Horrible situation!

[TraceyK66]

Hi all. I would like some advice please as my mind is not in a good place! I lost my son 2 years ago and I’m in a bad place! Dark! My husband, not my son’s father, does not know or how to deal with my grief. I really need to move out of the marital home and go alone. We haven’t got a relationship really, we sleep in separate beds and no longer have a marriage. The night before my son was killed he called me and my husband said some choice words to me so I didn’t answer the phone! This would have been the last time I could have heard his voice and it cuts me in half knowing that he took that away from me and stopped me talking to my boy! I cannot forgive him for that and I cannot come back from it! Can I ask, am I being unreasonable. I am in a bad way so please no nasty comments 🙏🏻😢💔. Thank you

I am so sorry I don’t have any advice but I just wanted to reach out and say how sorry I am to read of your situation, sending love 💕

It sounds like you are really grieving this is an awful situation for you. Grief can tear relationships and families apart. No-one can tell you how to feel but counselling can help you make sense of your feelings. Have you considered therapy?

Feelings aren't judged by reasonable/unreasonable. Actions are. So, whatever feeling you have, you respect it, and by means that are respectful to you. Also, by means that are respectful to anybody you deem to deserve your respect.

Tell him you can't forgive him, and that the relationship is over. Tell him that when you feel ready, emotionally and practically.

I'm sorry about your son.

@TraceyK66

Hi
You need to put your emotional well being first it's not selfish it's self preservation and it's essential for you,
especially in regards of the process of grieving,

I think 🤔 you need to seek good therapy specifically to dealing with emotional complexes of grieving and the circumstances of losing your son and cruelty of the unnatural weirdness of the way that you have losed your son prematurely,
when usaully it's the other way round,

Also it might also be beneficial to turn to support group for a while of some people who have experienced bereavement themselves, so they just get it", understand,

Treat yourself in a good way , eating nourishing foods, try not to neglect yourself,

Pamper yourself by having your hairstyle

Joining a healthspa

in my circle of friends going off on well being retreats sometimes or occasionally for a weekend or just one day seems to be a in thing,
this kind of thing or similar could well be beneficial for you too

Just a thought come to my mind,

Did your son have any interests or passionate 🤔 about any causes at all such as wildlife conservation, the environmental something else ect?

was he particularly gifted art wise , creatively in anyway or with some other fields you can think of then?

The reason being i am asking , is for example if your son was gifted sporty wise or art wise ect?

You could explore look up setting a memorial event , a charity or honour to rember him by and celebrate his life such as in a way that would encourage young people like minded like him to better themselves ect idea?

It could be a once a year event or a medal or 🏆 trophy in his honour or something else?

Also are you a spiritual or religious person or atheist ?

When i say spiritual i don't necessarily mean allways in the traditional sense of having to attend church or spiritual centre ,
It could be in unconventional sense as in not being a church goer but just be appreciating the wonders of the natural world like a child sense of curiosity ect,

Also get as much emotional support as possible,
Surrounding yourself with genuine supportive people who care about you.

Trigger warning for suicide..

Loads of good ideas. My question would be, if you split would it fix anything? If the answer is yes, then leave. But we don't really know what happened. So it would be wrong to tell you. Maybe the "choice words" were right. Maybe not.

Being alone can be great, but it isn't a solution. It may be just another way of running away.

My best friend had another friend. That friend was self- destructive in so many ways. We both tried to help her, but her primary "fix" was to phone her friend at early hours with her crisis. Or her suicide attempt. It was killing my best friend. She could not function with stress and exhaustion over years. I eventually told her that she had to switch off the calls during sleeping hours. To save her.

The call came in at 3.30am - her friend had slit her wrist again. Sorry, but she died because nobody heard the message. Nobody saved her this time. My friend wasn't to blame - she needed to save her own sanity. I wasn't to blame - my best friend needed help. We had both done our best but it wasn't enough.

He didn't kill your son. We didn't kill our friend. But it's easy to displace the anger and blame someone else, most often because we are so very angry that nobody is to blame.

I agree with PP, I think you are directing your anger to your DH instead of your son.
Anger is a natural stage of grieving.

Your DH didn't know your son was going to die - he was doing what he thought was right for you.

No-one should be blamed for anything in this tragedy.

Have you tried writing to your son, pour out ALL your thoughts and feelings, take as long as it needs. Then take the pages into the garden and burn them in an old pot.
Let it all go with the smoke.

I’m sorry. Have you had counselling to deal with the trauma and grief and to work through your feelings? Gently, your husband had no way to know it would be the last time you would be able to speak to your son and your grief wouldn’t feel any less even if you had managed to speak to him, I doubt you’d be thinking ‘well at least I spoke to him the other day,’ you would still be heartbroken and probably still wishing you had been able to speak to him one more time. The anger you feel at your husband isn’t reasonable even if it is understandable.

Oh bless you, my heart goes out to you. Loss of a child is the worst, cruellest grief. I am so sorry for your loss. My sister lost her DC and I witnessed many stages of her grief, intense, misplaced anger being one. She did find comfort in speaking with other bereaved parents, as only they truly understood what she was going through. I think it would be a good idea to speak with your doctor who could arrange some therapy for you. Sending love.

@feelingfree17

I totally agree it would even be more beneficial for Op,
if bereavement support group could be specifically for breaveed parents too,

Definitely contact your doctor to seek ,find out about a referral to get as much emotional support as possible out there for yourself,

Ask for social prescribing well being support aswell...

Thank you all for your reply’s. I value them all. I have tried grief counselling, I am very closed and don’t open up so much I pretty much suffer alone. There is so much more of my husband’s, let’s say behaviour, that nobody knows. My Husband didn’t like my son he was jealous of our relationship he hated my boy. (He actually said those words) He actually had me believing that he didn’t say it but we had a dog cam and it picked him up saying it! There are quite a few of the recordings that I have where he said he never said such things! He made me take the cam out of the kitchen. He would do everything in his power to stop my boy from coming to stay for a night or 2. He would make it an argument so I had to stop my lad from coming. He has sons too and I have never or would I ever stop any contact he wants with his kids! My husband is very good with mind games and turning it around on me. He convinces me it’s me and I don’t know what’s real or if I have said something anymore! There is so much more, but I cannot possibly put this all in here. Thank you all for your support on this. I think I am convinced it’s possible me and he’s been supportive, he keeps reminding me that he has supported me for 2 years and look where it has got him! 😔, his words! You probably wouldn’t believe the things he says to me, but he then tells me he hasn’t said that and twists all the words and I am left thinking is it me? Am I so mentally exhausted that I hear different to what he makes out he’s said! I just don’t know! 😢😔

I'm so sorry for your loss 😞. Your grief is so clear in your posts.

It does sound like a very unhealthy relationship with your husband is there somewhere else you can stay whilst you get your thoughts together on how to move forward? It will be easier for you to clear your mind without this negative presence. Perhaps also try different a counsellor, you may be able to open up with the right one for you.

No you are not being unreasonable.

Please do whatever you need to do to find peace for yourself.

I would suggest seeing a therapist or good friends? weekly to talk and unburden yourself. Locking it inside you doesn’t always help.

I am so sorry for your loss.