Anyone else in a sexless marriage?

[Bahhumbugintriplicate]

How do you cope?
Sex with my DH was never great due to his ED but we managed with viagra. But I always felt that was for his benefit, not mine. I’ve never felt sexy or beautiful with him. Because if so many things I’ve now built walls to protect myself and I just can’t imagine ever having sex with him again.
I feel numb. There is no spark. It saddens me because so many other things about our relationship are good but this is the one cog that stops the machine working.
We had a discussion about it and both admitted to self pleasure about four times a week so that would suggest our libido is matched. Tried counselling but it didn’t get to the root of the issue. For me it’s like putting in huge amounts of effort for something that was never right in the first place.
My first DH never seemed to want to have sex either so I’ve spent most of my life NOT having fulfilling (or any) sex. It must be me.
though I’ve had plenty encounters between husbands so maybe I just pick incompatible husbands. It’s killing me to think I’ll never have sex again. I’m in my mid 50s :(

@Bahhumbugintriplicate

maybe you’re both not sexually attracted to each other anymore ?

who used to instigate sex ?

Is he satisfying you in sex ?
Or is he wham bam all for him ?

relationships flow in ebbs and lows

maybe but sexy underware & tell him what you like in sex -
communication is key

Yep

@Meme54 sex never seemed to be spontaneous. It was very much ok were in bed now we’d better have sex, like it was akin to brushing your teeth, just routine. Even though we were both up for it. When I came off the pill he seemed more connected with me and I felt special and loved. Once I became pregnant he backed right off. I’m actually amazed I ever had another kid.
but truth be told, the sex was never good. Even with viagra, he struggled but he never considered how frustrated I felt of did anything to satisfy me.
He never looked at me in a sexy way, would almost avoid all eye contact in fact, then when got into bed he could hardly keep his eyes open. He actually fell asleep once when I was giving him a blowjob. I felt awful.
after that it just dwindled away to nothing.

We almost split last month but felt so sad about giving up on 24 years together. But I just can’t imagine ever wanting sex with him ever again. I should never have married him but I thought that’s just what married life was like so you had to put up with it.
i should never have married at all nor had kids. It doesn’t seem to suit me. Kids are up and away now and I’ve been a good mum but I just don’t feel like I’m living my best life.
I gave up work when I had the kids as it was the right thing for them. But I’m now in my 50s with no financial income. I’m entitled to half of everything I suppose so could afford a wee flat but it just seems so terrifying. And the kids would hate me.
I can’t believe I’m in this situation. In short I’m absolutely gagging for it that it’s all I think about and no amount of fancy knickers or conversation is going to make me want to even try shagging him again. I just don’t fancy him even though he is very good looking.

like you I was in my mid 50s and realised I had never had a fulfilling sex life, I had just gone through the motions.

I stopped sleeping with my husband some years beforehand, I just didn't fancy him anymore and we lived together but as friends for years.

I then met someone else, and the sex was good, and it awakened something in me. That didn't last but I wanted that again.

I met my now husband, the minute we slept together it was a wow moment for both of us, we have a connection that neither of us have ever had before. It is quite literally mind blowing.

It is hard splitting with someone after so many years, but it can be done. It has caused my heartache with one child, but we are getting there now.

Scary as it is, you can't spend the rest of your life regretting not getting out there, you might find your 'one' like I have - albeit at a later stage in my life.

You might live another 30-40 years - do you really want no/bad sex for the rest of your life?

I think it’s unfair for anyone to expect that of their partner unless they’re happy for them to find it elsewhere.

If you really dont want to split maybe discuss an open marriage/taking a lover?

Why marry people with whom the sex is crap? That's your problem, no surprise the way it's ended up. Its amazing how years down the line so many compain there's no sex when it turns out it was rubbish from the beginning.

You've really got three choices. Stay together as is, and accept that the shop is shut. Tell him you're not willing to shut the shop and work out if he would accept opening the marriage and staying together, with you having a lover/s. End the marriage and see if you can find someone you're more sexually compatible with.

Given that it doesn't seem to be a mismatched libido issue, it's not like you can nudge it towards a middle ground even. No easy answer really, but the grown up children will have to accept what you decide to do, you can't live out the rest of your life for them.

Growing up sex was seen as something dirty, never to be spoken about.
Sex with my XH was always a chore. I've never had a great interest in it and now with OH we never do it - mainly due to ED, but that actually suits me fine.