When to tell the kids

[Startwiththebasics]

Hello everyone. Shortly before Christmas, my partner of 16 years decided it was time to end our relationship. We have two DD (very soon to be 5 and 10). We have carried on these last 3 weeks as normally as possible and not told the girls, partly since it was Christmas, and also we don't have an awful lot of choice in terms of one of us moving out etc.

We haven't fallen out, my partner just felt that they saw me more as a friend, and doesn't want to try to rekindle things. They've moved on, but for me it was a complete shock. I'm still in the process of dealing with it all but think I'm now out of the shock phase. We aren't arguing, and any tears have been kept from the kids, who I don't think have any suspicions. I know they pick up on a lot, but I certain they wont be expecting it. We've been a tight family unit and our eldest says regularly that her family is the most important thing to her.

Our question is, can anyone with experience advise on when to tell our kids? Does it make any difference? Our gut is that we'd like to tell them as soon as possible, but have heard stories about people telling their kids close to Christmas and it tainting Christmas for them forevermore. Decorations are still up and they just started playing with their toys as we've been away with family for a few days. They go back to school on Tuesday. Our options seem to be mostly between this weekend (we haven't managed to prepare how to say it yet but not sure you really can plan that much), or next Friday after school/Saturday morning. We're planning to tell them separately due to their differing ages. Would it be best to allow that bit of extra time to get some distance from Christmas and wait until they've started school again, should we just do it tomorrow, or is there a better third option?

Thank you

Anyone? Hoping for some quick advice due to the timescales.

Is your dp going to leave the family home - is that why you've selected those days?

We were going to be buying a house together this coming year, now we will be looking at whether its possible for us each to buy our own flat. Neither of us want to stay in the house by ourselves. We've selected those days because doing it on a school night seems wrong, but at the start of a weekend might given them chance to absorb it and to spend time all together while they absorb the news, and ask any questions that come up in the first couple days while we're around. Also there is more chance of them seeing other family members who can offer their love.

Sounds like you're planning it thoughtfully. There's not much else you can do, alas.
I would personally not leave too big a gap between the announcement and any change in living arrangements. Waiting ages for one parent to move out could be quite hard.
You could perhaps also prepare for the announcement a bit by discussing the topic in general, talking about how families come in different shapes and sizes.

Thank you. Unfortunately the financial hit of splitting up, and the competitiveness of the housing and rental market makes it difficult for either of us to move out immediately. No friends or family feasible to move in with either. My (ex)partner is hoping they can buy a small flat quite swiftly, but obviously this takes a while even when you find somewhere. I can imagine waiting for one parent to move out may be hard, but i imagine it all happening very suddenly would be hard too?