@PringPring
I have been in your position with my best friend - it is unbelievably hard and my heart goes out to you. You feel so useless/helpless.
I met my friend about 12 years ago and I quite quickly realised that she was a victim of domestic abuse. I knew because I had been one.
One day, when having a chat I made her a promise that if she ever needed me then all she had to do was either turn up on my doorstep or pick up the phone.
Soon after, her husband moved them out of the area and we hardly spoke for over 8 years. When we did get a quick phone call I would always repeat that promise and tell her that when she was ready I would be there.
One morning I got the call. Her DD had been brave enough to ring the police and he had been arrested. This time she wanted out.
Because she stayed in the matrimonial home, with her daughter and grandson, her husband emptied the cupboards etc of all the food. He tried to have all the gas, electric, internet etc turned off. He even refused to hand over her benefits when they were paid into their joint account. Luckily, I was in a position to help financially because If your friend has her name on the mortgage, believe me when I say she will get no help from any charity, DWP etc because they see it as them making a profit from the taxpayer. My friend couldn't even get help to pay the bills from the household support fund.
At one point my friend said 'it would be easier to go back to him' and when dealing with the DWP, 'its like I'm being abused all over again '.
The reason I am telling you this is because you have to be the strong one, you have to be at the end of the phone at 3 in the morning when her demons will be haunting her. You will have to wear so many hats to help her for want of a better phase.
So start preparing.
Get little book in and make notes all of her important information
Driving licence number
Passport numbers
Insurance policy numbers
Mortgage info
The local authority contact for DV
How to apply for housing.
Solicitors contact details.
Gas and electricity suppliers references
Sky account
Number for the police DV team.
Food bank references/telephone numbers.
Citizens advice - they have a separate number to help claim UC.
Doctors number
A letter stating that you can speak on her behalf.
You can also attend the MARAC meeting as her advocate, so get permission to do this from her.
When you next speak to her tell her to memorise your number and create a safe word that she can either text or say that gives you a signal to ring the police and send them to help.
Verbally give her the information on how to call the police - I did this by showing my friend videos of this by saying 'have you seen this, that's a really good idea isn't it?'.
DO NOT PUSH HER - sorry for shouting, but you could put her in more danger. She has to be the one to make the decision. It the biggest step she will have to make and she will be broken when she makes it. This is were you have to become a safety net,mum, agony aunt, counselor etc.
You have to be patient but there is nothing stopping you from preparing things for her.
My friend will have been free for 3 years this march and in that time she has gone from being a complete mess (her words) to a warrior.
We have become sisters now and I adore her and I am so incredibly proud of her!!
She has found a new home for herself, her daughter and grandson. She has sorted out all her benefits. Got all the advice and support from the organisations that have given her (limited) help. She is amazing and so strong now.
We have become like sisters and call each other everyday. We are each others biggest cheerleaders and god help anyone who tries to take us on - she found a gif (is that the right word?) one day that says
"Even the devil shits (apologies for language) himself when our feet hit the floor in the morning" 🤣🤣🤣
She gave me a keyring for Christmas and it said "thank you for being a part of my journey".
I cried like a baby.
I won't lie to you and I apologise if I have already said this but the 8 years I had to wait where horrible and I know exactly how you are feeling. In the sort time we had known each other, we had become really close and it felt like I had lost a part of me.
Remember to look after yourself and reach out for help if you need to talk.
Finally, please forgive me if I have overwhelmed you - I can only tell you about our situation and how we got through it. Your journey will be very different but you can do this.
Sending you love and hugs 💐💐💐