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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner been sexual with others / mental health

8 replies

Djalx · 28/12/2023 13:53

Good afternoon,

No idea where to begin.

During lockdown I found out my partner was paying for OF and premium snapchats/video calls and s-ting with a woman he knows.

Like an idiot forgave him and fell for his excuses.

Roll on 2 years I saw the same womans name pop up on his phone and as wrong as it is I went through his phone.

Now I've found the same woman with loads of nude photos, s-ting and complimenting her. Paid over £40 per video call with another woman, bought 'custom videos' all from September on my birthday to Christmas day!!!!

I brought it up and he is now calling mental health!? Saying he was lonely and needed someone to speak to, and it just happened to turn sexual.
Like wtf he knows I've lost 3 people close to me and maybe do believe he may be struggling but this is no excuse!?
And to actively speak to women where you need to pay for their "services" ?

I have a 13 yo Boy from previous relationship and we've been together 5 years and he's been a better father to my son than his actual dad has.

Do I believe he's done it due to struggling?

I've said for him to sort himself first before we even look at us

OP posts:
Iwishiwasasilentnight · 28/12/2023 13:57

It really probably is struggling. If I had been found to be cheating on my wife, using family money and using what are probably vulnerable women for sexual purposes then I would be struggling with my mental health or he may not care.

It doesn’t matter if he has mental health issues. Lots of people have mental
health issues but don’t behave this way. You don’t have to put up with this.

MatildaTheCat · 28/12/2023 14:00

Sorry but it’s a dealbreaker for me. Lonely? Well now he’s single so he can do as he pleases. Unfortunately if he’s good with your son that’s a shame but he’s certainly not good with you and that’s a pretty key point in any relationship.

No, MH isn’t an excuse for any old awful behaviour.

SamW98 · 28/12/2023 14:09

Please don’t think I’m belittling genuine MH issues as I’m not at all but it does seem the go to card to play for men caught playing away and indulging in other behaviour not really acceptable in a relationship.

Wolfiefan · 28/12/2023 14:18

Just how gullible does he think you are? I have suffered with my MH. It most certainly doesn’t make me act like this. He’s just trying to get away with his behaviour.

Djalx · 28/12/2023 14:28

I don't think you are at all, I've struggled in the past too and never done this sort of behaviour.

When a few of my friends have caught their partners out they've also used the MH card too and it's disgusting when people are genuinely suffering and literally have nobody

OP posts:
MILTOBE · 28/12/2023 14:34

He'll blame you soon, OP, then he'll apologise and then he'll threaten suicide. Then if you dump him, he'll find someone else within three days and you won't hear another word from him.

I would be so angry that I couldn't forgive this. He's a repeat offender, too, so fat chance of him meaning any apology.

Djalx · 28/12/2023 14:40

Yep we are on to that right now :) and getting snotty responses when I'm not falling for it. Now he's turned it into guilt tripping using what he's done for my son against me as tho I should forgive all

OP posts:
mapleriver · 28/12/2023 15:05

Ew leave him, his mental health issues are separate to disrespecting you and chasing pleasure and disregarding your feelings and respect he should have for you. I'd recommend ogling male perfection infront of him until you can properly get rid of him if you live with him but I'm petty.
Being good to your son isn't worth the mental health issues YOU will get if you stay with a man who thinks he can disrespect you like this, your son needs a healthy confident mother without this shit going on

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