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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being sensitive?

25 replies

Sparksfly92 · 27/12/2023 13:50

Hi, I'm just looking for advice. I am having trouble in my relationship and I don't feel like I can think straight. When I've tried to bring up how he has treated me, he turns things round to what I have done wrong or justifies the behaviour because of whatever I have done. He says I am negative and love to twist things to sound like a victim. I've wrote down some examples to try and gain clarity of the situation but wondering if I'm just being too sensitive and if he is right? Some examples of issues

  • driving my car aggressively after I told him not to get out the car and start shouting at another driver who pulled out on him. Told me not to speak to him that way/ tell him what to do
  • telling me that I'm crazy and don't live in reality when I bring up things that have upset me
  • frustrated at me for how I train the puppy and asking if I had something wrong with me because I couldn't walk her the way he told me to
  • saying if I didn't do stupid things all the time then he wouldn't have to correct me
  • we have split finances but comments on how I spend money ie. if you think you are buying a new car next year we need to have serious words, telling me I won't be going on holiday with family
  • Guilting me into having sex by giving me silent treatment when I say no even when ill
  • not wishing me happy birthday
  • shouting at me at a restaurant to sit up and eat properly
  • punched a wall when we were arguing but blamed on me for how I spoke to him
  • made remarks to family on Christmas day that I just sorted myself out and he does everything (completely not the case as I sorted everything for the dog)

I don't know if these all just sound like petty arguments but I feel he's not really treating me like his partner and like he is speaking to a child. Am I just being too sensitive and maybe need to work on my own behaviour?

OP posts:
Dragonfly97 · 27/12/2023 13:53

He sounds terrible; aggressive, controlling, a bully. You need to get rid of him. I've been there, years ago; there's no way I'd put up with this now!! Do yourself a massive favour for 2024, and dump his abusive arse.

Original poster
Sparksfly92 · 27/12/2023 14:02

@Dragonfly97 thanks, I think it all sounds like really small things and he blames me for everything I bring up that I start to believe it's really me who's the problem so helps to have some outside perspective

OP posts:
Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 27/12/2023 14:05

Make him an ex bf before 2024.. He is an abusive twat.. And take the puppy with you. Or it will suffer...

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 27/12/2023 14:15

"he blames me for everything I bring up"

Yes of course he does - because it works. Look where he's got you - constantly seeking his approval and not behaving in ways that are natural to you, for fear of his reaction.

His behaviour is abusive. This man is supposed to love you, but he is treating you like a naughty child, not a partner!

StmMary · 27/12/2023 14:17

Sounds like he's a narcissist, controlling person. Your not his child your his wife.
Some people let these kind of people talk to them like this and don't know anything different.
You've come to realise this isn't right behavior by him
He sounds like he likes to run you.
He enjoys been in charge.
As long as you let him, the years will come and you'll be too old and left with a very old man what you'd call a old Bastard.

MrsHughesPinny · 27/12/2023 14:18

You and your pup need to get far away from
him. He sounds vile and that kind of behaviour doesn’t change.

You deserve much, much better.

Original poster
Sparksfly92 · 27/12/2023 14:20

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation yes you're right as I feel like I watch my behaviour and change what I do to avoid any confrontation. I've now just got no confidence in myself and so much easier to just do things his way to avoid anymore criticism so it has definitely worked

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 27/12/2023 14:23

Guilting me into having sex by giving me silent treatment when I say no even when ill

I'm very sorry you are being treated so very badly. Your instinct is not wrong, for the sulking and guilting alone, LTB.

Maybe take your time to get your ducks in a row. But honestly, do your self a favour and get away from him.

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 27/12/2023 14:23

My exh convinced me I would never pass my test. So in stone were his words in my mind it took me 8 times. But I bloody did it.. See yourself blossom in all ways when you rid yourself of his toxicity op.

MamaMode · 27/12/2023 14:25

Sparksfly92 · 27/12/2023 14:02

@Dragonfly97 thanks, I think it all sounds like really small things and he blames me for everything I bring up that I start to believe it's really me who's the problem so helps to have some outside perspective

These are not small things you have shared. You have described a very controlling and narcissistic man. This won't end well for you if you remain in a relationship with someone like this. That fact that your already questioning your own behaviour and sanity shows that he is already breaking you down

DancingFerret · 27/12/2023 14:31

He's a controlling bully and most likely a narcissist. You need to dump him ASAP and keep the dog out of harm's way, leaving her/him with relatives if they're willing to help.

