Lost and confused after affair

[Letsdocoffee]

Hi all,
A long one I’m sorry!
DH had an affair for 12 months. Emotional and physical. I found out two years ago, to say I was blindsided, genuinely had no idea. Our relationship wasn’t perfect by any means, but I struggle to actually remember that now because the affair took over everything. We stayed together, we don’t have DC’s. I was just in total shock, didn’t know what to do, didn’t want to lose him, marriage, home, friends, 12 years of life together. I was v reliant on him financially, But it was just never the same, I was so sad and obsessed with it. 3 months after finding out, I had a hunch and followed him to the gym, where I found him next to her. He told me it was a coincidence and that he just wanted to finish his session and he hadn’t arranged to meet her.

Fast forward again to last Nov and I have another hunch, I knew they were back in touch. He denied it. I followed him again and sure enough I found them. He told me it was for closure and that he did it for us? They were holding hands! I cannot even put into words how it felt to see them. It haunts me. Not long after that, I left.

he is desperate to save us and has spent most of this year relentlessly trying to make me change my mind. I mean really pulling at the heartstrings and it’s heartbreaking for me because I never wanted this. For me, it will never be what it was, and it was amazing a lot of the time. Im not prepared to live, half a life. Or how it’s made me feel when I’m with him now. It’s the further choices he made that were the nail in the coffin for me, worse than the initial finding out in some ways.

i feel so stuck. My entire life has turned upside down, I’m living with my parents because he won’t share the house, he pays the mortgage and bills, he earns 6x what I earn and that’s always been our set up. But it’s shit, I miss my house so much, I miss our life and what we had and I feel so stuck. I can’t seem to actually push on and start to look at selling the house/divorce. I cannot even speak to him anymore because it’s so painful and I’m so emotional. Iv been seeing someone recently who I really like, we’ve known each other for years. He is 100mph though and as much as I can see that we could be really good together, I’m still struggling to let go of what I had and my husband. and I hate it. He did the worst thing to me repeatedly yet why am I still unable to fully pull the plug?? Xx

Does he still see the OW? Was she married? Or did she dump him for some reason?

Oh this is awful
Do you really need to speak to him ?
This is probably going to have to be sorted out by solicitors anyway so I would go no contact with him and let them sort it out
You need to remove him from your life
It's going to be hard but will get through this a build a new life for yourself
As for your new relationship , you don't have to end it but maybe cool it down a bit
Can you book yourself a holiday to go clear your head ?

OP it sounds like you need a step-by-step plan, and some emotional support in carrying it through. You know deep down you cannot go back to how things were before your husband betrayed your trust. And why would you want to ? Slow down with Mr 100mph, if he is worth your time he will respect that and wait until you are ready. Go and see a solicitor for advice on selling the marital home. Go no contact with your STBXH. You have to move on or you will get stuck in limbo. Not worth it, believe me.

It's perfectly natural to miss your old life and perfectly natural to miss what you had with your H.
You've basically had your whole life ripped out from under your feet without warning.
Then his horrendous behaviour by continuing to meet up with the ow and you actually catch them in the act.
You must be absolutely reeling.
You need time to grieve the loss of your relationship, the home that you made together and the loss of the H you thought you had.
Put the other chap on the back burner, he's muddying the water and the last thing you need is someone trying to move forward with you at 100 miles per hour when you're not ready.
Start the New Year with a plan, see a solicitor, start divorce proceedings, get the house sold, look at moving into your own place.
Basically take back control, it must feel like you're treading water living back with your parents.
Don't fall for any promises from your H, he's had his chance and met up with the ow twice that you know of, I wouldn't trust him, he wants you back because he knows what he's about to lose, you, the house, his lifestyle. Then when the dust has settled he'll start his shenanigans again but will be more careful not to get caught.
Take back control but be kind to yourself. ❤️

Could you afford some counselling? It might help you to unstick and deal with all the grief and shock around how he treated you.

He’s like an addiction to you and you have to kick the habit. That will take time.

You’ve wasted at least 3 years on this man, don’t waste anymore.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s only natural to miss him and miss the life you had but you’re also grieving the future you thought you’d have with him.

I think it might be a good idea to speak to a professional about this. They will help support you emotionally and work through your feelings.

It’s great you’re dating but go at a pace that works for you!

Your husband is a bit like an addiction. You need to focus on the pain he repeatedly caused you. Not only did he have a long lasting affair but he pretty much carried on whilst knowing you were heart broken. He knew how easy it was to be caught, how easy it was for you to follow him and yet he continued. Sorry but he put his feelings for her first and disregarded and disrespected you each time.

He wants you back because for him, it’s the only life he knows and there’s a good chance the ow isn’t fully interested in a real relationship with him.

Inknow it’s hard to start divorce proceedings but please speak to a solicitor. They will be able to guide you and let you know what you’re entitled to. There’s also a very good chance you can do everything through them and barely see this man.

You’re holding onto not divorcing as it keeps part of the marriage alive. Without divorcing him then you’re still tied to him so part of you thinks he will change and you can work through it. Someone needs to be firm with you and explain that he hasn’t changed in the last few years so he’s not going to change now.

Oh OP, this is really awful and I feel for you.

I think it's nice that you have started seeing someone new and doing something for yourself. He might not be mr right but sometimes mr right now can do you the world of good.

Your husband treated you appallingly and you deserve so much more. My advice would be to get the ball rolling with the divorce and the division of assets. You put so much into your marriage in terms of love and commitment, that's gone now and has been split apart. He put money and material things into that marriage (as main earner) so that now has to be split apart.

Use the money to build yourself a new life, get yourself a little house and move on. You will find someone who is worthy of you.

Good luck x

He's a bastard for letting you struggle financially when you are married and a legal partnership. He is a bastard for seeing her for so long. Why did they not get together?

You will never be happy with him after this. He has betrayed you again and again and you will always be on tenterhooks.

I think you should start the New Year by going to see a solicitor.

I am so sorry for you. I have been there and it's like a body blow. 💐

I've been where you are. The feelings you are going through are similar to grief - the life you thought you had will never be the same again. People will say move on and you do have to but I know how incredibly hard this is to do. It takes a long time to accept what has happened, to sort everything out and to really move on but things do get easier over time.

I bet the only reason they aren't together is her reluctance to leave whatever relationship and set up she has at home

honestly lawyer up and get rid. And dating someone else while you are so fragile, probably not the best idea. Especially as they are progressing at 100mph which is a pretty big red flag.

Thank you all so much for your replies and advice. Reading them all really helped cement things in my head. Even typing it out and reading my own words back.

I know what I need to do, I just need to find the courage to take that step and overcome this fear because I can’t stay stuck in limbo any longer xx

He is desperate to save us.

I don’t believe this, @Letsdocoffee. He abused you (cheating is abuse) for a year and continued for another year after d-day. He had second and third chances, which he blew. He sees getting you back as an ego challenge, but if you weaken and return he will resume stealing your agency and pursuing gratification elsewhere.

Consider accessing IC for support as you gather strength and move forward with a solicitor. Restrict interactions with your Ex to email and legal communication.

Life is too short to stay mired in quicksand. Peace of mind and new adventures are awaiting.

Came across your post OP. How are things?