Could he be Cheating?

[ChocolateCakeLuver]

I’ve always doubted my DH but I think it’s in my head etc.

More recently I do suspect it and I say it as a joke to him and he says stuff like it’s in your head. He works with quiet a younger girl & to me she seems very flirty.

recently they’ve had a Christmas do and DH went to it, which he normally hates going too. In general he doesn’t like going out much. His manager has arranged another get together next week and he’s up for going to this too, this other colleague is also going.

makes sure to shave, look more than presentable for work (which never used to happen before).

I don’t know wether he’s just changing for the better or he’s up to something. Am I just being stupid

Sounds like he doesn't pull his weight and you want to leave him anyways so it doesn't even matter really, although I wouldn't say he's necessarily cheating just based off what you've said.

Focus on him not her I think op. Her wearing make up is by the by.

do think she could be into him as he’s a nice looking guy, nice build 43 but doesn’t look a day over 25

I think you’re looking through rose tinted specs, no one at 43 looks 25. No one. And just as you think he’s attractive, honestly it doesn’t mean any one else does. Or even this young woman.

i work in a male dominated industry and it always shocks me just how many wives think their husbands are gorgeous, and the young women would be interested, when nothing could be further from the truth. It’s one thing to fancy your husband another to not be able to see him objectively.

and without being rude, he’s th4 sort of loser who goes out In his pyjamas. And sleeps in them. I reckon you’re safe. He might fancy her though,

You need to have a proper conversation with him. It’s very easy for people to say yes he’s cheating based on a tiny bit of information but no one commenting knows you your DH or your marriage.

Not at all! The amount of people that are shocked to hear his age is ridiculous! He looks very young for his age.

The only advice I have is to follow your gut instinct..... It is rarely wrong in my experience... when something feels off - it usually is, sadly.

Update:

So we had an argument before he went out last night and I explained my insecurities to him & the fact his recent changes I’ve picked up on! He proceeded to say there’s no change & im trying to keep him under the thumb & be controlling etc.

He is usually very strict with timing when he has a early shift at work like this morning he had to be at work for 8am. Normally on a early shift he makes sure he’s in bed by 10:30pm, says to the kids to settle down as he has a early shift etc, we can’t normally have ANY plans on the night before his early shift.

He went on his way at 7pm (as he was leaving he said I’ll be back in a hour or so) & returned home drunk at 1am. He spent most the night in the bathroom vomiting!

He had text me around 10:45pm to say he’ll be home in 30-60minutes so I thought I may aswell wait up for him (don’t want him ending up in a gutter somewhere). That time passed and then at 12:30am I called him, of course he didn’t answer and text me right back to say he’ll be home in 10-20mins!

What gets me is why he dodged my call but text me right back?! I confronted him when he got home about that and he just said it was too loud!

For someone that doesn’t go out much (due to his own mental state he doesn’t enjoy mixing with people) I just find this sudden urge of wanting to go out abit strange. Twice within 2weeks.

Then some texts had come in his group chat last night around 3am to say ‘i’ve had a good night and when’s the new years one’ (this is sent by the female I feel something may be going on with). I told him about it this morning and I said ‘do you want to go again?’ he said yes!!!

I could be overthinking!

Great if this was someone’s usual routine etc but it’s out of character for him which I’m struggling
with and I don’t think if he wants to make this a habit I can stand by and be okay with it!

Where do I go from here?

It sounds like he’s having the classic midlife crisis and is trying it on with this girl at work that he most likely fancies.

Forget midlife crisis.

sorry OPbut you have to step back and think about what you want . Do you want to be with a man who has seen something he likes and is chasing it like a dog would .

He is choosing to leave his wife and family at home he is choosing her company and attention over you. Say he hasn’t cheated yet, he wants too. You can say nothing and sit back and wait for the inevitable or you can sit him down today and give him an ultimatum tell him you know what’s going on and he’s going to loose you if he chooses her over you one more time .

These “works nights out” are the cover for them both.

Try to think what you what not what he’s doing as what he’s doing is clear .

Find your strength today and say no more .

Aside from all the is he isn't he cheating. He sounds like an immature wanker. It's not like he's trying to reassure you or include you, suggest you have dates as priority over these so-called work nights out. In your shoes I would be planning my exit. He sounds like he's checked out and you deserve better than that.

Sorry OP but it sounds like he's checked out of the marriage already

When I bought up about my insecurities & how in my eyes I don’t feel ‘we’ spend enough time together as a couple not as parents he turned around and told me ‘your being immature, you think we’re still in our honeymoon period’! Yes we’ve been married 10 years but still doesn’t mean we’re parents & shouldn’t have any one on one time! We don’t have any help around so no one to look after the kids if we went on a night out together!

He seems to always have excuses ready when I say let’s go out etc.

A few months ago I saw a porn site open in his internet searches open and he denied that he went on it & said it was a pop up!

I’m completely lost, lonely & don’t know what to do 😓

Forget what he is saying or doing.

You are in a position where you're considering tracking him. And yes, his actions have put you in this position. This relationship is already over.

The most important part of a relationship is finding the time or at least wanting to find time to spend one on one with you husband/wife.
He would rather go out with other people. Granted, it isn't honeymoon period, but why can't it still be a loving relationship where two people still have a 'date night'.

He sounds like an absolute wanker. You deserve to be cherished. Trust me it'll be a weight off your shoulders.

Bide your tIme with dignity.

Your gut is your second brain so slowly slowly catchee monkey.

Buildup a picture of his suspicious activities and then confront him. You need hard evidence so relax and build it.

Also, if things come to a head, have a plan for what you want the outcome to be? Separation? Divorce? Kick him out? All these actions have consequences so think!

@ChocolateCakeLuver, am I correct that he’s been out twice with this group lately and has plans for a third outing soon? And that he told you he’d be gone from 7-8, but instead came in at 1:00, and then he heard from this OW at 3:00 that she can’t wait until the next night out?

He has withdrawn his affection, intimacy and care from you. I agree that his new grooming and social behavior suggest an overinvestment elsewhere. It does sound like his head has turned toward this younger flirty colleague, and he now feels entitled to act like a single man.

You shared your observations and valid feelings of concern, but he dismissed you and shifted the blame by accusing you of being controlling (you aren’t), which is a contemptuous, manipulative tactic. He doesn’t care about your feelings or boundaries, and he is not going to admit his emotional/physical detachment. His current M.O. is gaslighting you to stay in your lane while chasing external gratification.

@ChocolateCakeLuver, I would inform him that he can deny all he wants, but you’ve got his number and aren’t prepared to be made a fool of … and that he has much to lose. As it’s clear that he has checked out of the marriage and is looking for new, illicit excitement, it would behoove you to consult a solicitor to learn your options in the event you decide that his devaluation and cake eating are dealbreakers.