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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Communication Crapness

2 replies

havalina · 16/03/2008 21:06

Couldn't think how else to phrase it. Basically me and Dp can't communicate at all. If I try to bring up difficult or intimate subjects (sex, or our relationship) he either changes the subject or refuses to talk. Even discussing things like me going back to work etc is fecking hard work in itself.

I know I am moaning but he never initiates any conversation that doesn't relate to Tv or something inane or his work. I have to initiate everything, from deciding where our children go to school to what we are going to spend money on.

He acts like he has no emotions whatsoever, I can't get any feelings about anything out of him, he often changes the subject or buts in when I am saying something. But the thing is he is so damn reasonable all of the fecking time. I feel like I am the mad one for wanting him to share something of himself with me. I feel like I'm going mad, like i'm the one in the wrong, and we should just carry on this superficial relationship because there aren't any obvious problems.

He is good in other ways, he gets up with the kids, cooks, kisses me now and again, etc. He says he loves me but I'm not convinced, he's not really interested in me, never asks my opinion, reinforces his opinion if I offer mine (eg he says I like soandso, I say I don't, he says well I do end of conversation).

I just don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not, I have crap self esteem at the best of times and i'm scared of rocking the boat/being alone.

OP posts:
Jackstini · 16/03/2008 23:15

Sounds like he is wearing you down Havalina You seem to be the one making all the effort so no, I don't think you are going mad. Do you feel like you are only existing, not really living?
It must be really hard for you to try and understand someone who is not making any effort to understand you or accept who you are. Glad to see you still recognise that you do have your own opinion - don't let go of that! It is ok that you don't always agree but make sure he knows that you still have your point of view - even say to him "well ok we'll agree to differ on that one then as I don't feel the same way you do"
I have heard that if you are in a relationship going nowhere you need to stop asking yourself if you can live with it. There will be lots of situations/people that you could live with. Ask yourself if you can live without him. What are your first thoughts?
Have not been in this situation myself but wanted to bump for you in case anyone else has some advice.

Fryschocolate · 17/03/2008 12:57

I've just posted on something very similar myself, I'm wondering whether it is a 'man thing' some genetic problem?
We've tried counselling etc and he always knows the right things to say to the counsellors about the need to communicate, but then it never gets put into practice. He says its embarrasing.

Sorry, this isn't really advice, more commiseration. I know how you feel. I'm not sure anything can really be 'done' about it. Perhaps some men are just like this.

Maybe try counselling; its not worked for us but I have heard encouraging things from other people.

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