How do I know I've chosen the right partner?

[Snowflake144]

So I've been with my partner for over 5 years (both in our 20s) and he's always been good and kind to me and he ticks so many of my boxes. We're at the point in our relationship where the next steps for us will be getting engaged, married and having kids etc. I've always wanted this with him but now as it's getting closer and more inevitable, I'm starting to become scared that I've settled down too young and I'm worried that I'll regret that I didn't spend more of my 20s being single and having fun. Along with this, I recently had a work social at a new job where one of my colleagues (also in a relationship) drunkenly told me that he liked me and wanted to kiss me which I refused. However there's part of me that enjoyed the attention and craves it again which has only heightened my fear that I'll regret settling down so young. How do you know that you've picked the right partner? How do I know that I won't regret not having more time being single and having fun?

I regret not having more fun in my 20’s, I met DH in my late teens and he was only my second boyfriend.
If I had my time again I’d progress in my career and travel to Australia in my 20’s, and not get pregnant until my 30’s.
But do remember that the grass isn’t always greener, I think it’s normal to have the wobbles before a big commitment like marriage. I know I did.

this is how you know that this relationship has probably run its course

does not mean you chose wrong to begin with, but people grow, change and early 20s are generally not the time to find your one true love for the rest of your life

he can be absolutely nice, decent person, and you can be absolutely wonderful woman - that does not mean you have to stay together if you feel like that's not it

and from own experience - getting married just because of a tenure leads to regret and divorce. save your pennies and go for a holiday or something instead :)

You know when you don't have those thoughts. You know when on nights out, you're not looking around and when you're approached by other men, you feel lucky to have met your bf because none of the others hold up.

Can you imagine life without him?

A hit of attention can be nice at any age and stage, so enjoying being fancied isn't a sign in itself.
Life isn't scripted and timing isn't always perfect, sometimes your soul mate comes along before you've got bored of playing around. Sometimes that means you have to leave them and get it out of your system, someone's it means you have to accept your wild years are short.
There was a thread on here not long ago of someone who left a great person for that reason and regretted it for years. The consensus was that right person and right time both affect decisions and sad though it was all you can do is learn what you can from each relationship and keep going.

How to recognise if you're with the right person is tricky, people don't always get it right (either way). But if you can't imagine life without him, I think that's a good question to ask yourself.

If you are not sure then better to go separate ways. You don't want to look back in 10-20 years time and wish you had had more fun and experiences in your 20s. I met my DH in my late 30s and I knew I wanted to be with him from feeling this peace, turning down all other men trying, I felt I had arrived home with him, I didn't have to wonder and worry about if we are doing the right thing as it just felt so natural, I had done everything I wanted to do before having kids.

I think something to consider is that you’re often a wildly different person in your 20s than you are in your 30s, 40s plus. You go through periods of personal growth where your values, interests, desires, your tolerance and view of the world can change a lot. If you’re lucky enough to be with a partner who grows in the same direction as you, then that’s fab. If you grow in a different direction, then there’s a whole lot of heartache.

women are choosing to delay marriage ( or not even get married at all) because the benefits often are just not there anymore for them (whereas marriage hugely benefits a man).

if you’re already having doubts, then I’d either delay it or eventually separate. After all you’d be spending the next 60 or so years with the same man who you are having doubts about right now

Why do you actually want to get married? I’m the wrong person to answer that as I’m seriously thinking of opting out of mine. But it’s so easy to get married, harder to divorce. So if you’re at the stage of wanting babies, I’d get your finances straight and give baby your surname, then you’ll never feel trapped. You’ll be together because you want to be.

I think the notion of 'the right partner' needs to be examined.

Our society has told us that the right partner is the one you stay with for the rest of your life and always makes you happy. This is utter bullshit. Literally nobody fits that description.

The right partner is the one we want to be with right now, for whatever reason.
Maybe he was a good boyfriend for your early twenties. That doesn't make him the right partner for you to settle down and have children with.
Maybe he was the right partner for the past five years. He's been good to you while you developed into adulthood. However, there's no blame if the way you've developed just isn't compatible with him anymore.
People can be right and relationships can be meaningful, even if they don't last.

My first boyfriend was a great first boyfriend. He was safe, loving, put me on a pedestal and removed a lot of my insecurities. He was not the right boyfriend for my twenties however. Didn't stimulate me to grow as a person, wasn't ambitious at all.
My second boyfriend was a horrible boyfriend, but a great boyfriend for me, because he taught me to stand up for myself and not settle for less than what I deserve.
My third and current partner is the perfect man for me to have a family with. He's a wonderful father, reliable partner and overall exactly the person I want to be with right now, even though we've struggled a fair bit. Will he be the perfect partner for the rest of my life? I hope so, but I don't know. That doesn't mean I'll ever regret having a family with him.

