think about my ex except when I know he is coming to pick up the children - I'll often have nightmares the day before he is coming. But since seeing him on the dating app and then finding out he is engaged plus him seeing the children 2 extra times over Christmas it does feel like i can't escape the thoughts.

Thank you for taking the time to write such a kind reply x

Men tend to meet their next relationship extremely quickly after finishing their previous long term relationship. Women, particularly mothers, tend not to do so and can spend years alone (often perfectly happily!)

id stop focusing on trying to meet someone. The answer to your problems/unhappiness doesn’t lie in the next man/finding a relationship. I notice on MN every time someone posts about their breakup or how they want to leave their DH, the posts are full of ‘don’t worry, you’ll meet someone lovely/why don’t you get out there and try meeting someone ‘ etc as If a man will define a woman’s life and be the solution to all their problems . Spoiler; it doesn’t work that way!

its always super super hard when the father of our kids brings in a new partner into our kids lives. Really hard. But we can’t prevent that; we have to hope the woman is decent person who will be lovely to our kids. We have no say on who the father introduces (unless the new partner is abusive or something to the kids, of course). After a while you won’t care about their relationship and it all becomes normal life.

I'm the same OP - long & unhappy relationship with ex-P - he was a narcissistic abuser who had affairs.

Then I left him & have been on my own for 4 years now.

He has been with another woman for years & I suspect he's a lot nicer to her than he was to me, which is hard.

Have majority care of DC too, so very limited time for hobbies, online dating etc.

Finally met someone I really liked on OLD & he was very keen but after 5 months he slowly ghosted them dumped me.

Just trying to pick myself up yet again but it's very hard.

Awe. Fingers crossed 🤞 you’ll get a better therapist. That sounds very unsatisfactory if so wooden it feels scripted.

Sounds to me like you’re doing great. Even if doesn’t feel like it. Netball and other activities a fantastic start. Working on you first to lay foundations for a much better future. Very wise. Sometimes those who rush into a new relationship learn not taking time to heal and grow first just means next one doesn’t last…

Understandable too that you’d get set backs and sometimes struggle at thought of handovers. We aren’t made of iron/stone and just need to be extra kind to yourself when that happens.

I get how you feel. So hard to see someone that you know can be so cruel and hurtful in a relationship and seemingly doing what you wanted them to do with you with someone else.