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Original poster

Do children need extended family?

10 replies

ExtendedFamilyNeededorNot · 27/12/2023 20:00

I don’t mean as a nice to have, I mean actually need to see them.

Basically fallen out with my parents and siblings end of November, I had the most amazing Christmas just me and DC until DC went to their dads (I’m a single parent) and even once I was alone I had the best time eating what I wanted, sleeping when I wanted, wearing what I wanted, not feeling guilty for eating chocolate or my pudding before my dinner etc.

DC haven’t asked for my family once, if I mention my siblings or my parents, they’ll chat about them but they haven’t asked spontaneously once.

ExH has parents and siblings who dote on DC the EO weekend he has them, and they’re all much more stable and so DC loves them. But it is literally EO weekend only, ExH has been offered more contact but for his own reasons can’t have them more. ExHs siblings also have DC who adore my DC and treat DC like an extra sibling (I only have 1 DC) when there which DC loves.

But I keep being told by my parents, my siblings and other extended family members that DC “need” to see them and when I’m old and alone and have no-one because DC has abandoned me because they had no-one growing up I’ll regret not letting DC see them.

I personally can’t see myself ever letting them back into my life, my mental health is better since I stopped speaking to them. And some of the things they said and did are completely unforgivable.

For context ExH and I live in Town A, my siblings live in Town B, and my parents, ExHs Parents and siblings live in Town C all about 40 minutes drive from each other. I’d usually travel for C on Christmas Eve with DC and then ExH would pick them up from my parents at lunchtime on Christmas Day to take them to his parents or siblings, so it was all still very doable with ExH picking up from home rather than my parents. And not seeing my family will have absolutely 0 effect on ExHs contact time with DC.

So do children need extended family? Will I live to regret not letting these toxic people (trust me they are) around my DC?

OP posts:
Bluebacardi123 · 27/12/2023 20:12

Socialising children is important but I think it matters more about the type of people children are exposed to rather than blood relations really mattering. If for example you had an abusive father and a kind reliable family friend, it would be better for the child to be around the kind person than the blood relation.

I don't know your circumstances but if you believe your family are indeed toxic and your mental health suffers because of them, why put your child through the same thing?

It takes a village but no one said the village has to be made up of blood relations

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 27/12/2023 20:14

Children need good people in their lives.

If they have 20 good people then great. If they have 10 good people then great.

10 good people is far better than 10 good people and 10 shit people.

My kids only have DH’s side as I had abusive drug addled parents, my siblings went a similar way, my aunts annd uncles don’t care and my grandparents are dead. They are far better off with only DHs side

category12 · 27/12/2023 20:17

If your family is dysfunctional and toxic, then no, it's not better for your dc to be exposed to them and grow up with that in their lives.

when I’m old and alone and have no-one because DC has abandoned me because they had no-one growing up I’ll regret not letting DC see them.
What a lot of convoluted cobblers.

Original poster
ExtendedFamilyNeededorNot · 27/12/2023 20:18

Bluebacardi123 · 27/12/2023 20:12

Socialising children is important but I think it matters more about the type of people children are exposed to rather than blood relations really mattering. If for example you had an abusive father and a kind reliable family friend, it would be better for the child to be around the kind person than the blood relation.

I don't know your circumstances but if you believe your family are indeed toxic and your mental health suffers because of them, why put your child through the same thing?

It takes a village but no one said the village has to be made up of blood relations

@Bluebacardi123 Thank you, my family just want everything their own way, no-one can have a different opinion to them, they tell me what I'm thinking and if I try and defend myself tell me I'm wrong and they know me well enough to know exactly what I think/what my opinion is. They critisice everything from the clothes I wear and the way I cut my hair to my parenting; the food I feed DC is wrong, the school they go to is not reflective of their values. They tell me ExH doesn't matter and openly slag him off to DC because "he only sees you 4 days a month so he can wait/his opinion doesn't matter". DC has some food intolerances and developed a phobia of food as a toddler due to these. I was told how to get DC through the phobia and while they're not 100% over it they're loads better and will now eat a much bigger range of foods but apparently I should of just ignored it and force fed DC etc.

I have plenty of friends both single parents and couples, the school DC attends are also very supportive of me and help where they can, DC also does hobbies and i have made friends there. And of course they see ExH and his family to.

OP posts:
Original poster
ExtendedFamilyNeededorNot · 27/12/2023 21:07

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 27/12/2023 20:14

Children need good people in their lives.

If they have 20 good people then great. If they have 10 good people then great.

10 good people is far better than 10 good people and 10 shit people.

My kids only have DH’s side as I had abusive drug addled parents, my siblings went a similar way, my aunts annd uncles don’t care and my grandparents are dead. They are far better off with only DHs side

Edited

@YetMoreNewBeginnings Thankfully ExHs side are amazing, his dads a bit grumpy but harmless enough and has a soft spot for DC (he claims he doesn't), there's never any shouting or critisism there. They support DCs hobbies, and try to follow the plan for eating they do get it wrong sometimes but it comes from a place of trying not a place of undermining me, they always admit they got it wrong and try to work with me to correct it

OP posts:
SayNoToDoorToDoor · 27/12/2023 21:08

They need good role models in their lives. If you have a good family then that’s great, if not that can be through your friends, their teachers, neighbours, coaches from their hobby or even who you work with. Those people matter and have a huge positive effect.

Remember they have extended family on your ex’s side.

5128gap · 27/12/2023 21:12

Children benefit hugely from an extended family of decent people with a healthy dynamic. Your DC has this. Children do not benefit and can be harmed by an extended family that is chaotic, inconsistent, at daggers drawn or otherwise toxic, so your DC doesn't need to have that. Extended family relationships are like any other relationship, not having one is better than having a bad one.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 27/12/2023 21:25

ExtendedFamilyNeededorNot · 27/12/2023 21:07

@YetMoreNewBeginnings Thankfully ExHs side are amazing, his dads a bit grumpy but harmless enough and has a soft spot for DC (he claims he doesn't), there's never any shouting or critisism there. They support DCs hobbies, and try to follow the plan for eating they do get it wrong sometimes but it comes from a place of trying not a place of undermining me, they always admit they got it wrong and try to work with me to correct it

Show quote history

So they have the extended family your family say they need.

it’s just not them. Which is fine.

AmazingDayz · 27/12/2023 21:28

I’ve just been thinking about this and yes I think it does matter. I have no relationship with any of my family and my ex doesn’t see our children. I feel absolutely terrible that my children only have me but that’s not the case for you as they have their father and his family.

ChocHotolate · 27/12/2023 21:36

Both my parents were only children and I am an only child too. No aunts, uncles or cousins. I did feel I missed out quite a bit

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