Splitting from drunken H - practicalities

[theansweris42]

Hello. Posting about my H, have posted before.
I am going to be telling him tomorrow that we are over.
I'm in a rubbish situation financially and practically and any info/tips would be so welcome. I am very scared.
I finish my job tomorrow, I resigned due to 4 years of bullying and due to them not accommodating flexible working for me to manage my fibromyalgia and to assist with coping with DS14 with severe OCD.
I will get another job, I am an NHS manager in a quite senior role but I
will do anything I can get. It'd have to have some wfh for me to be around for DS. So it might take time.
There's some equity in the house. I guess we put on market? But when its time for finding a rental or a property purchase....I might be jobless. With a DS with severe mh problems and an autistic DS.
So, if not in a new job would I get housing benefit or UC? Even with savings?
I know Turn to Us or CAB will help.

Its just 0230 and I'm supporting DS to shower by sitting outside the bathroom door. H has been drunk and verbally abusive and i am struggling to see a coherent way out.

H won't leave. We will just have to live here together til we can depart. How do I avoid him? He just watches TV so I can stay upstairs but :(

Sorry you're going through so much difficulty. I'm awake worrying about my alcohol dependent DH, wondering how I and if I can help him, wondering if I should leave him. I'm stressing about visitors coming tomorrow because he always drinks a lot with them. And my son (early 20s) has started copying the same drinking style (way too much on special occasions).

I wish I had some useful advice to give, you're obviously in a very difficult position with a lot of challenges. Well done for starting to think about an exit strategy.

Hopefully someone will come along with some practical advice for you. Solidarity in the meantime.

Thanks notfeelingfestive, I'm sorry you're in a similar situation. I've tried so hard for so long to help/not help and I've realised that this is it - he won't change. And my DSs and I deserve better. Thank you for the solidarity

Hello, sorry you are both having such a rough time with partners at the moment. My first husband was a drinker and leaving him took me a few years because I was scared of what leaving would look like etc

OP have you spoken to anyone in real life about support. Citizens advice are good at telling you how to go about getting housing help or financial support. They should be able to point you in the right direction to organises that can help you too. Also is there a woman's refuge or womans charity near you that supports people leaving their partners. They may be able to give you advice about how to proceed in the best and most safest way.

In the end after I left my husband and struggled for those first few months life quickly improved. My children were safer and more happy. My oldest child has autism and his father never really could understand how to relate to him. Once we were separate my son was a happier child in general. I started a college course that then led to a university course. As part of a couple I would not have been able to afford this but at the time as a single parent I got a lot of financial help. Then about 5 years after my separation I met the nicest man you could meet. We have know been very happily married for 21 years. There is definitely light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to build up the courage to leave and then deal with a little time of struggle whilst you rebuild your life into the one you want.

I've been there. You both need practical support and to talk it through with professionals,
If you are experiencing any kind of abuse, even verbal, speak to women's aid - they won't force you to do anything. They will just assess your situation and give you advice.

Gingerbread can help you understand your finances. JK Rowling always sings their praises as they helped her get her finances straight when she was fleeing domestic abuse.

Speak to your GP about your partner and ask for a referral to the local services for families affected by addiction. You'll find the advice and support invaluable.

What are you both doing for your own stress and mental health?

See a solicitor about the divorce ASAP. Divorce should help push through the sale of the house and division of the assets.

In your position I'd look for a cheap rental ASAP. You could then show them your latest payslip as proof of employment. But obviously that'll only work for the next month or so as then they want a newer one surely.

Often people say not to leave the family home but imo, fuck wasting another second longer than you have to there, even if it takes longer to sell up.

Can you get a place sorted before you tell him though? Even if it's just something temporary like staying with family?

Consider selling anything you can on ebay too to save up. And before you tell him anything, get proof of his income and put any of your important items or documents somewhere he can't access.

Sorry you are going through this OP. Just wondering why you need to tell your husband yet. As soon as you tell him this will create loads of extra drama that you will then have to navigate and manage. I suggest that you deal with the practicalities first - like understanding where and how you and your sons are going to live. I agree with PP, get advice from a solicitor who does family law. Get details of your husband’s work pension and income and also of your own accrued NHS pension to take to the solicitors. And also get advice about your benefits entitlements from the citizens Advice website and the .gov website. Wishing you the best of luck for a calmer happier future.

thank you for the replies. I want to tell him because I do not want to engage with him at all when he is drinking. However I see the point being made.

