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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband's abusive behaviour is becoming less shocking to me. Does anyone relate?

41 replies

Rochella · 28/12/2023 00:26

If you have been in - or are in - an abusive relationship, did you find that your partner's behaviour seems less shocking to you after the first time? And did you/ do you find yourself dismissing and excusing it more easily? Do you become numb to it?

For example, mine has shouted at me in public over minor things several times. The first time, I was late meeting him for a drink (due to public transport delays) and he lost it and shouted at me. I was shocked, but excused it (this was just before our wedding) - saying to myself 'well i was late, and maybe he was stressed'. But the next time he shouted as at me in public, I was shocked but maybe less so. And then so on.

I also feel like my 'recovery period' is shorter, though I'm still shaken for a while. He is often really nice after a bad patch and things seem ok again.

It's the same with other things he does (such as maligning my friends) - I was so shocked to start with.

Does anyone relate?

OP posts:
hattie43 · 30/12/2023 07:55

I'm not in an abusive relationship but a colleague is and she is totally blind to it . She comes from a chaotic background and was abused in a previous relationship so thinks it's perfectly normal . Always making excuses and justifying his abuse , it's always her fault for making him say / do the things he does .
Textbook abuse victim and totally blind to it .

Therollinghills · 30/12/2023 07:57

Rochella · 30/12/2023 01:44

Hi @yellowsmileyface , thanks - you say this:
They operate using the cycle of abuse, so things are never consistently bad enough that we feel justified in leaving. But the good times / when he's being nice is all part of the systematic abuse.

But it doesn't feel like he's planning it like this..... All is ok until we disagree on something. Then he starts getting mean and making threats, and he becomes very unreasonable.

My ex is exactly like this. He's lovely until I have a different opinion to him, or an issue with him or the relationship. Or I ask him to do something around the house, or express frustration with him. Then he's abusive and sometimes violent. I don't think men like this consciously plan the behaviour but it is a reaction to feeling criticised and lacking communication skills so they react explosively to stop you trying to address things or expressing yourself. And it works.

DarkDarkNight · 30/12/2023 08:06

It is really worrying you feel this way. Take a long hard look at his behaviour, think about how you would feel if a friend told you this about her partner. It is not ok, you do not have to stay.

That you are less shocked and taking less time to move on after these incidents shows that he is breaking you down. Please leave him. You can leave for any reason, you do t have to wait until he does something that you or other people deem ‘bad enough’ to leave. Please DO NOT have children with him. It is bad enough for you, please do not bring children in to this relationship, it’s not fair on them and it will be harder to have a clean break.

TitaniumTess · 30/12/2023 08:22

I've been there. I couldn't see what was happening to me. We've got a child together and his abuse after me finally getting him to leave has been worse than when we were together.

This is what I did that I was really glad I did:

Kept a log of his behaviour at work, so he couldn't find it but so I could see a pattern of behaviour somewhere where I could think straight.

Contacted a local domestic abuse charity.

Did The Freedom Programme.

Logged it with the police via a 101 when he was abusive but wouldn't move out.

It took me too long to see what was going on.

Google:-
DARVO
Trauma bonding
Emotional abuse

Follow someone like Caroline Strawson on Instagram.

I hope that you're OK. It's really hard. Is there someone who you can confide in too?

perfectcolourfound · 30/12/2023 08:27

PLEASE whatever you do, don't have a child with him.

You will just continue the pattern, and your child/ren will either be like him, or marry someone like him. And they might say 'my mum was the worst example of putting up with shitty make behaviour' as said in pp, by way of explaining why they're in that mess.

You can avoid that. Please don't bring children into an abusive situation.

And please get away from him. You deserve better.

ItIsBoth · 30/12/2023 13:28

TitaniumTess · 30/12/2023 08:22

I've been there. I couldn't see what was happening to me. We've got a child together and his abuse after me finally getting him to leave has been worse than when we were together.

This is what I did that I was really glad I did:

Kept a log of his behaviour at work, so he couldn't find it but so I could see a pattern of behaviour somewhere where I could think straight.

Contacted a local domestic abuse charity.

Did The Freedom Programme.

Logged it with the police via a 101 when he was abusive but wouldn't move out.

It took me too long to see what was going on.

Google:-
DARVO
Trauma bonding
Emotional abuse

Follow someone like Caroline Strawson on Instagram.

I hope that you're OK. It's really hard. Is there someone who you can confide in too?

Did you get him moved out?
How are things for you now?

Bananalanacake · 30/12/2023 16:16

What do you mean by maligning your friends, does he stop you meeting them? how would he react if you told him you were going out for a meal with a group of female friends next week?

TitaniumTess · 30/12/2023 18:01

@ItIsBoth Hi! He did move out eventually. He's been barking mad to be honest.

It's like a TV drama. He took me to court, has made false allegations.....you name it..

It's been really hard.....but....it's better than living with him. I have bad dreams but at least I wake myself up rather than him. I tell myself that I've taught our son boundaries. He also has a calm house now.

Zanatdy · 30/12/2023 18:04

I’d like to think if I saw someone shout at their wife in public I’d either go over and say it to their faces, or follow her to the toilet and tell her to leave the bastard. This is scary that it’s less scary for you, as you are desensitised to it

Catsknowbest · 30/12/2023 18:07

This is EXACTLY how I became op, and despite being divorced 6 years now I still shudder when I think how low my standards got when it came to accepting the abuse. And totally related to what you said about the "recovery" period. I became a denial expert. Thank God I got out eventually but it has left me with scars and issues I still have trouble dealing with.

EdithStourton · 30/12/2023 18:16

Please, OP, get out, and do not have children with him.

This is the advice of the child of just such a relationship.

porridgeisbae · 30/12/2023 18:20

This is what happens. No point psychologizing about it at this stage- please just leave ASAP @Rochella xx

EmeraldDreams73 · 10/10/2024 14:49

minou123 · 28/12/2023 00:54

It's called the Boiling Frog Syndrome.

If a frog is put suddenly into boiling water, it will jump out.
But if the frog is put in cold water and brought to a boil slowly, it will get used to the heat gradually going up, but eventually it will be cooked to death.

You are becoming conditioned to his abuse.

I know this sounds obvious, but do you really want to live like this?

This. Yes, I do know how used you can get to behaviour, especially when it escalates slowly and there are plenty of good patches in between. V tempting to explain it away/doubt yourself/make excuses.

It's a coping mechanism. But it doesn't mean the abuse isn't doing damage. Far from it. The only way to deal with it is to get away, I'm afraid. They don't change and it does get worse.

KatharinaRosalie · 10/10/2024 14:56

All is ok until we disagree on something

Just curious, if you think of the last instances, has it been him expressing an opinion and you disagreeing? Or is it him who disagrees? Or gets offended. Or claims you have done something to ruin his mood, again?

Random30 · 10/10/2024 16:03

KatharinaRosalie · 10/10/2024 14:56

All is ok until we disagree on something

Just curious, if you think of the last instances, has it been him expressing an opinion and you disagreeing? Or is it him who disagrees? Or gets offended. Or claims you have done something to ruin his mood, again?

It’s ok to disagree on stuff, that shouldn’t lead to a row!

I was on this thread last December, and coincidentally just hours later I started messaging with someone who is not abusive.

Seeing and living the contrast between normal and abnormal is such a shock to the system.
I don’t know if you are still reading @Rochella but I hope you are no longer with that loser.

orangesonatree · 10/10/2024 16:26

I’ve been there. Please leave him. It will never get better. Do NOT have children with him. Please. For everyone’s sake.

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