Ever ghosted a friend/been ghosted? Help me make sense of this!

[justdance321]

Namechanged.

It's not a huge deal, but I'm hoping any insights might make me feel better!

I have (or had 😣) a friend I used to work with several years ago. We became fairly close working in a very small company. It wasn't like she was my best friend or anything, but we stayed in touch after we both left the company - we would meet and go out for dinner, had her DH and kids around for lunch a few times and everyone got on well etc.

A few years ago friend and her family moved out of the city we still live in - and on a couple of occasions that she came back to visit, we would meet up. I haven't actually seen her in person for the past couple of years (lockdowns and living in different parts of the country) but would message each other - not enormously frequently, but always lovely and chatty when we did check in with each other. We share a birthday and would always message each other on the day.

Last year she didn't reply on her birthday which seemed unusual but I didn't think much of it. A message I sent in the summer was also ignored. This year, on our birthday a few weeks ago, I tried again - and said 'you've been quiet - hope all ok?' - and again nothing. This does now seem she doesn't want to continue our friendship, so I will leave it.

It's not like we were super super close, but it just feels quite weird and sad - particularly because our lovely old boss died a few years ago (friend and I went to her funeral together in fact) and it's a connection to her that I no longer have. I am wracking my brains thinking what I could have done to upset or offend her. Her husband is active on social media and nothing catastrophic seems to have happened!

Anyone been in this position? I am not someone who tends to lose friends easily (my closest friends I've known for 40 years!) and I know everyone is different but she was never a flighty, 'drama' person either...

Hi OP, I have kind of been on both sides of the coin! I can only imagine perhaps she has some of her own issues going on? Perhaps her mental health isn’t great? But at the same time I do think sometimes people just grow apart and there isn’t always a discussion about it, it just happens.

I have known someone for about 15 years and she did the same thing to me, sometimes she would reply but always short and sweet, no effort made on her part so now I have given up. 1 year on not a word from her.

It is hard though x

Some people tend to avoid conflict at all cost and would rather say nothing at all than to say something potentially hurtful and have to deal with the consequences.
It may not even be something major. Maybe she just can't be bothered to reply because she doesn't think the friendship has any real value left.
Whatever it is, I wouldn't waste too much of your energy on it.
She can't even take the time and energy to tell you what's going on. Why should you be the one worrying about it?

I called someone out on this. She started saying how busy she was, then couldn't afford to swap presents on birthday and Christmas, fair enough just do cards, then it was always busy, and one word answers. The last time she said she was busy I messaged her saying that what she really means is that I'd realised she doesn't want to be my friend any more. I told her that if I'd upset her it was accidental, thanked her for the past friendship but that I wouldn't be in touch again but wished her well. Then blocked her on everything. Not seen her since before lockdown and I haven't missed her. I'm glad I did it.

@Chocpot1986 - yes absolutely re mental health - I know how we all can retreat into ourselves if we feel down, and replying to stuff can feel overwhelming if we are low. I've been in that position myself...but I would always eventually reply!

@Hbosh and @TheAverageJoanne - of course friendships naturally fade over time, and if she had been short with me or making excuses I would have got the message - but this felt quite sudden?

Equally - without wanting to come across like I am boasting about my popularity 😅- I also have some friends that sometimes seem little keener than me to get together/or would like to be in more frequent contact...but even in this situation, I am always polite and kind. I'd certainly reply to a 'happy birthday' message!

Your last paragraph - I'm exactly like you. It would have to be something horrible for me to end a friendship.

I've had this before OP. I had to cancel a dinner we had planned because my dad died earlier in the day (never cancelled before) and just radio silence since. Not a peep. I was really sad about it as we were pretty close, not a best friend but spoke most days and met up when we could, lots in common etc. Realised though they'd made it clear by being too much of a wimp to say how they felt that they didn't want to be friends anymore and I wasn't wasting any time trying to change their mind. I did message and try and call a few times, but with no reply (especially at what they knew was a horrible time for me) I just deleted them from everything and moved on. Miss them still at times and wish they weren't such a coward that they could have actually said how they felt; but she didn't.

I've had friends I've grown apart from or for various reasons didn't want to be friends with anymore, but I've always said and never just left hanging. Ghosting is cruel and cowardly in my mind as invariably the person you do it to will question what happened.

@Torchdino - gosh that's awful, do you think they didn't know what to say in the aftermath of your father's death and it snowballed from there? I just can't understand that.