Will being single in your 20s be more fun though? I have two kids in their 20's and dating seems a hellish nightmare nowadays and it wasnt much better 30 years ago. Most of their friends are either in longish term relationships over a year met at uni or forever stuck on dating apps. As previous poster said grass is not always greener.

You don't have to have a man to be happy!

Your post suggests there are 2 options - being with a man and searching for a man. I'd suggest than in your 20s you're bettwe off doing neither of those. Embrace being single, learn how to be happy singl. Enjoy your freedom. Get to know yourself and what you're willing to compromise on / your dealbreakers when you do meet someone. Build friendships, education, career, skills, confidence. Realise you don't need to be in a couple to be happy. Realise that single is a 1000 times better than being with the wrong person.

If you aren't sure, then I don't think he's the one. And that's quite normal - not many people are still with the person they were dating in their 20s (at least not happily).

@Hbosh i’m just applauding your comment. That is exactly how I feel right now and by far the most authentic description of life. We are so sold that there has to be ‘the one’. It’s bollocks. For some yeah sure it might happen but then that is the unrealistic standard to which we are all cajoled into aiming for, and expecting.

OP your comment ‘the next steps being engaged, married, children’ really resonated with me. Why? Is that what YOU want or is that what you think you want because society expects it.
Marriage is a societal construct to enable kids to have the best start in life, but it always comes at a cost, usually the wife/mother. Sorry but I’ve been married twice and if I didn’t have kids with the second I’d be calling a halt on that one too.

Marriage and kids don’t have to be inevitable. Do you actually want those things or have you just been swept along by societal expectations? As others here have said, the notion of there being a “one” or someone you want to be with forever is bollocks. You’re not the same person through your whole life, and the right person for you will change accordingly. Maybe you don’t want to be in a relationship at all at the moment and that’s OK too! But you can still have adventures while in a relationship. Go travelling either together or separately, open up the relationship, move somewhere new… live your life how YOU want, not how some narrow traditional blueprint says you must

Society has told you that you can have it all, but the reality is you can’t, not all at once anyway.

It’s give and take, you can’t go wild in your 20’s going through the blokes and have all the benefits that come from a long term/stable relationship, it’s one or the other.
You can’t be a sahm and have a full time career where you are financially independent, it’s one or the other. If you find that is not your reality then you are the exception, not the rule. Most of us have to live being the rule.

Good news is nothing is forever, that’s why you have different stages to your life. Spend your 20s/30s settling down, spend your 40’s/50s living it up, or the other way around. which ever way you choose, it’s not forever, if one thing is an absolute it’s that change is always coming at some point.

I have one of each and the experience of both is the same. My two and their friends have friends, excellent careers or career prospects, sporty and highly educated but they are still either either are in relationships or looking for one.

I wouldn't say that its best to stay with one partner just because dating scene can be "hellish". Yes it can be, but its better to be single than to go through motions and still regret the relationship 20 years down the line

I think that's a real shame. My late 20s DC are single and not looking. Their three closest friends in the place. Open to it but not looking, so no worrying about what the dating scene is like. Life is too good to spoil it spending time searching.

I wouldn't change one bit my hubby and we've grown together, married, 4kids and I love him even more than the beginning

The right partner is worth their weight in gold OP, whenever you find them in life. If your partner is genuinely right for you, hold on to him - he's worth sacrificing an experience of single life for. If he's right, you won't be seriously looking at other men (beyond a passing enjoyment that someone else appreciates you, which is human).

If he's not right for you now and/or his ideas for the future don't align with yours, you should move on, regardless of how old you are.

You can't have every experience in life as a pp said. There are pros and cons to settling at different ages, but you can't have them all. You have to choose, if you are lucky enough to be able to choose.

I met my husband at 17 and I'm late 30s now.
I was with him all through university when I was in a different city. All through early career days and my career involves lots of social stuff and evenings out and conferences.

Was I sometimes aware of other hot (or hotter!) men? Did I sometimes think it would be fun to do more than flirt a bit? Of course.
Did I worry I was settling down too young and think I should maybe be having more fun flings? Yep.
But I was never seriously tempted and never did anything.

So glad I didn't! He's not perfect and neither am I but we are still super happy with now our kids too.

I have friends who haven't found someone it's worked out with and are now really wanting kids and maybe won't have them.

Grass is greener... I can't say what you should do, but feeling some interest in others and wondering about your options isn't it my view a problem.