Have finally admitted both to myself and DH that I absolutely hate his mother, am now wondering how I really feel about DH

[oneplusone]

Because it seems to me slightly illogical that I should genuinely like/love DH if I totally, completely and utterly hate his mother for surely DH has been brought up largely by his mother and must take after her to a greater or lesser degree?

There is a whole long story behind all this which i couldn't go into now as it would run into pages and pages and take all night. But to try and give a bit of brief background, after having been married for 7 years, earlier this year i told DH that I absolutely hated his mother and that I thought she was a nasty peice of work. Until then I had been pretending to like her and trying to get along and basically bite my tongue and not respond to her constant criticsm, spiteful bitchy remarks and general nastiness (all camouflaged under a false veneer of friendliness and amiability).

DH to my surprise didn't react as i expected to my admission and actually spoke to his mum and made her apologise to me for some nasty remarks she made at christmas. However he knows I still hate and despise her and have no respect for her and am only willing to tolerate her company for the sake of DD.

The trouble is now that I am wondering how i truly feel about DH as unfortunately i can see his mother in him in so many ways. Luckily he has a wonderful dad for whom i have genuine respect and affection and so DH also has some good qualities from him. But I fear DH definately has learnt/inherited his mother's critical and harsh nature, her lack of empathy and compassion and I just don't know what to do.

I don't hate Dh but do i like him? I just don't know. He's a good dad and husband in lots of ways but his bad qualities seem so much worse as i can see now they are directly from his mum.

I'm very confused, Is anyone else in a similar position or is it just me as i suspect?

hi totalmisfit, isn't it funny how you and I both felt we needed courage to make this admission? I had been thinking about starting this thread for a while but was scared of actually admitting that i TOTALLY, UTTERLY AND COMPLETELY HATED my MIL. It wasn't just dislike, but sheer hatred.

Unfortunately i have to go on the school run soon so not much time at the mo, but my MIL did have a nasty piece of work for a mother herself, about which both she, DH and FIL are quite open about. But they seem completely oblivious to the fact that MIL quite clearly (to me anyway) takes after and has learnt some very nasty ways from her own mother.

Back soon. x

Hi, back again. In response to some of the many good points raised:

I do think MIL is deeply insecure and unhappy but insists she is not and DH can't see it as he is too close to the situation and it would shatter his illusion of his mum if he actually faced up to who and what she really is so he would rather stay 'blind' as far as she's concerned which is understandable but makes things very difficult for me as I am not in the least bit blind to her.

She has also taught DH to be very superficial, it's all about keeping up appearances and as long as everything looks good on the outside it doesn't matter what you're like on the inside. MIL is the original Hyacinth Bouquet as far as I'm concerned. This attitude impacts on me as I feel MIL has a grudge against me as I had eczema before I got married to DH but didn't specifically mention it to him as it was only ever very minor and easily controlled with creams etc. Since I had DD (5 years ago) I had the worst flare up of eczema I have ever had in my life and it is still not really under control despite improving/worsening at times. This has impacated a lot on our life and still is and I feel MIL hates me for this reason. DH is much more understanding and sympathetic but i can tell he is influenced by her take on this situation by the things he says sometimes.

On the one hand I can understand MIL's sympathy for her son as he has been affected by my problems, but I cannot understand and cannot accept that the way to handle the situation is to be nasty, vindictive and bitchy towards me. She has no sympathy or compassion for what I've been through over the past few years and although her priority will always and should be her son, I beleive there is still room for some compassion for me. Indeed if she had approached the whole situation in a different way and been more caring towards me I am sure my physical symptoms would have improved as they were partly caused by having to bottle up my feelings about her for so long.

Gosh, this is all getting a bit deeper than I intended or even thought it actually was, I'm almost working things out as I'm writing.

Have to go again now, to pick up DS.

Apologies for the ramble, please feel free to ignore! I feel better just for having got it out of my head and down on here.

oneplusone- I see so much of your post in my situation! I've been telling myself for years that I didn't know what hatred was until I met my ILs!

