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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Day one of the silent treatment

26 replies

barkymcbark · 29/12/2023 19:30

My dh has always done this, thankfully we don't row very often so it doesn't happen very often, he tells me afterwards that he's not punishing me, it's not him giving me the silent treatment, but needs to retreat into his shell to process things.

The problem is, it's him giving me the cold shoulder that makes me feel that maybe 'this' is it. He said last night, during the row that he'd got to the end of the line with the relationship. I'm sure he didn't mean it, but that alongside his silence makes me feel horrid. My ex emotionally abused me for years and it was a tactic he used to get his own way. It feels very similar to this.

We had a row last night, not helped by the fact we were all tired from having visitors for Xmas and not sleeping well (we gave my dp our bed). But it's a row we've had several times before, because we never resolve it, as I'm so glad once he starts to talk to me again I don't push the issue. I'm also not great at conflict but do like to try and discuss things, it's just he thinks I'm in the wrong and he's right and he now gets annoyed if I bring it up. So after he shouts at me he then gives me the silent treatment.

This time I won't try and smooth things over, he can talk to me when he's ready, so will be interesting to see how long it lasts, as I usually try and push him into talking to me, which will sometimes bring him out of his shell. We're supposed to go out on nye, but I bet my bottom dollar he still won't be talking to me so I might as well cancel it

OP posts:
GreyBlackLove · 29/12/2023 19:42

Taking some time to process things and calm down is one thing, ignoring you for days on end is entirely another.

Sorry to say it but this would be a deal breaker for me.

Cherrysoup · 29/12/2023 19:49

Why do you tolerate this shit? His behaviour is shit, ignoring you is shit. Having the same row and expecting a different outcome is not clever. Is there no way to resolve the issue? Dealbreaker for me, too.

Original poster
barkymcbark · 29/12/2023 19:50

GreyBlackLove · 29/12/2023 19:42

Taking some time to process things and calm down is one thing, ignoring you for days on end is entirely another.

Sorry to say it but this would be a deal breaker for me.

That's my thoughts as well. I think it's sensible to think before reacting, but it feels like punishment at the moment. I'm upstairs as I can't stand the deathly silence downstairs.

I also feel like I'm contributing to it now by not trying to talk to him, I feel like I'm being as bad as he is.

OP posts:
Original poster
barkymcbark · 29/12/2023 19:51

I don't know why @Cherrysoup probably because it doesn't happen very often as we don't row often, maybe 2/3 times a year

OP posts:
GrumpyPanda · 29/12/2023 19:54

I also feel like I'm contributing to it now by not trying to talk to him, I feel like I'm being as bad as he is.

Better to think of it as not rising to his bait.

Can you make alternative plans for NYE? Maybe with friends? Or even solo?

Iloveacurry · 29/12/2023 19:55

What’s the row about? Why can’t you resolve it?

Bumblefuzz · 29/12/2023 19:56

This sounds like my mother's behaviour. Before retirement she would also just walk past breakfast that he had made her and go to work, leave her lunch that he made etc. My DD(13) loves her DGM but is quite scathing about her behaviour to my DF. I don't really understand why he stayed. I don't doubt that they do love each other, but I don't really understand how you can love someone and still do that. They've been married close to 50 years though.

Original poster
barkymcbark · 29/12/2023 19:57

That's a good way of looking at it @GrumpyPanda thank you.

I've made some plans for tomorrow which will keep me busy, not ever been that fussed with NYE so might just stay in with a book and a few glasses of wine.

OP posts:
MahShinyShoes · 29/12/2023 22:43

Honestly, treat this bullshit with the respect it deserves i.e. none whatsoever.

Carry on with your life, do nice things, enjoy the peace, hog the telly & ask him occasionally 'oh lord is the silent treatment still happening? Aren't you bored of it yet? Well, I'm ready to talk so when you've finished your sulk, do let me know'.
Or I'll say 'I don't really want to sit here with you killing the mood, I'm going to bed. Hopefully you'll be ready to tell me what the problem is in the morning'.

It's a stupid childish power play to make you feel shit and stop talking. If you refuse to feel that way and point out the ridiculousness, it loses it's power.

DH used to do sulks & I used to worry. I got SO fed up & realised I just cannot be arsed with such childish behaviour. So I started treating it with the contempt it deserved & he's pretty much stopped and when it happens it's maybe an hour. We have been known to actually discuss and resolve situations like adults for a few years now.

SirChenjins · 29/12/2023 22:48

Get out now. My dad did this for years - sometimes it was hours, sometimes days, sometimes weeks of silences and my mum, sister and I were constantly on edge waiting for his next silence brought on by something we’d said or done ‘wrong’ and the effect it had on our families and our ability to have friends round or go out socialising. I’m in my fifties now and it still affects me.

