DS afraid of DH during argument...

[noideaoffuturenow]

So, 9 yo DS; ASD, likely ADHD (still under assessment) had a row yesterday. DH has bought instruments for Christmas and they now live in the room where DS games. Gaming is DS life. He uses it to self-regulate and he has a very ingrained routine with this. DH has been going into this room and picking up said instruments to play them randomly and tries to get DS to join in. This goes down like a lead balloon. Cue volatile DS becoming angry and shouting at DH to leave. DH shouts back, DS escalates...DH escalates. Then DS runs to me, DH following (working in office-but have heard whole thing). I stare at DH. Who backs down. Incident settles. In bed last night DS told me he was afraid DH was going to hit him; how he stands/moves during these incidents frightens DS. Who I feel is correct: I've pointed all of this out to DH before...it falls on deaf ears. Poor DS lay beside me, tears rolling down his face. I asked DS if he's ever afraid of me-I get cross too, he has challenging behaviour at times which I know we all find difficult. He says 'no' vehemently & snuggles in to me. DH is asleep, sees/hears none of this. I've barely slept, am sick to my stomach. WWYD.

This is so difficult. I have a DH who is also aggressive in his body language and tone of voice but completely denies this. I have talked to him many times but he refuses to accept it and I honestly can't see a solution. I often end up placating DH to avoid his anger but that's a terrible way to live as you end up walking on eggshells.

Is there a short term practical solution to move the instruments?

Longer term, unless DH accepts there's an issue and works on it, I don't think there's a solution sadly

DH needs to move the instruments, or move out.

What a crazy situation. It sounds like your husband doesn't agree with the view that lots of gaming is a positive part of your sons routine and he's trying to engineer a change which is back firing. You both need to find a workable solution with the instruments and agree together how you parent your son. As for your child being afraid then your husband needs to step back and see it from your sons view. But the whole scenario seems ridiculous and set up to fail. However if you genuinely believe your son is scared, your husband won't change then you have to protect your son.

ASD or not he knows how to play you. Unless you feel dh will hurt him in which case why are you even living with him? I'd be wary of excessive gaming too.

Ignore the last comment he's not playing you. Your dh interrupted your dd routine then is surprised this backfired and ds got overwhelmed. Your dh should not be shouting at your ds at all but especially when he's melting down. All his senses will be heightened so it will seem even more frightening to him than to anyone else.

Your dh needs to access some Therapy to work on managing his emotions.

The instruments need either moving or not playing when ds is in there. You need to consider if your ds is sensory avoidant the noise might be too much for him so that would need to be managed.

Two separate issues here.

One is your DH and how he fails to control his anger and scares your son.

The other is him putting his instruments in the same room where your DS is trying to concentrate on his gaming and deliberately winding him up. Move the instruments!

Ignorant comment.

Move the instruments out yourself if DH won’t. I have two children with autism. The thought of wanderIng into their personal space, while they’re engaged in their interest of choice and suddenly making random loud noises without warning is unthinkable.

He isn’t “playing you” he’s told you he’s frightened of his Dad. I’d wait for a time when ds is out of the way and then have a serious talk with DH. No decent man would want their child to be afraid of them surely? If he’s defensive and doesn’t care or becomes aggressive again then that will at least give you some idea of how to move forward.

Your DH is bullying
I have a similarly aged GS living with me. He also has ASC and also has routines to self regulate particularly straight after entering the house from shops or school. To disrupt these on purpose would be nasty and cruel. However I have accidentally done so in the past and know how my GS reacted. It was pure anger then sorrow and the routine had to be restarted.
OP your son isn't 'playing you'. I know my DD wouldn't allow anyone to do this to her son, your DH knows better after nine years

Where else is there neurodivergence in the family, OP?
I’m wondering whether DH needs help to understand why what he’s doing is catastrophically counterproductive.

Have you spoken about DS’s routines and mood management?

You may understand your DS routines and needs, and DH may not have picked up on it. You need to spell it out and show him how to handle things. I used to find “let’s sort this out later, when everyone has calmed down.”, was useful code for ‘stop shouting dear it really doesn’t help’!

Can yoir DH store his instruments elsewhere in the house?