Feeling used

[Baglady56]

I feel used all year and not appreciated by my daughter and SIL. I loaned them interest free 70 thousand pounds a few years ago to pay deposit on a house furnish it and pay off some debts. Since then they have hit good times both earn a lot and buy my two grandchildren designer clothes and expensive phones etc the list goes on.
They pay me back £200 a month which is going to take years to pay back but say that’s all they can afford!!
i am bought a gift for Xmas that is no more than £20 and same for my birthday. I look after my grandchildren regularly and babysit on a regular basis with little thanks. I love my GC and do all I can for them it’s not their fault.
I always spend about £300 on Xmas for them as a family it takes me all year to save for Xmas. I’m a pensioner and only have a small private pension as well. The only times my daughter calls round is when she wants a favour which is so upsetting. I feel totally used and would appreciate any advice on how to handle this situation.

I'd be saying they need to look at a remortgage and pay to a chunk back, if not all of it, now they are doing better. There should have been a legal agreement with a more satisfactory plan to pay you back so you've dropped the ball there. Put your foot down, what was the initial agreement?

I’ve been very foolish and realise that now. They do pay regularly but it was all done on goodwill. It’s not all about the money to be honest I just expect to be appreciated and not taken for granted.

advice?

Talk to them to explain how you feel
or
take a massive step back and reduce contact

that is literally the only two options short of never seeing them again

Yes £200 a month for 70k I'd say they see the money as gifted to them and they pay small amount back as a goodwill gesture rather than actually paying the debt off...

As for the present, if they owe you that much and only pay £200 a month it would bring up the conversation that they could afford to pay more (obviously you already know this)

Unfortunately I think when you help your adult children. They do take advantage of this and continue to see you as a branch of help. I am close to my mother (no help) however my sister seems to only come around when she can be of use. I said to my mother to not do it and her reply was 'but I won't see her!' 🤦🏼‍♀️

I think there are two things here.

One is that they are taking you for granted given everything you do but no real plan to repay you when you are a pensioner.

Second is that I've heard so often parents say I gifted them money and want to be appreciated. The two things are exclusive from the other - the money doesn't buy you extra appreciation and as you say they're not so hard up anymore but the appreciation that you enabled that has waned.

You need to speak to your dd. You say the money doesn't really matter but it should - what are your retirement plans when dd and co are swanning off on holidays, for example.

And dd needs to realise that she should be paying proportionally more back.

At least you need to put your feelings on the table to see how they respond, then you will know where you really stand.

One thing you can easily do is cut back on the amount you spend on them. £20 each is about right. You also need to cut down on your availability for babysitting. You can't make them change but there's some things within your power

Your daughter probably sees it as inheritance.
Your SIL? was/is she married to your brother?

Stop being a martyr and respect yourself more and perhaps your DD will appreciate you a bit more too. Even though you may enjoy it don't be quite so available for baby sitting.

It's going to take over 30 years to pay back the "loan" - so I agree with others that this is sunk money that your DD regards as inheritance or "her right." Some adult Dc feel that everything their parent/s have (including time)is theirs but everything they make themselves is their own. It's not in her interest to wonder if you enjoy scrimping and saving whilst she lives a high life.

You are doing so much for her already and she doesn't appreciate you so you need to change your behaviour and hope that DD will change hers. Spend less on presents - tell her you can't afford it. Don't deny yourself the odd luxury when in the past you would have swerved it to save money for DD's family. Does your DD know that you live on such a small pension? Perhaps she thinks you have more money than you do to live on.

Do you have other children? If so I think your will should mention this loan.

Because of the rise in the cost of living and the length of time it'll take to repay this money, I think you're well within your rights to ask for £3-400 per month now.

Change your will

Could you try talking to your DD to say (in an on-confrontational way) what you have written, about feeling unappreciated?

Regarding the loan, was there anything signed at the time to reflect that it was a loan? As others have said, if you have other children then it is definitely worth reflecting this in your will, unless you’ve lent a similar amount to your other children.

In terms of the amount being spent on your DGC for presents, do you need to spend this much? My parents spend significantly less on my DC, and that’s absolutely fine, they I (and my DP and the children) value their company more than the gifts. I would suggest reducing your spending on presents to what you can realistically afford.

That will take 29 years in total to pay back at the rate of £200 a month. Did you calculate that when you lent them the money? Were you happy with those terms.

I think you need to let them know but unless you have a paper trail, there's very little you can do

Son in law not sister in law

Thank you all for your advice. I am going to start putting myself first and say no. As for the loan I’m going to wait for the right moment to ask for it to be put up. I don’t want to cause any rift because of my grandchildren whom I love dearly and really want in my life.