I think we’re toxic parents, we’re all autistic too, should we divorce?

[Gem2006]

I’ve been married for 17 years, together much longer. 90% of the time our relationship is fairly good. But 10% I feel emotionally drained and manipulated by my DH.
We have a teenager,17, and I always wanted him to have a lovely upbringing like I had. But my DH always had emotional demons from his upbringing. When we met I thought I could help him overcome his depression but now I realise that won’t happen.
I need to explain here that I do love him. But he is damaged. And the damage shows with him being ‘personally hurt’ if either me or our son try to confront him about anything. So if he upsets our son and our son tries to rationally explain why it is upsetting then it becomes all about my DH.
I’ve thought about divorce sooooo many times during our marriage but I’ve convinced myself it’s better to work through it for our son’s sake. Our problems aren’t huge in the scheme of things.

Or so I thought…

I’ve just read the thread about toxic parents and I recognise myself and my DH as toxic. I’m horrified. I thoughti was being a good parent by trying my best to give him a happy family life. But I’ve tried to paper over the cracks to keep us together but in doing so I’ve minimised what my son has been telling me, that he doesn’t like how my DH speaks to me and that they don’t get on all that well. My son has said to me a few times that he doesn’t understand why I am still with his father.
on top of this my son was diagnosed with autism and I now see that my DH is autistic (and I’m possibly on the spectrum). So I feel like everything I’ve done has been wrong because I didn’t understand myself. I’ve messed up so bad by trying to do the right thing then I’ve minimised my son’s hurt because I hate conflict and I wanted so bad for him to have a great relationship with his dad.

If divorce is damaging to the child how do I weigh up my options and minimise any more damage to my son? Do I divorce or stay? Like I say the bad times aren’t horrendous and are only once in a while but from what I’m reading that’s still too much??
I don’t know what to do but I love my son very much and want more than anything in the world to make him happy I just don’t know which option is best.

Maybe some therapy would be helpful for you to untangle everything? I think it’s important that you make a decision based on whether you want to be with your DH or not, so that it doesn’t end up being a separation that your son feels responsible for.

Goodness don't diagnose 3 people with autism and prescribe a divorce on the basis of what you've read on here! It's ok to muddle along OP and have occasional bust ups,?you don't have to have perfect relationships and parenting.

Divorce is absolutely not damaging to a child. Talk to your son about how you feel and let him be open with you. Communication is very important. What is most likely to happen is tha mr your son will carry this with him into adulthood and affect his decisions, emotional state, mental health, etc. So mending things with him, leaving the marriage, helping him get therapy if needed, and being a safe place for him to confide in you are the most important things. We all make mistakes. Autism has been so poorly understood until recently and still is for females. My DD is ASD and I think I am too. If I had known much younger for us both our lives would be drastically different. It's not our fault. Thinking you can help a man is another classic mistake so many of us make. I did it once, thankfully that relationship didn't last. Everything you're saying is very common so don't beat yourself up. Just do what you know you need to do now. It will make a world of difference for your son. Demonstrate what healthy is. Apologize to him. Ask him how he feels. Tell him how much you value him and that he can always talk to you honestly and it will work out very well for both of you.

Divorce is damaging to a child - look up adverse childhood experiences.

I think I know what you mean. My dad was like this. Say for example he shouted and my sister said I'm upset you shouted, he would say you don't understand, youve hurt me, this reminds me of x tragic event. We'd then have to comfort him. I become ridiculously stoic. Though in many ways he was a brilliant well meaning person this happened often enough. Once he threatened to throw us out age 10 and 12 because we 'let' mum make a decision for us he disapproved of. I called his bluff, I didn't care.

Anyway my point.... by this age of 17 any damage done is done. There's really no point divorcing now. Plus my parents were divorced and this was still my experience, divorcing wouldn't have changed it. And don't blame yourself, you are not him and your intentions were good.

Finally I'm OK and so is my sister. Sure I've been an anxious people pleaser in my 20s. But I'm also now a strangely successful and empathetic person with a wonderful family. And maybe this will be the outcome for your son or better.

I agree therapy for your husband. Boundaries for you and your son.

Speaking as someone whose parents divorced when I was a child, I would say divorce is often damaging, but not as damaging as parents staying in a bad relationship, especially 'for the sake of the children'. I can see that I have some trauma from my parent's divorce, but I thank Maud every day that they did it, as I would have been exponentially more damaged if they had stayed together. As it is I don't think I was too badly affected, but it would be wrong to say there was no effect at all.

The 'child' is 17 so not likely to be 'damaged' by his parents getting divorced. OP if you're unhappy, divorce.

Bizarre...

To recap:

Your DH had "demons" when you met.
You thought you could "fix it"
His issues were unresolved...you married him.
His issues were still unresolved.... you had a child with him.
You raised your child together for decades and now your child is now basically an adult... You want a divorce to "protect" your DS?

Honestly.... the horse has bolted. He's 17....

Go get a Divorce if you have a bad marriage and don't want to be married/ don't love your husband.

But you DS won't be at home much longer he's almost an adult.

If you are toxic get therapy and do better.
Put your DS in therapy to get perspective on your DH if he needs it.
Get a divorce of you want one.
You can't "fix" your DH he has to "fix" himself.

As I said in my post I love him. His demons are depression and how he sometimes expresses himself emotionally. And the thing that has recently changed was my understanding of myself. Not all relationships are perfect so we’ve been muddling along as best we can. I’ve hit a low patch and really wondered if I was doing the right thing. Your advice is very curt and your ‘recap’ isn’t really demonstrating an understanding of what I posted, but each to their own.

Bizarre, really. You don't know many different people then, I'd say variations on this situation aren't uncommon.

There are some good points in here but the patronising recap wasn't needed was it?!

What do you love about him? The calm between each storm?
I’d start by sitting down and giving son a heartfelt apology for ignoring and minimising his voiced concerns for many years.
Tell him you don’t know what comes next, but from now you will genuinely listen to him.

I wouldn’t even describe them as ‘storms’, honestly, just disagreements. I love his values, I love our connection, I love his mind. I don’t always love how he misreads me or my son when we disagree about something.

How would divorce help your son? He would still not have a great relationship with his father. He’s almost an adult and it doesn’t sound like you want to leave the relationship on your own behalf. I think what you need to do is acknowledge and apologise for your role in this to your son - that you have realised that you’ve appeased your husband when you should have stood up for your son. I’d use some of the £££ divorce would cost you for therapy for your son, if he’s autistic he likely struggles with understanding other people’s perspective anyway and it might help him transition to an adult-adult relationship with each parent.

All families and people are messed up. If you want to get divorced do it. At this point it probably won’t make a difference either way to the kid.