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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

She's the opposite of me....

19 replies

fortyg · 27/12/2023 16:58

My ex husband abused me and then within 2 weeks of us separating, he had someone else. I suspect this was going on whilst we were together as towards the end, he would continually accuse me of being with other men when I wasn't doing anything but being at home looking after the dc.

His new relationship is now all over Facebook. I have looked at her. Please don't think I'm spending all day every day looking because I'm not and she has actually blocked me anyway - I've never spoken to her and she doesn't know me.

Anyway, there are videos of her dancing about, doing tik toks, drunk dancing, and just being loud. This is the opposite of me. I'm shy, reserved, keep myself to myself. They have had several nights out/weekends away together.

She's hair extensions, fake tan, massive eyelashes. I'm not comparing myself to her but that was never his type - according to the version of him I knew.

He's clearly out all the time now as he was too hungover to collect ds the other day and had no transport as he had left his car at the pub. On the 1 day he is supposed to have him. He's also introduced her to ds behind my back but that's another story.

He is a total narc - she's the new supply. But this isn't the him that I knew. I'm late thirties - she's the same age as me and he's a few years older.

He used to have the odd night out. With me, he preferred the quiet life. Just being at home. He hated getting drunk. Now it looks like it's all he does. It's like he's morphed into a new person just to suit her.

Saying that, he did like night life before he met me. He was out all the time. Our life was quite boring. But he would say he loved it.

I haven't seen him in 2 months since I called the police on him but now he's finally out of my life, I'm just left processing everything. It's so painful.

I've filed for divorce

OP posts:
Pretying · 27/12/2023 17:14

Sounds like he's mirroring her with the drinking habits.

He'll get bored and start to implant his own form of misery on her soon enough, if he's a narc the insults will come, whereby calling you boring, her insults will be being an old lush.

Que the next one...

Take care, it's not you it's him, is all I can say.

Opentooffers · 27/12/2023 17:16

He's being different with her because she is different to you. It's hard to know what he likes in life as he changed from how he was before you to how you live, then he's changed back. He may like a mix of both lifestyles or just adapts to what the other wants - then resents adapting.
Who knows, it's not important what he likes, and when you cease to care, then you will be over him.
People can tell when you stalk their SM , especially on FB as you come up as a friend suggestion more often, so they will block you. Best to stop looking for your own sanity. Be glad the abusive man is someone else's problem now. Until you stop looking, you won't start to heal.

Pinkbonbon · 27/12/2023 17:18

it's like he's morphed into a new person just to suit her

Because that's exactly what he has done. Narcissists don't have much of a sense of self. They morph to suit their target. I've seen them dye their hair, totally change their style, adopt completely new mannerisms. Whatever it takes. And before you know it the new victim is wondering ' was red ever MY lucky colour? Or was it his?'. They don't just want you, they want everything you are. Its like borg assimilation or something.

First they become you to attract you. And then, sometimes, they literally just become you. Or, their idea of who you are. Perhaps because they don't just want you, they want your life.

Also...their 'type' is often just anyone who brings them attention (and tolerates their shit). Nights out, high energy situation and confident outgoing people can be good to feed on. And think on it...that lifestyle probably is attractive to someone vampire like in nature.

She might be the opposite of you in many ways but still susceptible to his bullshit. Or, just giving him the attention and lifestyle he craves atm.

Also, it's arguably just human to want to share things up snd try new things after a relationship.

Step away from the computer! You know who he is...or rather, how parasitic and...empty he is. Maybe shell see it soon too. But the most important thing is that you're free of him and he doesn't get to feed on you anymore.

Original poster
fortyg · 27/12/2023 17:19

Pretying · 27/12/2023 17:14

Sounds like he's mirroring her with the drinking habits.

He'll get bored and start to implant his own form of misery on her soon enough, if he's a narc the insults will come, whereby calling you boring, her insults will be being an old lush.

Que the next one...

Take care, it's not you it's him, is all I can say.

He used to go out all the time before he met me. He would get in to trouble, the bad boy type. He would say I really calmed him down and changed him. I'm not a massive drinker, never have been. Like my home comforts too much.

I'm not sure how he would cope if she were ever to go out without him. I'd get accused of things just by taking my daughter to her football practice. I don't know her so I showing judge but just going off what I've heard, she won't take any of his shit. He has hit woman before (not me). Whenever he would get angry at me, I'd be absolutely petrified and spent 7 years trying to keep him happy to avoid his moods. She won't be like that at all.

It's fine, I'd never take him back in a million years but there's just so many unanswered questions.

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 27/12/2023 17:19

people like him mirror those they are trying to get on their side

the wonderful news is that if she is as loud and outgoing as you say, she may soon tired of him and you will be able to enjoy looking at his self esteem crumble

Original poster
fortyg · 27/12/2023 17:22

Opentooffers · 27/12/2023 17:16

He's being different with her because she is different to you. It's hard to know what he likes in life as he changed from how he was before you to how you live, then he's changed back. He may like a mix of both lifestyles or just adapts to what the other wants - then resents adapting.
Who knows, it's not important what he likes, and when you cease to care, then you will be over him.
People can tell when you stalk their SM , especially on FB as you come up as a friend suggestion more often, so they will block you. Best to stop looking for your own sanity. Be glad the abusive man is someone else's problem now. Until you stop looking, you won't start to heal.

I think I know why she's blocked me - we have a fair few mutual friends but I'm still very close to his daughter - my step daughter. We still see each other a lot and she tagged me in something. I don't think the new gf liked it.

He is blocked and has been for ages.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 27/12/2023 17:23

She won't be like that at all

Anyone can be abused.