@TheAverageJoanne - yes, it's so strange. What makes it doubly odd is that our dynamic was so calm and un-demanding in the first place. Even if she privately thought she wouldn't ever really like to meet again, say - that would be very achievable, given we live so far from each other. Why not just reply to a message to be polite?

One thing I do wonder about - we still work in the same industry, so we have a couple of people we know in common professionally. None of them I know well enough to ask about this - but I'm wondering if this weirdness could have evolved out of that somehow? But I can't think of what...

What medium did you communicate through? Could she have a new phone/number and isn't getting your messages?

I don’t think it’s weirdness or even deliberate, like a pp my first thought was mental health where you mean to reply but never get around to it and then it feels like it’s too late.

but reading again, these significant things happened over the last several years:

1)she moved away
2) she didn’t get to come back to visit for reasons beyond her control etc
3) kids meantime grow up and make new friends/hobbies/demands on time
4) her and DH have new circles of friends/interests to juggle

it’s possible she was busy, didn’t reply to your text, then the longer it became things like your connection just gradually fade, nothing deliberate or intentional. Just massive distance between you.

Then when you tried to reignite the birthday messaging around a year later it probably seemed like too much time had passed to start where you left off. I wouldn’t agonise it sad that it is to lose her, it’s her loss too.

since your birthdays last year you have messaged twice, when she didn't reply to the first message in the summer did you not think to follow it up to check she was ok,? what if something had happened to her, I wouldn't call what you have a friendship.

I think it's very difficult to sustain relationships at a distance. Those natural interactions from seeing each other in person keep things going in a way that is much harder when you have to consciously initiate them. I've ghosted lots of people, unintentionally but that's the end result. I have social anxiety that I hide as much as possible but I always get to a point where I can't keep interacting. It's much worse with people I don't see very often compared to colleagues and people I bump into daily.

I would send a last message saying - 'obviously you don't want to continue this friendship, I'm not sure why. If I've upset you it was unintentional but if you won't tell me then I'm not going to continue to try and guess. Won't bother you again'.
Call her out in her shitty behaviour, I hate people who ghost, it's cruel. At least have the courage to say what the issue is.
It's not you OP, it's her.

@Mum2Fergus - most recently through text messages.

I did actually try via whatsapp for the last couple of messages - her photo is still the same as it was a while ago, so I don't think she has changed her number. Those messages are on 'unread' but there's also no 'last seen at..' so I think that's her settings probably?

@TLDRfuckers - yes to all of those. I'm not really 'agonising' tbh, but it seems really quite surprising. Our friendship was really relaxed - and one might think it would easily fade out for those reasons. But we also had quite a strong connection, or so I thought, because of our old boss who died (sadly young) who meant a lot to both of us.

I’m afraid I’m on the other side of the coin. I used to work with a nice lady, we used to have the same day off, so used to go on a little walk together with the kids and dogs in our local park. Although I was grateful for the company, she used to exhaust me with her chat and her poor mental health/home life was concerning.

I’ve moved far away now, and as a result, I don’t see her. She wants to arrange phone calls but I don’t have any desire to do this, and she keeps texting me, but there’s no common ground anymore and nothing to talk about. I’ve not got anything against her, she’s not offended me, she’s just no longer in my life and it’s naturally fizzled out.

@bloodyeffinnora - I didn't think much of the first non reply because I presumed she just forgot. If anything really terrible had happened I would hear about it pretty quickly through her DH's social media/our mutual connections.

@ConflictofInterest - it is hard to maintain friendships at a distance but we had ticked along quite happily like that for a number of years!

@loobylou10 - not sure there's a whole load of point in sending her an angry message. She's not a particularly confrontational person - and I am not sure she would suddenly explain herself, so what good would that do?

@justdance321 I don't think it needs to be angry but I believe people should be called out when they behave badly, not just ignored. She won't reply but at least she then knows you know if you get what I mean.

@SiennaMillar - yes, but I imagine that's been a combination of a slow fade and you sending quite a clear signal to her - 'shall we chat on the phone?'/'no sorry, I am busy'.

If there had been anything like that, I would get it - but it's like we went from being quite conversational with each other over messages (when we did message) to complete radio silence.

@loobylou10 - you are right I suppose. It is always better to be open - in fact I did call out a friend a couple of years ago had been quite astoundingly unsupportive when one of my kids was seriously ill. She apologised but also explained her 'reasons', we moved on and our friendship is as lovely as ever!

Can you give her a ring? Xx