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Relationships

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Original poster

Fiancé of 7years thinks she may be lesbian. I’m heartbroken.

16 replies

AC1994 · 29/12/2023 11:41

My fiancé of 7y thinks she is lesbian. She feels going through relationships she may have suppressed these feelings and after talking to a friend who is lesbian it’s made her question her feelings more. We have a 6m son, a house & planning a wedding, I’m devastated. I love her but I don’t want her to hide her feelings and they possibly reoccur at a later stage. I want what’s best for us but also our son. Any advice please?

OP posts:

80s · 29/12/2023 12:04

Whether or not she's lesbian, it sounds like she's off? Will you be going for 50:50 care of your son?
Has she brought this up for the first time at Christmas, your first with a new baby? Quite a shitty move - it's all very well being "true to yourself" etc. but a bit of consideration for others is still required.
Has she been having lots of chats and meeting with her friend?

Original poster

AC1994 · 29/12/2023 12:14

Since having our son we have certainly found difficulties in intimacy but accounted them to lack of sleep, time for each other and financial stresses. She has said that in previous relationships she felt she could be interested in women but always saw the ideal lifestyle of being married and perhaps afraid of what others may think. That last 2/3 weeks she has been speaking daily to a friend who is lesbian. Slowly they have become a lot closer, talking constantly and going out on long walks. On Boxing Day she told me she couldn’t keep it from me and she didn’t know what she felt or what to do. She likes this girl a little but is also worried about throwing the 7 years of what we have away as she loves me and can see us in the future as married etc. My concern is that if this is buried but not dealt with it would reoccur and we could be much deeper into our relationship (married, with more kids etc l). I love her dearly and will always respect her feelings but at the same time I need to think for myself and my son. I don’t want to be a fall back option if she decides she isn’t a lesbian but at the same time I would be devastated if this meant we drifted apart and she found someone else (including another man if she later decided she didn’t like women). She’s always said I would never lose our son but living together in a house we both own and trying to work out a path forward is incredibly difficult right now. I have told her that I cannot guarantee i will be here still if she chooses to find herself and decides it’s not for her and that petrifies her.

OP posts:

Shouldershoulder · 29/12/2023 12:18

Apart from waving a magic wand and this not happening, what do you want? There's not much you can do about her feelings , so you need to decide what you want to do.

GreatAuntMaude · 29/12/2023 12:20

You are being very kind. It sounds to me like this "friend" and her are having what amounts to at least an emotional affair.

I would ask her to not see this woman for a few weeks, and tell her you will also give her space - maybe move into a different room for a while - just to give her headspace and the time to take stock and, decide what she wants, and make sure she's not had her head turned by a woman with an ulterior motive.

In the meantime, you can also have a think about what you want.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 29/12/2023 12:22

That last 2/3 weeks she has been speaking daily to a friend who is lesbian. Slowly they have become a lot closer, talking constantly and going out on long walks.

she’s having an affair.
you need to come up with a formal plan for your child and call off the wedding.

80s · 29/12/2023 12:23

So she's been openly seeing another woman, while still with you? And she told you on Boxing Day that she'd like to hook up with this woman, but if things don't work out as she hopes then she'd stay with you? And you're OK with this?

Of course you won't lose your son. Why would you? Why is she saying that as if it's out of the kindness of her heart?

cansu · 29/12/2023 12:23

I think that whether she is a lesbian or not is a red flag. She is telling you she does not want to remain in the relationship. It is obviously easier for you to accept this if she is a lesbian. She may be or she may be telling you this as it is easier to leave the relationship amicably.

Spinet · 29/12/2023 12:24

I think you have to focus on yourself very clearly now. Otherwise there is a risk that you will live a half life trying to sort out her feelings for/with her.

Presumably what you actually want is her to be wholly on your relationship again but since it looks like you can't have that, would you rather be free to find someone who is sure about their relationship? Are you (genuinely) ok to wait for her to decide?

What I wouldn't do is allow her to indulge in lots of conversations with you about whether or not she is a lesbian, nor basically conduct an affair in plain sight which is what she's doing right now. If you can't feel happy/satisfied you don't have to be made to feel completely disrespected either.

erikbloodaxe · 29/12/2023 12:42

You bought a house together......not a lesbian when that was all taking place. I expect it was exciting setting up home together.

Was she a lesbian when your baby was conceived or were you and your sperm just convenient? Having a baby is a very exciting time too.

I'd not be waiting around entertaining this new 'exciting thing'. Find your fire. How dare she!

SecondUsername4me · 29/12/2023 12:44

Well, man or woman, she is having an emotional affair.

I think you need to plan for separation. And talk to her about how that works with the house, baby etc.

demonheed · 29/12/2023 12:47

"She’s always said I would never lose our son"

Good of her I'd be pointing out that she lost the moral high ground when she embarked on an emotional affair (at the very least) and decided to tell me on Boxing Day of all fucking days simply to ease her guilt.

I would also be pointing out that she doesn't dictate whether or not I "lose" my son.

EarthSight · 29/12/2023 12:47

I'm so sorry OP. It sounds as if she's been having some kind of affair with this woman, and is too scared of making that leap. She sounds like she wants to continue having a foot in a more conventional set-up whilst also continuing to explore what she feels with this other woman. How would you feel if she were doing that with another man?

Tooshytoshine · 29/12/2023 14:13

Straight women tend not to question their sexuality in this way.

She is saying she is attracted to this friend but is scared by the 'lifestyle' choices that go along with this. You are the safe option or compromise and that is not good enough for anybody.

I'm really sorry (and I say this as a gay woman) but she is acting in a really shitty way. She is treating you like her best friend and you sound like you are trying to be as supportive as possible. But you are also her partner and co-parent, who she is not considering or valuing.

Draw some lines in the sand, she can't continue having these long walks with her friend, it is undoubtedly an emotional affair or limerance, she needs to have counselling or you both have some space to decide what you want. She doesn't get to drag you into her confusion and journey of self discovery. She needs to respect your partnership or you need to walk away.

perfectcolourfound · 29/12/2023 14:23

Based on what you've said, I'd be very concerned that she hopes to continue her marriage with you, and have an affair with this friend (or another woman) on the side.

Various things you said suggest this:

She always saw the ideal lifestyle of being married
She was perhaps afraid of what others may think
She is worried about throwing the 7 years of what we have away as she loves me and can see us in the future as married etc.

It sounds as though she wants the 'front' of a traditional marriage and family unit, so nothing has changed to the outside world. She wants to stay married to you for this reason. But she's admitting that she has feelings for someone else.

Please don't agree to this. In fact I'd make absolutely clear to her that I won't be a back up option or a front.

K8ate · 29/12/2023 14:32

Get all your ducks in a row and ltb.
See a solicitor as soon as possible.

GreatAuntMaude · 29/12/2023 21:49

@Tooshytoshine
Depending on how old she is, I think periods of questioning are completely normal.

I have been with the same man 30 years and not looked at any woman in that time. But in my early 20s I had a very intense female friendship that became an affair for a while, until I worked out that breasts and fannies are not for me, sexually. I adored her though. I wasn't the only one of my friends to explore my sexuality before settling down as straight or gay (or bi).

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