Abuse creeps in slowly, bit by bit,until one day we don't recognise ourselves anymore.

He won't be all obvious and accusatory of her in the beginning. It'll start slow. Be presented in a way that gets her to question her own choices, morality, sanity ect...

Hopefully she will spot it sharpish and get out.

But don't think that being outgoing and confident seeming is enough to save anyone from abuse.

Original poster
fortyg · 27/12/2023 17:46

To me it just feels like one giant punishment.

He's stopped paying maintenance too, hasn't given me a penny for weeks.

He said he still wanted to be friends yet FaceTimed ds on the day he went public social media about his new relationship on Facebook. I didn't speak to him on the FaceTime because I don't need too - he fell out with me massively and has been awful ever since. Yet the day before he wanted to be there for me and he still cared. We still meant the world to him etc etc...

I don't care about his relationship, it probably sounds like I am. It was just he's accused me of so much. It was absolutely horrendous and I wasn't doing anything. Yet the minute it's over, he's in a new relationship. Married for 6 years. How someone can move on so quick is beyond me

OP posts:
Blanca87 · 27/12/2023 18:20

Cms pronto.

Original poster
fortyg · 27/12/2023 18:29

Blanca87 · 27/12/2023 18:20

Cms pronto.

I applied last week, Christmas is going to hold it up but it's done.

OP posts:
Blanca87 · 27/12/2023 18:41

Amazing.❤️

Pinkbonbon · 27/12/2023 21:59

Just remember, he's not your friend and he doesn't want to be your friend no matter what he says. He just wants to remain close enough to continue using you and hurting you. Keep your distance!

Maybe Google the 'Grey Rock' technique.

Original poster
fortyg · 27/12/2023 22:32

Pinkbonbon · 27/12/2023 21:59

Just remember, he's not your friend and he doesn't want to be your friend no matter what he says. He just wants to remain close enough to continue using you and hurting you. Keep your distance!

Maybe Google the 'Grey Rock' technique.

100%. I see that.

I use grey rock all the time. I rarely speak to him at all now. I have an email address set up to him.

The last thing I ever said to him in an emotional way was 'i see right through you now' he absolutely hated it.

But I've heard it's one of the best ways to get at a narc so I got great pleasure out of saying it lol

OP posts:
Indifferentchickenwings · 27/12/2023 23:11

I'm just left processing everything. It's so painful

this is it really
theres nothing anyone can say as it’s a hurtful thing to process and it’s going to take time xx

in the meantime I strongly advise for your sanity that you explore grey rock and eradicate his social media from your line of sight

PurpleBugz · 28/12/2023 00:34

Pinkbonbon · 27/12/2023 17:18

it's like he's morphed into a new person just to suit her

Because that's exactly what he has done. Narcissists don't have much of a sense of self. They morph to suit their target. I've seen them dye their hair, totally change their style, adopt completely new mannerisms. Whatever it takes. And before you know it the new victim is wondering ' was red ever MY lucky colour? Or was it his?'. They don't just want you, they want everything you are. Its like borg assimilation or something.

First they become you to attract you. And then, sometimes, they literally just become you. Or, their idea of who you are. Perhaps because they don't just want you, they want your life.

Also...their 'type' is often just anyone who brings them attention (and tolerates their shit). Nights out, high energy situation and confident outgoing people can be good to feed on. And think on it...that lifestyle probably is attractive to someone vampire like in nature.

She might be the opposite of you in many ways but still susceptible to his bullshit. Or, just giving him the attention and lifestyle he craves atm.

Also, it's arguably just human to want to share things up snd try new things after a relationship.

Step away from the computer! You know who he is...or rather, how parasitic and...empty he is. Maybe shell see it soon too. But the most important thing is that you're free of him and he doesn't get to feed on you anymore.

Nailed it. He's reeling her in was my first thought. What she has in common with you is she is susceptible to him. Only that's not in common with you is it because you learnt and won't be reeled in by another narc xx

cestlavielife · 28/12/2023 11:30

Put him in a box on a shelf (figuratively) and stop wasting thoughts on him and her

Start a new post or journal entry with all that you are going to do for you now you are free.

Make your next post "i" not "he"

PaintedEgg · 28/12/2023 11:52

@fortyg also, remember that to people like your ex others are not "persons", they're objects to provide the attention a narcissist craves and to fulfil some sort of role and purpose

your ex will always change partners depending on lifestyle need he has at any give moment - so people he will date will always be different because to him you all are / were / will be one-dimensional characters in his show

Original poster
fortyg · 28/12/2023 18:05

Thank you all. Feel slightly better today although I've had an email from cms to say they are at the stage where they will be contacting him so that's put me slightly on edge. And then I get annoyed at myself because I'm doing what I need to for my son. It's wrong that I feel so bad about fighting for what we deserve.

He is very charming, likes to talk, very confident. She also seems like that. But thinking about it, I have absolutely no idea what his 'type' is. He never really said. I'd guess this is because he doesn't have one isn't it?

I just worry about ds. He has selective mutism and sensory needs. I did everything for ds when we were together. He did very little parenting. I also parented his children from a previous relationship. I did it all. I don't think he will be able to cope and I don't think she would be the type to look after him either.

I'm only allowing 1 day every other weekend at the moment so I suppose I don't need to worry about it too much.

I just live in a constant state of anxiety from him

OP posts:
muchalover · 28/12/2023 18:40

In my experience men are chameleons. They behave, talk, dress in whatever way unlocks handmaiden services of any kind. Very little of them is truly them. I've known meat eaters extol veganism, pretenders for equality for women, left leaning politicos, those into music, art or literature. All a facade to get their end away. All move on to the next assimilation with the new woman.

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