DH and I have been together for 14 years (married for nearly 12), and my ILs hate me simply because I married their Son (and took away their taxi service- DH used to drive them everywhere, they don't drive). Our engagement was met with a shocked silence, followed by a tantrum a few days later, and from then (1995) until 2000, we averaged a tantrum a year, over anything that annoyed them, I'm sure if I breathed the wrong way it would annoy them!

DH has never stood up to them and after each of their tantrums, they've never apologised. I've been expected to sweep it under the carpet and get over it. That was until November 2006, when DH told me, "husbands and wives don't stick up for each other, if it's going to upset family". That's when I quit. I stopped visiting (the last few visits to them involved me sitting by myself in their front room, while they sat with DH and DDs in another). Now because I don't visit, our 3 DDs don't either, and DH blames me (another trait his parents have- use someone as a scapegoat). It doesn't matter that I thought it was wrong that I sat in that front room by myself, being ignored, what his parents thought was all that mattered.

The thing I find ironic in all this, is that when I asked DH if he expected DDs to put up with nasty ILs when they got married, he doesn't expect them to, but he expects me to put up with it from his parents. He simply doesn't see his parents as having faults (that brainwashing that you talk about). There's always an excuse for their behaviour. He thinks that because they're nice to him, they're nice people and it's me that's the problem. He also thinks that every family has "disagreements". I accept they do, but full blown hissy fits because someone married into the family??! All this has put a hefty dent in any respect I had for DH. I really don't know what the future holds for us when it comes to our marriage, and I'm tired of it being such a battle.

It says something that your DH made his mother apologise to you, but you're wise to keep a guard up- you're right, leopards don't change their spots. I also think you're wise to avoid her as much as possible, for your own sanity as much as anything. I used to tolerate my ILs for DHs and DDs sake, but don't anymore.

Anna - do you think your DP has tried to change you at all?

This has also struck a real chord with me.

My mother in law is exactly how you describe; the most negative, bullying, hateful piece of work I have ever met. She believes she can win people (DH) over by buying him stuff, but that doesn't make up for the complete lack of emotional security she offers.

In recent years, her negative attitude, and lack of empathy are both things that I have started to notice in my partner, and I have also wondered if it is possible to love somebody when I hate (and yes I mean that) his mother so much.

Does it ever occur to the OP that perhaps the DH actually sees a lot of his MIL in her and also has the same doubts!!

The old adage that men usually end up marrying their mothers??

Sorry, but however hard it is to get on with the MIL, it kinda goes with the territory of marriage..

My MIL was very like yours, and my xh never never defended me against her. I remember she lent me a car seat once for my dd, and when I offered to give it back she replied" I don't want it back now you've had it". Fucking bitch. Sorry about swearing. Makes my blood boil. And he said she was only joking. NO. She wasn't.
Sorry for almost-hijack. My original point was, good on him for sticking up for you

I had huge problems with my inlaws..things chugged along for years till dd arrived and along with pnd and becoming a mum myself and things went from bad to worse between myself and my inlaws...

Things came to ahead on dd's 1st birthday and the result was dh & I not seeing and having contact with his parents for 3 months..TBH I thought it would have been an end to my problems BUT it wasn't, I didn't want dh falling out with his parents etc.

Things got patched over for dd's christening 3 months later BUT what really changed was me. I don't for one moment think I was in the wrong BUT I wanted to be the bigger and better person in this situation and I sought counselling. From the 4 sessions I had I realised that I didn't have the problem and my pil's were in fact the ones with the issues BUT it made me realise that we both had a common aim..Our love for dh.

Your comment "I don't hate Dh but do i like him?" struch a chord with me as I so remember thinking and feeling the same about dh.. He was a product of 2 people who (at the time) I so hated and obviously I felt I should feel the same about him. How could I make him change his feelings towards them..?

BUT over time I think dh also eventually saw in his parents what I had seen for 10 years and for once he stood up to them. We were a team. This was proof to me that dh has something different to what his parents have. DH has loyality and it prooved to me that he did love me and that I came before ANYONE. Imo, when you are married your loyalities to your parents change iykwim.

