Please help me not to be repulsed by my DH's table manners

[Blueskythinker]

I have a wonderful, loving DH.

But I have a problem. His table manners are atrocious. He shovels enormous mouthfuls of food into his mouth, barely chews his food, and puts more in before he has finished the first mouthful. He eats so fast, a full plate would be empty in 2 minutes. He starts eating before I have sat down at the table. When he has finished, he gets up from the table and starts wandering round the kitchen, pottering, even though I am still eating. And I haven't even started on the burping & farting at the table.

I have spoken to him about this many times, but although he says he will try to be better, he always reverts to type. There are times I can't bear to watch him eat, and I would rather eat in a different room (although I don't). I don't want to be a nag, but it really irritates me.

I know I should be grateful for the wonderful man I have in my life. I also know I shouldn't be trying to change him. I am sure there are many, many things that I do which irritate him. But this really winds me up.

You hear of old married couples who divorce after 53 years of marriage, and the wife says, 'I just couldn't put up with his smelly feet / hairy back / picking his nose etc any more'. Am I going to become one of these women?

What can I do to change my attitude to this?

Is he just like it at home Blue or at other people's houses/when you go out?
Not sure if it is badly learned behaviour or he is just being lazy at home?!
Have you asked him what the worst thing is that you do? Maybe you can work on things together...
Do you have dcs? If so what is he like in front of them?

You know what they say, you can't change someone else's behaviour, you can only change the way you respond to it. So it's probably not a bad idea if you do start taking your meal into another room.
Mind you Jackstini makes a good point about whether or not he behaves like this in front of other people - because if he does, you may find yourselves a bit socially isolated. Also, something that might be worth discussing with him, if he's otherwise a nice bloke, is that if the DC copy his table manners, then it may cost them friends, as other mothers will not be keen to have them round for meals in case they pass on the gross behaviour they have learned from Daddy to other people;s DC...

Tell him just how much it's bothering you, at a time when you're elsewhere and not eating. And mention your second to last sentence, so he takes you seriously and bucks his ideas up. You sound well balanced and you obviously love him. Assuming you have children, I'm sure you've shown them how to eat nicely? It's not too much to ask that he does the same. If nothing else he should be showing them how to behave.

The farting and burping isn't on. Tell him there are tiny particles of actual shit released when somebody farts*, and it's very offputting when you are eating to know that you're also eating his poo along with your food as he couldn't be bothered to hold it in. Tell him if he wants to fart whilst eating you'll serve his dinner in the bathroom from now on. If he persists, leave the room and eat elsewhere until he gets the message. Hopefully he'll realise he's acting like a pig and be embarassed. If not, stop cooking for him altogether, that'll learn him.

*Fact: Flatulence is a mixture of gases that are produced by symbiotic bacteria and yeasts living in the gastrointestinal tract of mammals, mixed with aerosolized particles of feces.

Oh dear, you could be in for a long haul here. My dh is like that (minus the farts!) and I've tried and failed for 30 years to change his eating habits. Neither ds nor dd are the same. They followed my example, not his, thank goodness. Good luck!

Is he good in the sack, though?

it got to the stage just before exh and i split, that i couldnt bear to be in the same room as him when he was eating, i would start becoming filled with rage

his jaw would click rather loudly, which i know was not his fault, but he would eat really fast, getting it all round his face like a baby, and he used to just shrug if i pointed it out

this was in public as well as private

plus he seemed to have an inability to chew with his mouth fully closed

my blood pressure is rising just thinking about it

oh yes and the burping and farting as well

If you have a mobile you should film him...or at least record the sounds...sometimes you can't understand how irritaing something is unless you see for your-self...it may shame him into making more of an effort..lol

oh God how disgusting!
The farts are just enough for me thanks,,,

Good idea Mumcentreplus.
If not - borrow a camcorder and play it back to him on your biggest tv...

Can you say that you BOTH want to set a better example for the kids?

My dh has good table manners and eats tidily but does eat noisily. I think it might be a combination of his jaw clicking and atually I just don't know why it is so loud (he keeps his mouth shut).
All I can say is I identified this as an irritating thing about him early on in our relationship and made a conscious effort to not worry about it.
Occasionally esp if we are eating with others it crosses my mind, but I just give myself a mental shaking down and let it be.

my dp was an only child served his dinner separately and in front of the telly on the whole, his whole childhood. he was married twice before i met him and yet his first ever family meal time has been in the last few years since we have met and had dc.

freaky but true.

i am a bit of a lover of family meal time as an idea. he, however, makes meals for dc or meals for us or meals for himself. never all together. weird.

he does at least agree with family meal time in principle tho... i will make it happen, it will be the norm one day. sigh.

re the flatulance: my nana used to say; 'wherever you be, let the wind blow free, for holding it in will be the death of thee.' wise woman, but i think even she meant not at the dinner table.

fwiw, its a v amusing thread topic

"I also know I shouldn't be trying to change him."

Why do you think this?

Your DH is demonstrating extremely antisocial behaviour. You have a responsibility as his wife to help him, for everyone's sake.

My DH has good table manners but Rhinitus issues. So when his mouth is full and shut weird snorty snot noises are made from somewhere within. I am slightly snot-phobic - the sight of a snotty toddler makes me want to gag - so I do just take my plate and remove myself when the mucus moments happen.

Re the OP - I think videoing him is a top idea, and also feel you are making way to many excuses for him. I'm sure he is a lovely guy, but regardless of the fact partners in every marriage have their irritating little quirks, what he's doing is just SO antisocial that I think tactful tolerance is out the window.

Ah but how is she going to manage to video him without him knowing / consenting to it?? I do agree though - it has to be sorted. It's a basic courtesy to your fellow diner to use basically decent table manners.

This has made me really laugh. Unfortunately he does do this in company (although he manages to control the farting & burping for these occasions). I want to say 'eat slowly FGS!' but would be mortified to say something in front of others as it would be like treating him like a child. . . .

If he is behaving like one though....