Hello! I would appreciate advice and help on a matter as I am at a point where I feel that I either don't know what to do or feel that I know but am not sure if it's the right thing to do. Long text incoming ...
So, I have only one true friend due to reasons even I am not sure about - mainly it's only with her I created a bond through the years, a very close bond that I deemed my only deep connection with anyone
That connection is not exactly equal on give and take - I feel like Im giving more than Im receiving and started to realise that a couple of years ago, as I started experiencing more from life with time (Im 27F, by the way, she as well). It's almost always me who initiates hang outs or once-in-a-year vacations - all these things she says she wants to participate in since Im also her best friend and closest person, her soulmate, as we often say. She however never makes a concrete plan for the day of hangout which bothers me and it's on me to ask when and at what time. For the Day she tells alnost always the day before, hour is not really talked about that much - I try to know at the morning of but it's not precise(yes, doesn't sound good when I say it out loud). In the past there was a time when she cancelled and told very late
As for vacations, it has become very difficult. She would say she would want nothing more than to travel with me and when it's time we make the plan it's only me that does all the job on reservations, dates - everything. She just says if she likes it as well. It's sooo difficult to even agree on time and place, she never gives suggestions even when I ask. Normally I like to plan things and do them myself when it's only for myself but with time I felt the need that if Im going to travel with company, I would really appreciate it if they take some of the work off my shoulders and show effort. It always feels hurtful and it's always the same. There was one time when she was on the verge of cancelling last minute because she had a "break up" with a situationship and I was so hurt by this - in the day of travelling she wouldn't respond to my messages or calls, I was left preparing on my own, not knowing if the vacation would happen or not. Reservation was done and everything. She later came last minute, just as the train arrived and told me that she cried the whole day and didnt want to do anything. Back then we were younger and I tried everything to console her but what she didnt know is that because of her I cried whole day, too, feeling totally stood up and abandoned by my closest person.
Last year we had a plan to go to an event in another city for which I had bought the tickets, she would pay her part upon meeting. Day came and I text her if she is preparing, what is going on (we live in different towns - she in the much smaller one so she has to drive to mine) - she wasn't responding. Time passed - nothing . Again I was very hurt and felt devastated but I went anyway because I wanted to and didn't want to stay at home depressed. Her ticket I never nentioned, she didn't give ne the money after
It was one of my first times being somewhere, in another city, attending something by myself - normally no one in my culture does anything completely alone, especially girls and women. I am also a socially anxious person but I wouldn't let that stop me, I knew I deserved going. Later she responded to my messages saying she totally forgot and was busy with some problems abd how sorry ahe was. I was furious not only be ause she forgot but even more so because she didnt respond to my early or late messages, as if totally ignoring them, as if she actyally knew exactly about our plan but didn't wabt to directly say she didnt want to come abd waited for me to get the idea. I said to her that her behaviour left me hurt and disrespected and if she wanted to still see each other it was all on her. For quite a while I didnt text her and was being cold to her but eith time she initiated a few times and this was "forgotten". Although, honestly, I never forgot and inside became very resentful.
There were many cases where she wouldn't initiate, help with already existing plans and would make me so anxious if I would. Be stood up again by her. Sometimes , even if I wanted to see her or offer going sonewhere, I wouldn't, be causae I knew inside there is a risk I would be hurt again. I am ready to act on things we talk about, she just likes to say she wants something but when the day comes she honestly doesn't want it and doesnt want to put the effort, seeing that it's not the easiest to organize your time sometimes, or organise your life around a vacation - for her it'a difficukt but she would never admit, it's only in my observations.
I have gone on my first vacations abroad by myself this year and I was so proud, so happy, had such a good time - yes, it would also be better at some places to have company but I realised I didn't have the right company for that.
