Shouldn't have let him go

[Timetogo24]

Name change to hide my pathetic-ness 

I just have to say it out loud somewhere and hope someone else has experienced similar.

I met my soulmate when I was 15, I didn't know it at the time. We were best friends and I was so in love with him, but being young it just didn't work out.

I ended up in an abusive relationship from 16-18 years old. He picked up the pieces as he always does and held my hand through it all. Only I was too damaged from the trauma and had a lot of traumatic events happen to my family alongside this. I pushed him away.

Went on a dark and lonely path until I was 22. I messaged him out of the blue one day. He replied immediately, then called me shortly afterwards. I could hear that he was walking and asked where he was. He replied 'I was just at a party with some uni friends but I left because I'd rather talk to you.' I tried to rush into a relationship with him but he had built a life in another county and wanted to take things slowly. I took it as rejection and ran before I got hurt as I always do.

Was engaged to somebody else for 10 years. Have 2 DDs. Have suffered emotional abuse in this relationship for at least 3 years now, and we have split. I messaged B shortly after the split and asked if we could talk. He's my safety blanket and always has been. He replied within 20 seconds asking if I was safe and talked some sense into me whilst feeling very depressed.

Fast forward 6 months and after medication and therapy I finally feel in the best place I've been since I was a teen. I realise now that he has always been there picking up the pieces, leaving when asked to and dropping everything when he knows I need him. I know that's unfair on my part, and I shouldn't have kept running away. But all I know in life is abandonment and being treated like I'm a burden. He's the only person who has ever made me feel like a somebody. Only now, he is in a happy relationship. And I am happy for him, he deserves the happiness. But I also feel like he's the one I was meant to be with all along.

I think about him every day, and I just can't shake off the hole in my life where he should be. I miss him so much. I don't know the point of this thread, but I suppose I wonder if maybe he still loves me too?

To ask if I'm safe must mean he cares. He also told me that when my name popped up he forgot how to breathe! Maybe I'm reading too much into it. I'm just a sad sack in love with the past, arent I?

If he's in a happy relationship, the best gift you can give him, is to leave him alone.

There's always a possibility his new relationship won't last but I think you need to keep as far away from them as possible. If for some reason it doesn't work out, you'll know that you had nothing to do with its demise and that your hands are 'clean'.

I know it's hard especially when you have regrets but perhaps you could go back to counselling and get some strategies for letting this one go?

You're right @goldedging - I know it would be selfish of me to contact him. It's taken so much will power not to message him merry Christmas, but I know it just wouldn't be fair. Thank you

Sometimes we meet the right person at the wrong time. A long time ago I split with a lovely boyfriend,- I thought we were too young and we lived some distance apart (due to work that wasnt going to change). Fast forward 20 years and Ive split with my cheating husband. I fantasise about that lovely ex but he’s now in a happy relationship and although we talk I can’t tell him that he’s all I want. It’s not fair to turn up and mess up someone’s life is it? So, whilst you can daydream about what might have been, you should keep it as a daydream imo

Dare I say it, I’m sure he’s absolutely lovely and extremely kind but it seems to me you want a hero!

That needs unpicking a bit. I get it I do (been there) but at the end of the day you need to knock him off the pedestal you’ve put him on and put yourself there.

And yes you need to leave him alone.

I’m not sure I believe in soulmates and I believe you’re over exaggerating his good qualities because you’ve chosen so badly. I’d be deconstructing what it is about him that you like and looking for those qualities in someone new.

Leave him alone. If he is for you an opportunity will present itself. However he seems in a happy place and you need to leave him there.

What’s for you will not go by you as my granny said. Now it’s not the time. In all honestly it may never be the time. I’d use his time in this relationship to accept and come to terms with that. Give him space to enjoy his partner.

You have something and someone very special, you have a supportive best friend and for me that’s way more important than a romantic relationship. We have many different kinds of love in our life and some aren’t romantic. Appreciate the friendship and what you have and try to stop longing for more. I can guarantee what you have built up in your head is not and never will be reality.

Thank you for all being gentle with me - I know I'm being a complete sap!

I have no intentions of contacting him because I know it wouldn't be fair. I just wish there was a way I could switch my brain off from missing him. I'm going to use the time to work on myself and my low self esteem and I suppose if it's meant to be it will happen one day

You're right not not to contact him. Life is complicated, feelings are complicated.

It sounds like you have a strong bond. Work on yourself and see what happens with his relationship and your own feelings over time. I completely agree with the poster who said you want a hero. Can you really, truly imagine an equal relationship with this man where you you support him as well as well as him supporting you? Conversely, would he be interested in an equal relationship or is he one of those who like to be the White Knight? I'd be extremely wary of that type of man.

Brutal truth (my pov):

I think you're his 'one that got away' too. Speaking from experience, I would drop everything, any time, my 'one', even if I'd been pushed into the friendzone as you did to him multiple times.

I honestly do think you would have a chance if you actually wholeheartedly tried. I would actually drop my life for that 'one', even though mine is 15 years ago, and nothing happened between us, just like your situation. But that's why I avoid temptation. I cut it off 15 years ago because I couldn't live a life if I was communicating/tempted.

Harsh truth bit: I do think he's better off without you. If you've played him around so so many times in the past, why couldn't your insecurities do the same again? You kept him hanging, tormented him, used him... and as a result, if history is anything to go by, I see one of two possibilities if you actively try with him: Your insecurities get the better of you again and you abandon him during a moment of weakness... or you dig your claws in and absolutely smother him because you've now finally got him. Neither would work.