I only spoke to dh about this last week and said that at a bad time I so wanted to walk away from everything BUT I couldn't. I had my dd (and ds who was only 4 weeks into pregnancy) and dh who needed and wanted me. Im glad I sought counselling as it gave me strength and gave me the chance to see things a bit more clearer.

Take time to speak to your dh, discuss your concerns as you have told us here and do all you can to fight this. You fell in love with your dh and maried him for a reason, remember that reason and become the team you need to be.
Good luck xxx

ProfessorGrammaticus - oh yes, in lots of ways. We both influence one another a lot. It's that kind of relationship - we're very much into breaking negative patterns, long term thinking and self-improvement

hate only exists where love does.
the opposite of love is indifference, not hate

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I've namechanged because my partner uses mumsnet. I don't think he reads all my posts or anything, and he pretty much knows how I feel, but all the same.

This thread has had me nodding throughout - I could have written some of these posts. That said, I don't think I hate my MIL, perhaps because I don't know her well enough. I wonder if I totted up all the hours I have spent in her company, it's probably not that much.

The problem for me is that when I was just her son's girlfriend, she was fine, I thought she was okay, the dynamic changed when we decided to have children, and suddenly she started doing stereotypically MIL type things. And as you have all said, they lose their snidiness when explained and broken down and that's quite isolating. It's horrible to feel so offended and not be able to explain why.

So can I use this to get a bit of understanding? Perhaps some of you will see what I mean.
When DS was about 12 weeks old she asked if he was sleeping through the night (yes, that old chestnut!) I said no, he wakes up a couple of times. Her eyes widened, mouth opened, dramatic face and asked 'WHAT? Every night??' Yes, I said. Straightfaced. He's tiny and so his his tummy, of course he does. 'Oh god, oh well I won't say anything then'.

Tried to explain to my partner just why this made me boil with rage, but it was lost on him. She was sympathising, he said. I don't bloody think so.

It sounds so silly, doesn't it. But my god it made - makes - me feel so defensive.

I also wonder about the traits in my partner but not to the extent that some of you do - I wonder more about his relationship with her, and how it has changed since he met me, and what is good and bad about that.

I have to go now but I'd love to continue this later...

pruners, thanks for your post, it has helped clarify things for me. You're right in that my relationship with DH consists of so much more than my relationship with MIL. He does have a lot of great qualities and as a child and an adult he was and is far closer to his dad than his mother and I think this is why I do like him despite the negative influence of his mother. His dad is a kind, thoughtful, caring and compassionate man and I feel he has to a large extent counteracted DH's mother's nasty traits.

beckfan, I have to completely disagree with your second comment. Of course you inherit a MIL when you marry DH, but that does NOT automatically mean you, or I or any one of us should be treated spitefully, vindictively or nastily by her. My MIL could have chosen to raise the issues she had with me in a completely different manner, ie by sitting down and talking to me and I would have been more than willing to listen to her. It would also have given me a chance to explain things to her and it would not have built up into a tense, angry and bitter meltdown as it has now.

It actually makes me laugh as MIL thinks she is so refined and sophisticated just because she dresses well and has done up her house nicely, but inside she has shown herself to be rough and uncouth and I and DH both know I am nothing like her.

I feel for all of you with similar MIL's, it's a very difficult situation to be in. I for one am glad I confronted DH and that he stood up for me against her. Although we have been married for 7 years, I feel this is the first real test our relationship has been through. As far as i was concerned, our marriage would have been over if DH had not told his mum she was out of order in the things she had said to me and made her apologise (although her actual apology was a joke and totally insincere so hasn't improved matters at all).

This thread has helped me realise that there is a lot more to DH than simply a few nasty traits he has learnt from his mum. I think this whole episode has opened his eyes a tiny bit to what his mum is really like and that is definately a good thing.

The next time I will be seeing MIL will be at DH's 40th birthday lunch. There'll be quite a few people there so it will be easy for me to ignore her completely as I intend to do. But DH knows that if she says anything to me that is unacceptable I won't let it go even if it is his birthday. I am almost keen for her to say something nasty next time i see her so i can point it out to her in front of everyone present!

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