So, time passed andyesterday we had a plan for a simple hangout. We talked about it the week before, saying explicitly the date and how much we wanted to. Normally, I always like to confirm the day before (to which she so etimes answerrs that we would talk abiut it again tomorrow or "we shall see, I will tell you") but in the past, in the cases I had confronted her she had said that for her that's not needed - if we have agreed on something it doesn't need cobfirmation. I don't trust her with this even a bit but I know that I have fear of abandonment and possible codependency issues since childhood so often Im afraid to seek confirmation, thinking that Im being too needy or Im overstepping. The day before I didnt mention it, trusting the plan stays as she hasnt said abything else. The day of I woke up and texted her good morning, then asked at what time we will see each other abd since that's normally noon, I would start preparing myself ( we hang out the whole day usually because she is not from the same town). So I start dressing and doing things and I see she doesnt reply or see my texts, after an hour I sent her another text - another hour passes and not a word from her. Ian already ready, it's the day after Christmas and the weather is good, Im sitting waiting on my bed. I called her - she again didnt answer. This somehow told me everything I needed to know - I got up and went on a walk by myself feeling a aolutely devastated, on the verge of throwing up from the pain. I wanted to be direct and communicate, actually I have always tried to be - I told her how I felt, how it it is basic respect to inform someone if you made plans but couldn't come for whatever reason. I would ubderstand if something urgent or not came up, basically anything is better than just blowing off someone, and your "closest friend" with that. I texted a long message, I had so much on my mind, I tried to not be rude, to be direct and firm although I wanted to just say to her that she is the biggest bi*ch I knew and let off the steam. Later she replied with "You know Im sick and don't feel well". I was furious because that's not true - she mentioned few days ago she had runny nose and drinks hot tea for that but after that she didnt say anythibg, in fact we barely texted each other around Christmas. I then replied with another long message, saying how I knew nothing of the sort about what's happening and that the reason can be anything but the decent thing is to to just say it, to communicate. I said I would never do the same and always strive to inform. At the end I said that I would for real stop making any plans with her as Im bot getting any effort or communication from her side (yeah I know, deja vu)
Her reply to this was "I texted you recently that when I went outside in the sun my nose started being runny and I have mentioned I drank hot nedicine that made me feel unwell" just this, she again talked about how she did everything she tthought she could, as if I should have totally ubderstood ans made my own conclusions without her being in anyway direct to me. As if I should have known and felt for her, as if her problem was more than the one I pointed out. That she was sick was not a problem at all to me, of course if someone feels unwell we wouldn't see each other , and I told her that - but she felt she didn't need to say that for whatever reason our plan would fall short, she didnt value my time or my effoet, ran away from communicating again. The most basic thing - to keep in touch with somebody when you know well you said you would see each other. She didnt take into account anything I said, I felt I wanted to distance myself and havent replied to that manipulative message today. I feel bad just entering the chat. I know she is a person that is afraid of saying "no" , that runs away from confrontation and easily ignores when she feels like it - it's not alwaya obvious, it's obvious when time has passed abd you think about many things that happened a certain way . Even if she wasn't available for hang out, what was the reason to not answer for hours to messages or calls? I couldn't even get an answer and feel that in this way I got another answer.
Now Im not sure what to say or do. I feel and know she is being toxic and while this friendship means so much to me (despite all this) it also hurts me very often and doesn't bring me the joy it used to. We have a long past, we text each other every single day, untill recently we were like soulmates - there were so many good things and now I don't know if they are there anymore, if it's worth going as before. If rhis friendship ends a big part of my young adult and now more adult life will end with it - since I have no other close friends, no one else I can share with or hang out often, the change would be really big . I would literally be by myself , until recently we were each other's support in life because we both share openly and have some problems in life that we help each other psychologycally with. I have appointment with a therapist from before, it would be ny third or forth one, I can't still find the right one for me. I have some issues from childhood trauma from my co trolling parent, I have issues putting boundaries and different anxietes. With all this, this friendship helped me immensely, without it Im by myself, completely. I plan some cha ges in ny life and know good things are probably on my way(sometimes I feel they arent vut that's another thing). I have always tried to work on myself despite my fears, now is a time I would make bigger steps and feel like Im ready for some of them but didn't expect this would happen. I honestly don't know if Im willing to keep her in ny life - I dont trust myself with putting firm boundaries nor I trust her with being the friend I really need. I will be also terribly sad to loose her, it's just as sudden as it isnt - I have felt that our relationship is not the same to.me since a lobg time ago. Its like with time, growing up - I feel like a different person while she is still the same and I no longer want to be around such behaviour. She also has psychological issues that she hasn't resolved and I was always there for her, helping her navigate through life as I feel she is more unsure from the two of us, she is more passive and other tbings...sometimes it's draining to try to help becahse I see she doesnt really take my advices and after the interaction I feel wronged by her, it's strange. It's just, she says she has changed for the better and I had helped her with some issues in her life but later she does the same things and while that is not my concern...I get angry that she doesn't make real effort but continues looking for me when feeling down. Yes, I depend on her for things but she also depends on me for other things ans this can be interpreted as toxic and I suppose it is sometimes.
Maybe Im either looking now for some kind of encouragement or even just if someone can say what would they do in a similar situation or if something like this has happened to you? Wheb you feel like you can't continue like this and at the same time realise what a big change that would be and would it really be for the better. Maybe if I had other friends it wouldn't be so difficult but I really have none now and while of course in the future I would have chances it's intimidating to me, would I really be able to have friends some day? It's personal and difficult to explain
Text is very long and not in the best English, Im also tired to think or write about this at this point, so whoever read it - thank you, truly