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Original poster

Friend never wants to meet

12 replies

Annteeta · 28/12/2023 05:45

I have an old friend from university who I've known for 25 years. About 10 years ago she moved to the other side of the country. She's single and at holiday time she comes up north to stay with her family who live 35 miles away. Before she moved we used to holiday together and regularly meet in a city that we could easily both get to. We've always been and still are in regular contact with weekly messages and phone calls at least once a month. What I do find irritating is that I can't pin her down to arrange a time to meet even though she insisted on getting me a Christmas present that she presumably wants to exchange at some point. I know she's got friends in the area and talks about meeting them.... but not about meeting me. I like to have some kind of a plan as I have different engagements on other days. Is it too much to expect to have a bit of notice or should I just accept that she doesn't value me enough anymore to make time to meet?

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 28/12/2023 05:47

Accept she doesn’t value you as you have no other option really

Original poster
Annteeta · 28/12/2023 05:55

I don't understand why she messages and phones me weekly, but won't meet up?

OP posts:
Crankyaboutfood · 28/12/2023 06:00

I find visits home very hard to navigate and get burned out. Family pressure is often an issue. There are always a lot of moving pieces. Also, do your lives still
match? If you are married, have children etc she may feel uncomfortable. There could be a lot of things. I would not take it too personally especially around the holidays

harerunner · 28/12/2023 06:58

Quitelikeit · 28/12/2023 05:47

Accept she doesn’t value you as you have no other option really

I'd agree but for the fact she bothered to get a Christmas present, which suggests a very high level of investment in the friendship!

ChristmasCanFucawfee · 28/12/2023 07:10

harerunner · 28/12/2023 06:58

I'd agree but for the fact she bothered to get a Christmas present, which suggests a very high level of investment in the friendship!

Show quote history

I have a friend who every year says “oh I’ve got your birthday present I just need to wrap and post it!” Or “I’ll bring your Christmas present when the gang get together in February!”

Presents never appear. Presents never existed. Some people just say this sort of thing.

OldTinHat · 28/12/2023 07:40

I've got a present and card for my friend still sat in my kitchen that I promised to drop round. I will get it to her, but getting out of bed is too difficult atm. But I've not forgotten her. And she will get it.

Maybe the same with your friend, OP?

Wishimaywishimight · 28/12/2023 07:48

Annteeta · 28/12/2023 05:55

I don't understand why she messages and phones me weekly, but won't meet up?

It takes very little time to message or phone, much more to actually meet up. She can't / won't make the time to meet but doesn't want to lose touch completely.

Pinko1 · 28/12/2023 09:42

@Annteeta she just doesn't see you as a meet up friend. If you really like someone's company, you'd pull out the stops to meet them. I have a few friends where the different reasons I can't be bothered to do a face to face are :

They get really drunk and embarrassing
They only talk about themselves
They may meet me for food then head over to their FWB straight after
They may be mean to waiting staff
I feel bored by them
That they are always there and nothing changes

Whereas I have others who id spend ages sorting out childcare just to have a couple of hours chatting with them. This is because they make me feel happy being around them.

Pinko1 · 28/12/2023 10:06

@Annteeta I should add that you should spend your time the same way, make an effort with those who make you happy

Original poster
Annteeta · 28/12/2023 10:08

That might make sense if she didn't ring me regularly and message me weekly.

OP posts:
Pinko1 · 28/12/2023 10:22

@Annteeta I message my friend weekly but wouldn't meet her in person much

MorphandMindy · 28/12/2023 10:27

Crankyaboutfood · 28/12/2023 06:00

I find visits home very hard to navigate and get burned out. Family pressure is often an issue. There are always a lot of moving pieces. Also, do your lives still
match? If you are married, have children etc she may feel uncomfortable. There could be a lot of things. I would not take it too personally especially around the holidays

This is it. When you have to travel a long way to come home, family always expect you'll put them first and you have to navigate all the family friends and relatives who they have agreed will "pop in to say hi while you're here".

And they don't communicate their plans with you until you get there so you say "I'm actually going to take Thursday morning to go and meet my friend for coffee" and they say "oh no, your cousins are coming over in the morning and that's the day we are all going to go over to see Nan in the care home and bring her her presents" and then you go "ok, maybe I can meet my friend afterwards" and make arrangements, but by the time your cousins arrive, have a cup of tea, chat for a bit and set out, you are too late to do anything after the Nan visit but if you'd known they wouldn't set out til 12:30 you could actually have gone to see your mate and come back before they left, and now you have to apologise to her because you've wasted a whole day of someone's time. Next time you won't bother making plans.

Ok, I need to take a deep breath... 😂 might have been slightly triggered!!

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