How do I cope?

[Steve14]

Hi, I am a 67 year old male, married for 44 years with 2 sons. My wife has had CFS for 32 years, I am her Carer. Our youngest son, 35, has autism involving very challenging behavior's at times. We are also his Carers. Our oldest son, 40, met a girl from Australia on The Internet and got married and has 2 daughters out there. Due to family argument at their wedding, we only get to see our grand daughters every 2 weeks for 40 minutes through Zoom calls. Our youngest son wants to go to Japan in March and we are going to have to go with him to protect him. We asked if we could come onto Australia, to see our grand daughters, but were told by our son and his wife that they don't want us to come! My wife and I have been on anti depressants for about 30 years, but unfortunately I have now developed an alcohol problem as I self medicate to deal with all this. This of course, wipes out any good I am getting from the anti depressants and causes trouble between my wife and I. We are now at a loss as how to cope with all this.

Sorry to hear you’re going through all that. I don’t think people always realise the toll CFS can have on partners etc. That, along with caring for your son must be exhausting - physically and emotionally.

Can you speak to your GP about your drinking? Or about other support you can have to lighten your caring responsibilities? Anything that gives you a little breathing space - it might then be easier for you to approach your son about seeing your grandchildren more often.

Sorry I don’t have anything more useful, but hopefully some wise MN souls will be on their way to offer support soon.

Bumping this for you.

The last time I spoke to a GP about my drinking, he told me to get out of the house and go for long walks! That was the limit of his help. Besides, it would take about 3 weeks for me to even see a GP, if I'm lucky.

Thank you for replying at least and showing an interest.

Our son in Australia is now totally inapproachable concerning anything!

I think you need to get help with stopping drinking. Contact AA or similar. While getting out for walks may not have been the best advice from the GP. Getting away for time to yourself is definitely necessary.
If your son is planning a trip to Japan then he must be functioning himself to some degree.
Take some time away from both your wife and son to charge your own batteries

As your GP is not helpful ask to see another Dr at the Practice or contact AA or similar. You are under a lot of pressure and you need proper help and support.
What was the family argument about? it must have been pretty serious if your son has refused to let you visit. Was it drink related by any chance? If so all the more reason to get help.
You definitely need to carve out time for yourself from your caring duties, do you have any hobbies or other interests so that you can get a break from looking after your wife and son? Counselling might be worth considering too as you have a lot to cope with.

Thanks very much for your replies.

Time out for myself is out of the question unfortunately.

I don't believe in AA and am not interested in joining them.

Being autistic, our son has huge "unrealistic expectations", and can hardly speak enough to make himself understood. He sees the world totally different from the rest of us and believes he can handle the situation. The latest bombshell he dropped on us, was that he didn't want us coming with him at all! and wants to go on his own! Legally, we can't stop him, but as a vulnerable adult, we know he couldn't cope with any of it. We seem helpless in this situation.

The family argument started over our son telling us the day before his wedding in Australia that he didn't want his brother having any part in the ceremony. Now nobody expected him to make a speech or anything like that, but we assumed our oldest son would let him stand next to him and maybe give him the ring. But no, this was refused. We still went to the wedding and behaved appropriately, but it all really stemmed from there. This was added to, when our daughter-in-law couldn't get on with us. Finding us OTT and in her face etc, she screamed abuse at us the last night of our second stay and we left as quickly as possible. This has lead to numerous entreaties and emails with apologies over the years, but he refuses to speak or see us now at all.

It was nothing whatever to do with drink!

That was almost 7 years ago.

I have tried counselling 3 times in the past but never found it of any help. Having people just sit and stare at you for an hour, with nothing to say, and charging you for it, I never found of any help.

Don’t believe in this. Can’t or won’t do that. You won’t do anything to help yourself or your situation.
How about let your adult son do what he wants? Your other adult son has already cut you off presumably because he can’t handle your behaviour. You might find your youngest one does the same

I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles. I think you need to respect that your son may have a different perspective on his childhood. With other family members with high support needs he may have felt less attention and connection than he wanted. I can understand why he might not have wanted his brother to participate in his wedding.

If you're not a fan of AA are there any other ways to reduce drinking? There are some threads on this forum. Would volunteering or other activities outside the home help boost your mental health? I think your GP is right about long walks in nature, is there a reason you're not into it? Best of luck.

I think you need to try and help yourself here. I agree with a pp about your responses being very much can’t/won’t/don’t believe in etc. it’s a very negative mindset. Sadly there isn’t a magic cure for everything you are going through.
Is your youngest son as dependent as you believe he is? I ask this because of your can’t/won’t mentality. What do you mean by he has unrealistic expectations of things?
You are resistant to joining AA, but they really are the best starting point for you. They are the only people qualified to help you with your drink problem.
It sounds like you have an awful lot on your plate. Have you got any extended family or friends who could help support you and your wife?

Thanks for all your replies. I appreciate them.

Even the nasty, hurtful ones.