On a practical note, do you live together, are you married, rent or own your house? All these details matter, but your sanity and safety are paramount.

pizzaHeart · 27/12/2023 14:34

why do you even need to ask? It’s obvious how horrible he is.
I hope you can easily separate from him.
do you have children / joint property etc?

Original poster
Sparksfly92 · 27/12/2023 14:37

We don't have kids yet fortunately but jointly own a house. I think I'd need to move out while we sort things as I am sure he wouldn't go anywhere

OP posts:
Kwasi · 27/12/2023 14:43

If you have no kids and have the means to leave, please do so immediately.

cerisepanther73 · 27/12/2023 14:52

@Sparksfly92

Do yourself a massive favour , which you will not regret

Drop ditch him like you are competiting in the next Olympic games throwing a discuss or Javelin thrower,

Your so called Partner is controlling head fuck of an Arsehole
who does not deserve someone who is good enough, like yourself,

You are way way too good for him in fact,

He knows this only too well, hence the mind fuckery head games,
so he puts mistreats gaslights you, and everything else,
So your cofindence is in the emotional gutter so you are much less 🤔 likely to be in the emotional heads pace

Opentooffers · 27/12/2023 14:57

Your bar has become too low, probably due to the frequency of his criticism. The restaurant situation is totally obnoxious and out of order and is a clear example of control.
Unfortunately, his methods of control are working on you and you are beginning to show signs of being disempowered.
Guilt should not lead you to give in to sexual demands. If he can't drive your car responsibly, he should not be allowed to drive it at all ( take him off the insurance and report him for twoc if he uses it against your wishes).
These are not small things, they are individually enough reason to LTB, collectively its huge. Its difficult though when he's head likely years of chipping away at your self esteem. Hopefully at some point the fear you have over ending the relationship will become surmounted. Anyone who fears ending a relationship is at risk of putting up with awful behaviour. It's key not to fear being on your own, you do that by getting ducks in a row and planning for living independently of him.

Original poster
Sparksfly92 · 27/12/2023 15:12

Thanks for all the responses. I think he has completely worn me down as I really thought I am the problem and that none of the things listed above were really big deals. When I read everyones responses it feels more that he is being controlling and confusing me to no end so I stay

OP posts:
Weimlove · 27/12/2023 16:37

The things you describe are really similar to what I am going through at the moment and with the help of both MN and a therapist I'm slowing accepting that my boyfriend is being abusive. It feels so confusing when you are in it but from what you've wrote above, you're not the problem, he is.

Original poster
Sparksfly92 · 27/12/2023 19:16

@Weimlove sorry to hear you are going through this

OP posts:
thislittleworldofmine · 07/09/2024 05:53

Sorry I put my message on the wrong thread!

StrawberryWater · 07/09/2024 06:02

Old thread but I hope op managed to escape this asshole.

MoveToParis · 07/09/2024 06:18

I also pray OP has left.

Although this is an old thread, because I recognize the same abusive dynamic from own experience, I know it can take years to summon up the courage to leave. Therefore I will post here to give OP a little boost in case she needs it now.

Everyone tells me how much I have blossomed since I left my horrible ex-, and they will say it you too.

Read your OP and know that there is life without every aspect of your character being attacked.

Just the first point alone brought back all the stress and awfulness. I know that your life will feel good if he goes away for the weekend. But you can have that feeling all the time. I hope you already do experience that lightness and optimism that comes when you free yourself from someone who denigrates you and makes life miserable because that’s the only way they know how to live.@Sparksfly92

Campergirls1 · 07/09/2024 06:46

What a long terrifying list of a seriously unhinged, angry, aggressive, abusive man.
I also hope she has escaped him.🙏

Original poster
Sparksfly92 · 16/12/2024 15:41

It's taken me a while but almost a year since I posted this and I have finally left him 2 weeks ago. Feel so scared and unsure but I know I am doing the best thing

OP posts:
Jellyfishsandwiches · 16/12/2024 15:50

Well done! You're definitely doing the right thing, you deserve so much better. It might be tough right now, but you'll get through.

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