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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Strange reaction?

13 replies

Xztop · 29/12/2023 15:19

I've been with my boyfriend for a year. He was staying at mine over Christmas, this was the longest we'd spent together throughout our relationship.
He woke up yesterday and just seemed in a strange mood, very quiet. I mentioned that to him and he said he was relaxing. Fine. I went quiet too but the atmosphere became unbearable so at 8.30pm I said I was going to watch TV in bed. 30 minutes later he came in, said he was leaving because I was acting weird, packed his stuff and left! I said "aren't you even going to discuss it" as he was packing and he said "I don't do arguments" and left. I haven't contacted him today as I don't know what to say, I'm completely flummoxed by his reaction!

OP posts:
macaronicheezepleeze · 29/12/2023 16:44

Fuck him. I couldn't be arsed with all that nonsense.

littlebopeepp234 · 29/12/2023 17:00

As pp has said, fuck him! He was the one who was quiet and acting weird but decided to blame you. I can’t be arsed with the passive aggressive type who make it obvious that something is wrong but refuse to communicate it and would rather play silly guessing games then gaslight you into thinking it’s your fault. The “I don’t do arguments” line is more passive aggressive bullshit rather than saying I will treat you how I feel like it and expect you to tolerate it and not confront me!

Xztop · 29/12/2023 17:05

I'm just in shock tbh, he was so lovely before that.

OP posts:
Pocketfullofdogtreats · 29/12/2023 17:08

Sounds as if it's him, not you. Something's happened that you don't know about? Has his ex asked him to come back?

Xztop · 29/12/2023 17:20

@Pocketfullofdogtreats no, definitely not his ex. I obviously pissed him off somehow but I literally have no idea why!

OP posts:
Burntouted · 29/12/2023 18:18

"He woke up yesterday and just seemed in a strange mood, very quiet. I mentioned that to him and he said he was relaxing."

If he had just woken up, and was relaxing perhaps he was getting himself and thoughts together..just mellowing out..

"Fine. I went quiet too but the atmosphere became unbearable so at 8.30pm I said I was going to watch TV in bed. 30 minutes later he came in, said he was leaving because I was acting weird, packed his stuff and left! I said "aren't you even going to discuss it" as he was packing and he said "I don't do arguments" and left. I haven't contacted him today as I don't know what to say, I'm completely flummoxed by his reaction!"

If you're questioning him and expecting him to just go into full blown conversations, perhaps be engaging and entertaining as soon as he had woken up...perhaps that was the problem.

He may be the type of person to wake up, and just be quiet and relaxing for awhile in the morning...be still in the moment.

Maybe he was enjoying the moment, and things were ruined when you possibly misinterpreted and became angry and assuming because he was quiet. He was quiet..then you went quiet.

Honestly, if this was the case...I understand why he left.

He was mellowing out and just relaxing being quiet. (Nothing strange about waking up in the morning relaxing quietly)
Perhaps he was enjoying himself, and being in your company while doing so.

Perhaps you are the type of person that is uncomfortable in silence, and perhaps relaxing. .perhaps you may not know how to relax, or maybe you're a person who is happy and satisfied with little downtime.

He interpreted your angry silence as perhaps the beginning of a full blown argument, and decided to remove himself before things got out of hand.

He figured you already were silently arguing him.

Also, perhaps you made him feel unwanted and like you weren't enjoying his company.

I personally would be uncomfortable and feel confused if the person I had a good time with the previous day decided to question me about relaxing...and my quiet method of relaxing seemingly offended them. .then instead of them relaxing with me and enjoying our remaining time together ..started a silent argument and didn't seem to be able to relax.

The change would be off putting and would ruin things for me.

It would also seem to me that person is trying to progress the silent argument into a verbal one, that places blame on me.

I would feel like that person is trying to blame me for whatever is causing them to not be able to enjoy themselves further in the visit...I would feel like that person would be playing games by starting arguments trying to get me to engage more verbally because they are uncomfortable in silence. I would be angry, confused, hurt, disappointed, and feel disrespected.

