Avoidant/Anxious relationship

[ConfusedandUsed]

Any tips on how to walk away from someone when you don't want to.

I've been in an on/off "relationship" for 2 years now. It's a classic avoidant/anxious situation. To be fair it's mostly a fwb/situationship as every time we've tried to go full on relationship it falls flat on its face immediately.

But we just keep coming back together. Big feelings on both sides. We communicate well when we're together and enjoy each others company but we just can't make the transition. Mainly him just running away and shutting me out (sometimes for weeks). He is the one that instigates the upgrade but then freaks straight away and we go backwards. Hurtful behaviour from him. We kinda know the issues and talk openly about them.

I just can't keep doing it to myself. Each time hurts more than the last. I believe he wants it to happen but he just can't do it which makes me think he doesn't want it enough or I'm just too soft and he knows he doesn't really need to try. But neither of us seem able to walk away.

I know I deserve someone who isn't afraid to love me but I just want it to be him. We've both tried dating other people but it just isn't working.

How can I either make it work or find the strength to walk away.

"How can I either make it work or find the strength to walk away."

You can't. You're not at the stage of walking away yet (or else you would have done) and it takes 2 people being on the same page to make a relationship work.

This is what worries me. I feel I'm just gonna keep getting drawn back in and the avoidant behaviour is just going to keep escalating each time. I don't know how much more I can take but I can't stop. I honestly don't know what it would take to make me walk away!

Unless he is actually aware he is avoidant and willing to get help then you will just fall into the same cycle over and over again. It will not get better. Even if you try to point out to him that he’s avoidant he will most likely shut you out for weeks. I was the victim of one of these types a couple of years ago. They are extremely toxic and passive aggressive. They refuse to acknowledge they are wrong and will gaslight push the blame back onto you for all their shit they make you tolerate, it’s almost as bad as being with a narcissist. They actually seem to think that ghosting people and shutting people out is normal and that everyone else is crazy for wanting a normal relationship. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of anyone who has had a successful relationship with them.

How old are you both ?
have you considered what you actually want now and in the future from a relationship .
Maybe that would help with some perspective to move forward .

I think this is my concern. He is aware he is the one stopping things progressing he wants it to be different but then the same thing keeps happening. I have adjusted my behaviour in lots of ways since we met but he has changed very little. Some of these changes have actually been positive ones for me but others I have felt are compromises and have meant I have had to shelve my needs or have them met elsewhere. I honestly don't feel he has made a single change to stop him repeating the same pattern he is apparently unhappy with. It's just pull panic push over and over again.

We are both in our 40s and seem to want the same thing. I've had it before but he never has.