Struggling relationship with baby's father

[Lilaniseed]

I have a 1 year old DS with someone I've known on and off. We were together a couple times and I became pregnant accidentally, but DS is very much wanted by both me and his dad. The thing I struggle with is my relationship with DS' father. I have feelings for him and he says he feels the same about me, but he doesn't want to be together. I've asked him why and I've never got a straight answer other than it's complicated and now I sort of wish he'd stop coming over all the time because seeing him makes me sad that we are not together. He comes to see DS almost daily when he's home; I want him to have a relationship with his son so I don't stop him coming over when he wants, but my feelings are complicated.

He was here on Christmas day and we had a lovely day, but he slept on the sofa downstairs and left early in the morning without saying goodbye. I feel deflated now and don't know how to best deal with the situation. He can't have DS at his because he's in a shared house, so he's always over at mine.

I know it’s easier said than done but I think you should just focus on yourself and your child. It’s great he is still wanting to be involved and sees your son frequently, but you’ve (I presume) told him about your feelings towards him, and he has said he feels the same but doesn’t want to be together, so as hard as that is, that’s the answer for now. You both know where each other stand, he’s not going anywhere any time soon and he sounds like a good dad to your son, I would say try not to over think your feelings, it’s complicated but it sounds like you’ve got a good coparenting dynamic, see how things go, maybe in time he will feel differently, sounds like he isn’t ready just yet for an actual relationship, better you guys wait instead of him rushing into anything too fast. You could always say to him look I’ve got feelings for you and it’s hard at times to see you so often, he may have a good solution, and hopefully understands where you’re coming from x

Could he not take him out? Take him to family?

He takes DS out some days, but he still has to pick him up from mine on those days so I still have to see him. I know it's unreasonable, but it really hurts when I watch him smile for DS and hug him whilst he can be frosty with me. No family unfortunately. His mum died when he was young and his dad passed away unexpectedly 2 years ago. Christmas really hurt because fine you don't want to be together, but would it really be so hard to say goodbye to me? I feel he left early on purpose to have the excuse that he didn't want to wake me.

If he were into you, surely he’d be with you. That’s how men operate. Unless there’s a reason OP? Maybe he’s trying to keep you as an option.

I don't know. He's said he's in love with me and wishes he bloody wasn't. It makes me feel like I'm somehow tainted. I don't think there's someone else. You never know of course, but I struggle picturing him trying to woo any woman really.

why wouldn’t be be with you? You have a baby together. Have you asked why not?

Focus on what is the important thing the child you chose to have with someone you hardly know

Because he doesn’t want to? Doesn’t even sound like they were ever properly together and the baby wasn’t planned he may feel he was is being pushed into the situation and being trapped (not saying that’s the case but a lot of men feel tricked into it when the pregnancy was unplanned and they weren’t together)

@Lilaniseed - this sounds very painful but there’s no situation so complicated that he cannot be with the mother of his child, when he acknowledges and is very actively involved with the child. Ignore his words - look at his actions. Do you have a friend or relative who can help with handovers while you start to recover from him?

I am focusing on the child! But DS will get older and surely start noticing how mum and dad talk to eachother. DSdad suggested yesterday to take DS on a trip for a few days. I'm tempted to say yes, but it'd be the first time I'd be away from him overnight.