I would have left too.

Op, you may want to rethink this relationship...

Especially, if you're more of an extroverted ambitious and engaging morning person, and perhaps he's not.

Perhaps this would be a deal-breaker for you..as it may drive you mad and become very unsettling for the both of you.

Xztop · 29/12/2023 18:44

@Burntouted thank you for that perspective. I was actually out for 2 hours shortly after he woke up so it wasn't like I was on his case. I mentioned him being quiet at about 1pm, he got up at 9am. He usually tells me I'm too quiet all the time and I am not an overbearing person ever. I'm more than happy to sit and relax in silence but I could sense the atmosphere hence me mentioning he was quiet.
I do think the mature thing to do would have been to discuss it but I guess some people just find it easier to leave rather than deal with it.

But I feel relieved, I'd like a man who is emotionally available and he isn't sadly.

OP posts:
littlebopeepp234 · 29/12/2023 18:49

Xztop · 29/12/2023 18:44

@Burntouted thank you for that perspective. I was actually out for 2 hours shortly after he woke up so it wasn't like I was on his case. I mentioned him being quiet at about 1pm, he got up at 9am. He usually tells me I'm too quiet all the time and I am not an overbearing person ever. I'm more than happy to sit and relax in silence but I could sense the atmosphere hence me mentioning he was quiet.
I do think the mature thing to do would have been to discuss it but I guess some people just find it easier to leave rather than deal with it.

But I feel relieved, I'd like a man who is emotionally available and he isn't sadly.

Your last sentence says it all really. Emotional unavailable men seem to act this way and refuse to discuss their issues but as I said up thread, act extremely passive aggressive so you’re having to guess what their fucking problem is and will just pass the blame back on to you. And then start with the ‘I don’t want any drama or arguments” shit if you try to confront them over it.

LightSpeeds · 29/12/2023 18:55

"But I feel relieved, I'd like a man who is emotionally available and he isn't sadly."

Well, this statement stands out. There are clearly other issues.

If you're not used to spending long periods of time together, perhaps it was too much for him and his silence really indicated that he wanted to leave (which he did as soon as you made 'noises' about his mood). The fact he wouldn't talk about things either doesn't bode particularly well.

Xztop · 29/12/2023 19:06

@LightSpeeds correct, we're not used to spending so much time together. To me it's obvious we would piss each other off at some point, it's only natural, but i wasnt expecting him to act like he did.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 29/12/2023 19:13

Sounds like he's training you.
Training you to walk on eggshells thinking about his mood.

Acting weird and reversing it onto you when you pull him up on it. Gaslighting. Designed to make you question if you've done something wrong.

Did he love bomb in the beginning of the relationship I wonder?
Or perhaps he thinks 'I gave her a nice Christmas so now I can blow cold and start the headfucking'.

Abuse often starts to show after the first year. Especially after a really romantic or lovely time. Once they think you are hooked.

Look out for him going radio silent for a bit, to 'punish ' you. Expecting you to chase after him all worried. Then perhaps popping up again as if nothing was actually wrong. Testing to see if you'll just drop the issue as if nothing happened. Common abusive tactic.

Hopefully this isn't what's what but...
Never get stuck in a cycle of 'misundersing' with a partner. Its often the case in these sort of relationships that they WANT you to feel misunderstood or like you have done that to them. It keeps you constantly thinking about their needs, in fear of being accused of something or other.

Pinkbonbon · 29/12/2023 19:15

*misunderstanding

Burntouted · 29/12/2023 19:17

Well then..

Unfortunately it's probably best to seperate, unless the communication issues and others can be resolved.

Find someone who is more emotionally available and mature. .

He'll just leave you in a state of confusion and baffled a lot...

Are you sure that he's completely single and wasn't rushing out because of someone??

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