It emotional abuse and you do not have to tolerate it.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 29/12/2023 22:57

Keep going with your own plans, order a pizza for yourself, put on loud music he hates. It's so ridiculously abusive and childish, my DP does it too and it shreds my nerves as I am very insecure and can't cope with the rejection. I snap my partner out of it by the above and ask him if he could just look at the wall instead of the mega sulk because at least I could laugh at him that way. It's rubbish, I've sent my DP articles about it being abusive as it's a habit from childhood, he does it far less. I wouldn't put up with the shouting aswell. Why don't you go away for a night and get pampered.

MistletoeandJd · 30/12/2023 00:48

He is absolutely abusing you hoping ome day 'you'll learn not yo question him or poke the bear '

What's the argument over ?not being nosey but possibly more insight. Space can be a really valuable tool and stop things getting said that shouldnt but.... I don't know any non abusive people that withdraw for long periods of time.

MistletoeandJd · 30/12/2023 00:51

Don't hide upstairs either !!! Be happy is the only way to knock it out of him

MindHowYouGoes · 30/12/2023 00:56

barkymcbark · 29/12/2023 19:51

I don't know why @Cherrysoup probably because it doesn't happen very often as we don't row often, maybe 2/3 times a year

Is that because you avoid rows because you don’t want to face the inevitable silent treatment? So you suck up minor disagreements until you can’t avoid a row any longer and then you get his silent punishment?

HamBone · 30/12/2023 01:01

I wouldn’t tolerate this once let alone multiple times, OP. When DH and I have a row, we usually stomp around avoiding each other for an hour or two, and then we apologize.

Ignore his behaviour and organize sone fun activities for yourself. Once he does start speaking to you, I’d inform him that this was last time-if he does it again, you’re off.

ZeppelinTits · 30/12/2023 01:19

Mate, this is abuse. I've just left someone for similar. You are repeating the abusive relationship you had with your previous partner, I'm sorry to say. Is there any way you can access some therapy?

WinterDeWinter · 30/12/2023 01:26

The reason it feels like your previous abusive relationship is because it is.

Panaa · 30/12/2023 02:23

But it's a row we've had several times before, because we never resolve it, as I'm so glad once he starts to talk to me again I don't push the issue.

What's the row about?

Original poster
barkymcbark · 30/12/2023 08:12

Thanks for all the responses. To answer the question about the row, it was about my DD's behaviour. He thinks she's selfish and inconsiderate, I think it's typical teen behaviour. 90% of the time she's lovely, she's polite, caring and funny. She's doing well at school and has a part time job to help pay for her hobby.

Most of this is out of earshot of my dd and it's me he constantly rolls his eyes at it or moans to. I have her 50/50 with her df, so you'd think he could manage to be more tolerant for the week she's with us. She's lived with him since she was 8, she's now 15.

OP posts:
BethDuttonsTwin · 30/12/2023 08:17

So she’s not even his child. Cancel New Year if it’s a reservation or formal plans. Don’t discuss with him just do it. Tell him you’ll be wanting a talk in the new year about how to progress with a formal separation because you’re not prepared to live this way or have him bitching about your well behaved daughter any longer.

Original poster
barkymcbark · 30/12/2023 09:06

BethDuttonsTwin · 30/12/2023 08:17

So she’s not even his child. Cancel New Year if it’s a reservation or formal plans. Don’t discuss with him just do it. Tell him you’ll be wanting a talk in the new year about how to progress with a formal separation because you’re not prepared to live this way or have him bitching about your well behaved daughter any longer.

He did say during the row that he was drawing a line under us, so I'm taking that to mean he wants to separate. But his actions don't reflect that, he's carrying on as usual minus talking to me.

I'm going to cancel NYE, it was a reservation at our favourite restaurant so nothing that involves anyone else.

OP posts:
ZeppelinTits · 30/12/2023 09:19

barkymcbark · 30/12/2023 08:12

Thanks for all the responses. To answer the question about the row, it was about my DD's behaviour. He thinks she's selfish and inconsiderate, I think it's typical teen behaviour. 90% of the time she's lovely, she's polite, caring and funny. She's doing well at school and has a part time job to help pay for her hobby.

Most of this is out of earshot of my dd and it's me he constantly rolls his eyes at it or moans to. I have her 50/50 with her df, so you'd think he could manage to be more tolerant for the week she's with us. She's lived with him since she was 8, she's now 15.

Oh God, the person I've just left was exactly the same about my 15 year old DS. Thankfully we never moved in together. I realised after a while it was just another stick to beat me with, and also an argument we would never resolve. Mainly because DS wasn't doing anything wrong, just being a normal teen. But my ex was being a massive cunt.
Please don't stay with this man.

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 30/12/2023 09:22

Take your dd for the meal. .. And ltb.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 30/12/2023 09:23

To dangle an idea that he intends to leave a 7 year relationship and then refuse to actually talk - is awful.

Are you supposed to wait around wondering if your relationship is or isn't over?

ReadtheReviews · 30/12/2023 09:38

If I had a penny for every post that includes ' dh is behaving like an asshole, oh by the way my previous relationship was abusive'. I don't know the details of the freedom programme but if it stops people putting up with shit because it's mildly less shit than the last person, it would be a great idea.
You don't have to put up with it. If it feels awful, it is awful.

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