NC for this but a regular poster.
Does anyone have any recommendations for good books / resources on how to recover and better spot the signs of an abuser, after abuse?
I left an abusive marriage and thought I was totally savvy to the signs of narcissism. Thought I had recovered well considering, I was never ‘in love’ with my exH. I was very much emotionally ‘done’ before I physically left.
Then a couple of months after leaving, I met a man who seemed lovely in every way. Never had a connection like it, and I consider myself to be very switched on, independent… I always had a gut feeling about my exH and was trapped for a multitude of practical reasons, was never ‘taken in’ by him.
The total opposite with this guy, who I was madly in love with. Turns out he was cheating on his wife, had been for the entire marriage, and beforehand, paying for and having unprotected sex throughout both her pregnancies, and the death of her parents. I recognise now I was vulnerable, but I did not feel that way at the time. No hate please, as I didn’t know.
Despite it being a while since it ended I still can’t seem to get my head around it. I know he must be a disordered person. But I’m just terrified there is something wrong with me, that I felt that way about someone who is so fucked up that they are able to lie and compartmentalise to that extent. There is no other plausible explanation for how he was able to do what he did.
None of the usual red flags. Like literally zero. I can’t say that I was ‘abused’ by him in any of the ‘usual’ ways. I am completely freaked out that someone can ‘split’ themselves off in this way to that extent - more so in how he has been able to treat his wife than me, as we weren’t seeing each other for that long, so maybe I was spared the extent of his true nature… Though they are still together which I find bizarre, and has made the whole thing even more confusing.
This has affected me more than my marriage. I feel like I can’t trust myself, I’ve always felt I had very good intuition, and I’ve been almost crippled with anxiety ever since. I need to fix this. I don’t have low esteem, and I am not co-dependent or have an anxious attachment style. I can’t understand how I was taken in by this man. If he is a narcissist he is the most sophisticated one I’ve ever come across in my life.
I know I have had a lucky escape. We have been almost totally NC since. He is blocked everywhere now. But I need to make sure I don’t mess up like this again. I feel so stupid even though it’s been a long time now.