Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partners friendship with Ex

9 replies

StayWildMoonChild16 · 27/12/2023 09:15

Been with my partner nearly 5 years, I have 2 older DC's from previous relationship, and we have a DC together.
He's a brilliant dad and step dad.

Something that's been bothering me for a while. He used to see someone before we met. She was from another country, and has since moved back there.
They are in touch regularly on whats app. She is now married, has a child.
I will admit, I have looked at these messages occasionally, when something in my gut tells me too, and its always been right. He knows I have done this.
But he also tells me when she's messaging.
My issue is, the context of the messages.
She text over Xmas, his phone was on the side and I saw the message come up, I didn't open it, but she signed off the message with "love you".
Her husband works away, and she has been leaning on my partner lately, and he has agreed that she is probably relying on him for emotional support.
But I think the type of message cross boundaires, from both of them.
When I was pregnant, my partner messaged her to say he always thought she would be the one carrying his baby. I was so hurt by this. And her reply was to make sure I didn't see these messages, so she knew they were inappropriate.

He never mentions me, always the kids, its like I don't exist. He sends her pics of our baby, that he hasn't even shown me. (We normally send or show each other the pics we have taken of the children)

I feel like she's the one that got away, and if she came back, I'd be gone, and he'd chose her.

I've told him that's how it makes me feel.
He gets it, but it still continues.
I've said to him, I don't want him to stop contact with her, it's more the inappropriate messages.
He tells me I have nothing to worry about, and that's she's on the other side of the world, and she's no threat to me.

There are more messages, nothing sexual, but more than what I would talk to an ex, if that makes sense.
He gets jealous, in a sarcastic way if I talk to my older DC's Godfather, as he doesn't know him.
When i do get upset about it, he compares it to me talking to my kids dad, i remind him that i have to talk to him, and i would rather not, and its only ever about the kids. And i say there is nothing tying him and his ex together as they have no kids.

He tends to get really chatty to her when he's had a drink, its so predictable.

I'm I over-reacting, or is this inappropriate?

OP posts:
solice84 · 27/12/2023 09:17

I could not tolerate this
He is having an emotional affair and if he got the chance again it would be a physical one

LetMeOut2021 · 27/12/2023 09:19

This isn’t ok.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 27/12/2023 09:21

He tells me I have nothing to worry about, and that's she's on the other side of the world, and she's no threat to me.

He should be saying she is not threat, because you are my wife and I love you, our children and life more than anything.

If he loved you, he would cut ties with her, he loves the ego boost, the "white knight" feeling of her turning to him when her husband is away.

He is holding a torch for her and I would not be happy at all.

How would he feel if you messaged and relied on an old flame, if you sent him pictures of your baby and wished his was the father.

He doesn't need her in his life, but he wants her there.

Bobbotgegrinch · 27/12/2023 09:21

I'm one of the biggest "Exes can be friends" cheerleaders on here , but even PlI reckon he's taking the piss on this one.

You're right, she's the one that got away and you're just the understudy until she comes back.

I wouldn't be happy with anything other than no contact, and I'm not sure I could carry on with the relationship even then.

Original poster
StayWildMoonChild16 · 27/12/2023 09:23

That's my thoughts.
And it's both of them.
She's supposed to be coming over to visit next year, he tells me he can't wait for me to meet her. Can't say that's something I particularly want to do. Not sure I'd be able to hide my face (if my mouth doesn't say it, my face does 😂)
He had a few beers last night, I went to bed early, and I would put money on that they were messaging. Probably just general chit chat about the kids and Xmas. It just makes me feel like a fool.

OP posts:
Original poster
StayWildMoonChild16 · 27/12/2023 09:26

To be fair, he does tells me I am his life, and he loves his family more than anything.....but ur right, he does love to be the Knight in shining armour, that she can go to. He loves an ego boost

OP posts:
Littlemissmagnet · 27/12/2023 11:50

They broke up so deep down he or she knew it wasn't going to work. Messaging constantly is not on. I am friends with my ex. We do still talk, and it also includes our other halves and children. Both other halves are aware. I deeply love my DH, and if he said no, I am not comfortable, I would stop. Likewise, if his DW said the same, I would never want to want to be the person in the middle. However, there is a difference that is trust. We all trust each other.

Littlemissmagnet · 28/12/2023 09:51

StayWildMoonChild16 · 27/12/2023 09:26

To be fair, he does tells me I am his life, and he loves his family more than anything.....but ur right, he does love to be the Knight in shining armour, that she can go to. He loves an ego boost

It probably is an ego boost. He has chosen you, by. the way, btw don't forget that! He is probably harping back for when he was younger rather than this person! Good luck, OP

Mummy2024 · 19/05/2024 13:35

StayWildMoonChild16 · 27/12/2023 09:15

Been with my partner nearly 5 years, I have 2 older DC's from previous relationship, and we have a DC together.
He's a brilliant dad and step dad.

Something that's been bothering me for a while. He used to see someone before we met. She was from another country, and has since moved back there.
They are in touch regularly on whats app. She is now married, has a child.
I will admit, I have looked at these messages occasionally, when something in my gut tells me too, and its always been right. He knows I have done this.
But he also tells me when she's messaging.
My issue is, the context of the messages.
She text over Xmas, his phone was on the side and I saw the message come up, I didn't open it, but she signed off the message with "love you".
Her husband works away, and she has been leaning on my partner lately, and he has agreed that she is probably relying on him for emotional support.
But I think the type of message cross boundaires, from both of them.
When I was pregnant, my partner messaged her to say he always thought she would be the one carrying his baby. I was so hurt by this. And her reply was to make sure I didn't see these messages, so she knew they were inappropriate.

He never mentions me, always the kids, its like I don't exist. He sends her pics of our baby, that he hasn't even shown me. (We normally send or show each other the pics we have taken of the children)

I feel like she's the one that got away, and if she came back, I'd be gone, and he'd chose her.

I've told him that's how it makes me feel.
He gets it, but it still continues.
I've said to him, I don't want him to stop contact with her, it's more the inappropriate messages.
He tells me I have nothing to worry about, and that's she's on the other side of the world, and she's no threat to me.

There are more messages, nothing sexual, but more than what I would talk to an ex, if that makes sense.
He gets jealous, in a sarcastic way if I talk to my older DC's Godfather, as he doesn't know him.
When i do get upset about it, he compares it to me talking to my kids dad, i remind him that i have to talk to him, and i would rather not, and its only ever about the kids. And i say there is nothing tying him and his ex together as they have no kids.

He tends to get really chatty to her when he's had a drink, its so predictable.

I'm I over-reacting, or is this inappropriate?

Wow, how you stayed after you saw that message saying I always thought it would be you carrying my baby is beyond me. Your absolutely correct OP, he sees her as the one that got away and her being on the other side of the world is his excuse for you not needing to worry? You deserve so so much better than this.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page