I've had the good advice before. I've offered the good advice before. Why is it so tricky to do??

In theory I could leave it until I have a new job but I just don't want any of us to be near him when he is drinking.

not got any practical support really (mum old and MH issues) but I have friends who will listen and be supportive.
nowhere to stay. a cheap rental is a good idea but oh I did want to try to not move DS while his OCD is so raging.

Air bnb long stay? I wish you good luck with your separation x

I've left my alcoholic husband almost 2 years ago now and I can tell you that you are absolutely doing the right thing for you and your DC. You will find life a lot easier, less stressful and your DC will thrive. They will be able to tell the difference in you and benefit from this hugely.

From a practical standpoint:

• go and see a solicitor so you know where you stand. Knowledge is power. ExH had a law degree and would regularly use this against me. Once I had a solicitor, that stopped because he knew he couldn't lie to me anymore to intimidate me
• speak to CAB and/ or citizens advice to see what financial support you would be eligible for. You might be surprised
• savings - are you over the threshold now or only after the sale of the house? A house sale can take a while so you wouldn't have to worry about that immediately. I got a lump sum payment as part of my divorce which meant I was over the threshold for UC but I applied for an exemption because that lump sum was meant for our new house purchase. I got a 6 months exemption for the amount of that lump sum, so I could continue to claim UC. It's worth enquiring about
• Speak to your GP to help you signpost support for your DC with regards to their dad's alcoholism. You want this on record. I asked for support from my HV at the time and unfortunately also had to report him to social services together with the school. I also have police records.
• contact alcoholics anonymous. They are really good with families of alcoholics and I found it really helpful to talk to someone
• contact women's aid they really helped me see the abuse I was suffering on to of the alcoholism. They can help you with the practicalities too

Finally: you've got this!! You are doing the right thing. Good luck

air bnb what a good idea thank you
Namale thanks for that helpful list. I didn't have a clue about the UC possibility. Will do some research.

I have been up all night with DS. And now in the office for my last day.
H will get up and be sorry sorry. He won't remember. He is so horrible to me when drunk. We are under loads of strain with the DS issues but that's just no excuse whatsoever. I manage to have a glass of wine and not verbally abuse him.

He goes glassy, looks dead behind the eyes as they say.
Last night he came to sit next to me (I was upstairs) and holding my hand saying why am I not just chilling downstairs with him?

And I can't really answer because I don't want to prolong this stupid conversation. And, for the first time, I felt a bit afraid, that he might flip, lose control, be angry (often is) but also this time....lash out.
Ew.

sorry Namele got your name wrong

Firstly do you feel unsafe? If so you should contact the police, people can then help you. If it's a case of drunken but not domestic abuse then put the house on the market, you can then claim uc including housing if you move out but only until your house is sold - there's a short period after you sell they will pay too but then the savings limit kicks in. I would suggest looking at shared ownership options for instance, it's possible (very dependent on location) to find a property you can rent (with uc) then put your equity into once house is sold, then rent the remaining portion, I know someone who has done this recently, you are far from alone in this situation so orgs understand.

Best of luck sorting through everything OP. I realised this morning that I needed to start my own thread so I've done that in the alcohol support topic.

I can only imagine how difficult it must be to have to deal with all the challenges you face at the moment, but as others have said, your life will be better on the other side. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, researching your options, coming here to MN to talk, putting plans in place. You can do this. One step at a time, you'll get there.

I'm sorry you're going through all this.
The good thing is you've decided you're leaving, the hard part is done.
I don't have very much knowledge with regards to your sons needs but do you think he may be happier not living with his drunken father? The anxiety that causes is awful, I do know about that. Everyone treading on eggshells, cut the atmosphere with a knife, you feeling unhappy.
That list is endless really.
You have had some great practical advice upthread, I hope it helps you move forward as soon as it's safe and you're able to do so. 2024 is your year 🎉