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Relationships

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Original poster

boyfriend hiding me from his kids

21 replies

throwaway59 · 28/12/2023 18:26

For 5 months now I have been in a relationship with someone, who is a close friend’s brother.

Prior to this, I have been to many of their family outings/gatherings with my 6 year old child, hence how we met. So I have technically met his 2 sons before we even started dating. Recently, the 2 boys (10&10) have been onto him about him dating someone, and they actually guessed it was me. He told them no it wasn’t me and he’s not dating anyone, as he doesn’t feel ready to tell them yet.

However the other day I popped over to his mother’s house, and my boyfriend also went round with his 2 boys (we both didn’t realise we would see each other there), and one of his sons asked me directly ‘are you dating my dad?’

my boyfriend was standing behind him and had a face of sheer panic and shook his head at me to say no, which I did.

I feel bad that I’ve lied to them and wonder if this is going to cause more damage in the future to them, if they are told. He said his sons have even said to his own mother that they had hoped it was me.

My boyfriend has said he is still not ready to tell them, however at this point they are adamant it’s me and I feel like things are just getting messier and more confusing for them .
Am I in the wrong for thinking he should at least tell them?

OP posts:

Whatonearth07957 · 30/12/2023 19:02

Double life alert klaxon I'm afraid

Kedece2410 · 30/12/2023 19:03

Double thread alert too. I've read this before

AgentJohnson · 30/12/2023 19:07

Given that his sons have already guessed that you are his gf and you’ve already met, one begins wonder what ‘ready’ actually means to him. I would have serious misgivings about this one, he really shouldn’t be dating someone with his hang ups.

SylvanianFrenemies · 30/12/2023 19:09

How long have you been dating, and what is his reasoning? I think it is fair enough if it early days and he doesnt want to get their hopes up.

SylvanianFrenemies · 30/12/2023 19:11

Sorry, just saw it is 5 months.
It would be reasonable to discuss timescales with him.

Itslegitimatesalvage · 30/12/2023 19:13

Normally I would say too early but this is a very different situation to normal. You’re a family friend, you already know them, they like you and they also already figured it out. So, really, it is time they are properly told. That doesn’t mean you all hang out together. You need to be sure this will last before you start getting them used to all hanging out together, but they need to be told. What exactly does he mean when he says “not ready” because he just sounds a bit dim given the actual situation.

MintJulia · 30/12/2023 19:17

Five months is pretty early to be involving you in his dcs' lives. I'd have said 'your Daddy and me are friends, that's all' and left it at that.

But his panic is more telling. Is he still having a relationship with their mother? Or someone else? Looks like it.

samestyle · 30/12/2023 19:21

He's not that keen on you, kids aren't silly, they've guessed anyway, I think it's more about him being unsure, he had the opportunity to tell them and didn't want to.
He probably thinks the relationship will have to become more serious if he does.
Perhaps discuss what telling them would mean, things could carry on as they are, you dont suddenly have to spend time with him and his kids.

Neitheronethingnortheother · 30/12/2023 19:24

The fact that the kids know you and see you socially and want it to be you he dates might be his concerns though

They would get pretty emotionally invested and then if the relationship fails have to keep seeing you

Delassalle · 30/12/2023 19:27

The fact that you are a family friend gives it a different dynamic and unfortunately I don't think he sees you as being a long term item.

Coconutter24 · 30/12/2023 19:30

I completely understand where you are coming from but I also think that currently they know you as a family friend and obviously like you but when you start spending time together as dads girlfriend the relationship dynamics become different and they will more than likely become emotionally invested in you so their dad is probably trying to protect them by making sure you are solid.

LordSnot · 30/12/2023 19:34

It's been five months. Your lives sound very intertwined so it's already going to be messy if you break up, and he probably doesn't want his children more involved than they already are until he knows if you have a future.

Cambsdad77 · 30/12/2023 19:46

MintJulia · 30/12/2023 19:17

Five months is pretty early to be involving you in his dcs' lives. I'd have said 'your Daddy and me are friends, that's all' and left it at that.

But his panic is more telling. Is he still having a relationship with their mother? Or someone else? Looks like it.

Really?

we met each others kids within 3 weeks! Ok, they were older 13-16, and we did know people in common. 3rd date after a week I picked her up and her daughter was there.

almost 6 months in and it’s been great. Kids have met, my son actually works with her son on Friday evenings and started that a few months after we met.

it just feels natural and right to us.

Original poster

throwaway59 · 30/12/2023 22:07

What would make you think that? He has his sons 50/50 and I see him once or twice a week so find it very difficult to believe he could be living a double life lol

OP posts:

MintJulia · 30/12/2023 23:00

'What would make you think that?'

It's the fact that he looked panicked. Why would a man panic over how you describe your relationship? Because he has represented it differently to someone.

I doubt, as a grown up, he would panic about his sons' reactions, so that only leaves his ex. Or his mum. And no reason to lie to / panic about his mum?

Datingahhhhhhhh · 30/12/2023 23:08

@throwaway59 sounds like he doesn’t really see it going anywhere with you so he doesn’t want his kids involved. It doesn’t sound like it would be a problem for the kids so it’s clearly a him issue. This could get very messy with you knowing the family and I wouldn’t continue in this situation unless I felt it had legs. Does his sister and mother know you’re dating?

Original poster

throwaway59 · 30/12/2023 23:14

@Datingahhhhhhhh yes, his whole family know we’re dating and he’s had me over for Christmas Day with his family and with my child, while his boys were at their mother’s.

OP posts:

Datingahhhhhhhh · 30/12/2023 23:27

@throwaway59 that’s a positive then. I don’t think it’s wise for him to continue to lie to his kids though. It’s one thing not telling them but this is outright lying to them. The whole family know and his kids know something, so why can’t he just say yes you are dating but taking it slow. He doesn’t have to involve them in your dating. My thought would be that he’s not sure about the future which is why he’s reluctant. Only you know how it feels with him though, do you otherwise feel he’s 100% in this with you and has he told you he loves you yet?

MistletoeandJd · 30/12/2023 23:45

So not a double life

Bringing you as a date to the family Christmas ?

He doesn't want the boys mum to know because of xyz ?
It's too early for him to introduce you as a gf I think it might be tricky with your lives already intertwined I would say if a year is approaching and he hasn't confirmed with them then you should be upset

MistletoeandJd · 30/12/2023 23:46

Do you know much about the boys mum / the split ?

Panaa · 31/12/2023 05:08

I feel bad that I’ve lied to them and wonder if this is going to cause more damage in the future to them,

What do you mean by 'more' damage?

My boyfriend has said he is still not ready to tell them, however at this point they are adamant it’s me and I feel like things are just getting messier and more confusing for them .

You might be making this into a bigger deal than it is. My daughter was so nosy at that age if she heard me on the phone to a man etc and would be trying to guess who I was talking to or if I was planning on going on a date when she wasn't around. It was just nosiness and her finding it funny and a bit interesting to know I had a bit of a life outside of her 😅

This is a very new relationship and if the boys are fond of you it could definitely get messy if it ends and you're still around the family so your boyfriend really needs to be extra careful in this case to only introduce when he's sure it's serious and has a future,

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