Does this seem fair to you?

[Thisisnotapipe]

Just need some advice and opinions on this please, I’ve been going back and forth on it for too long.

My husband earns about £50k (after tax, self employed) and I earn around £12k. We both pay a proportion of our income into a joint account and all our family outgoings are taken from that. We pay our own phone bills and any other personal costs separately from our own accounts.

I have consistently paid between 80-100% of my income in but it transpires that he pays in around 50-60% of his income. However, any time I’ve brought this up, he says that all his wages do go into our family/house but he needs to put money away separately for emergencies and also he needs to have a certain amount in his business account. I don’t know how much money he has separately. He has told me vastly different amounts over the last two years but has also claimed more recently that we are broke, we couldn’t go on holiday last year as we couldn’t afford it, apparently. I’ve been cutting our cloth accordingly, spending as little as I can. However, he is now planning a trip to Las Vegas with some friends in May.

He also has a substantial amount of crypto currency, which I think has lost a lot of value but currently stands at about £50k.

The other issue I have, is that he is not at all keen on me working full time, so I work four days a week and do probably 80% of the domestic work. I resent him having the equivalent of my salary as his personal spendings/savings and I really resent him stopping us having a holiday. He admitted in an argument that he didn’t even want to take us on holiday because we weren’t getting on brilliantly and there was a ‘bad vibe’ between us.

I feel like I’m essentially earning a pittance so I can be available for childcare and housework. We have two kids at home (8 & 11). I have a grown up son who lives with his girlfriend.

My question is, firstly, does this sound like Financial or maybe economic abuse? And secondly what would you do and say in my position?

Sorry this is long, trying not to drip feed.

A) it's not up to DH to decide how many hours you work
B) you're a family unit. Everything you both earn should be for the benefit of the family - no "his money" and "my money".

He doesn't value or respect you or possibly even love you.

Often I try see the positive sides and if things can be worked on but he classes you as lower then him. Gather your evidence and file fir divorce take yourself and your dcs in holiday !

I agree with above that there shouldn't be 'his and mine' finance wise so to speak, if you're married.

Could you look at increasing your income? 12k still seems low for 4 days a week. Not excusing his behaviour but it does seem low for 4 days? It's not up to him how many hours you work.

If he feels there is a bad vibe as you say, and he'd rather go on holiday when his friends than his family, then there seems to be bigger issues at play. Have you both sat down and spoke about that properly? Or considered counselling?

That's why I don't agree with the percentage thing. DH and I pay in enough to cover all bills joint expenses, joint savings, emergency fund etc which we both have saved to, it leaves us with the same amount of disposable income each month. We both work full time over 4 days but I earn more than he does. I couldn't see him struggle while I lived the life I wanted. He works as hard at I do and we're a family. He also doesn't expect me to do the majority of household stuff

Why does he need separate emergency funds? Shouldn't he pay them into the pot so you can then have a family emergency fund?

And yes, it's financial abuse. Why are you earning so little if you're on 4 days? Can you change careers? Scale up and make him take over/pay to outsource his half of the domestic load.

Thank you for your replies. I work 22 hrs over four days and I took this job so I could be available before and after school, and the mental load is low so I feel less overwhelmed than I did in my previous career (Uni lecturer).

It is a low wage, I work for a charity.

i will admit that I have been extremely passive in all this, but I really did think he had my best interests at heart until about a year ago.

I am going to seek legal advice, we’ll probably get divorced in the next 12 months. I’ve asked for him to see a marriage counsellor with me for other problems in our marriage (that could all be boiled down to his lack of respect for me) but he has refused.

I’m posting here because I feel like I don’t know my own mind. Maybe after years of gaslighting. I’m also aware I have issues that need working on. My oldest child’s dad was outright violent and nasty and my OH is so much nicer generally than that, I think I overlooked a lot of red flags because he wasn’t kicking my head in or disappearing for months.

Thank you again. I just need reassurance that it’s not me taking the piss, expecting my DH to share everything.

Good for you, OP, taking things into your own hands and seeking legal advice.

When you've suffered serious abuse for years, it's hard to recognise that the next relationship isn't right, even though it's so much better than the one before.
It seems like your bar has still been set way too low.

In a committed relationship, all money is family money, all expenses are family expenses and all household tasks are shared responsibility.
Whatever he's been able to set aside, should have been available to you as well.