I am emotionally shut down

[Ocean24]

After DH’s latest rage a week ago, I realised I have emotionally shut down from him. I think I’ve finally reached that point where I am done mentally and emotionally.
He either doesn’t see it or refuses to. I honestly think this marriage is a convenience for him. He cannot honestly believe we have a loving & healthy relationship.

This is your self protection cutting in. Pay attention to it. Time to get out, if you can. (Bitter voice of experience.)

He's raging, is he?

Has he ever been violent? Because he will progress to violence at some point.

I'm not surprised you've shut down emotionally. You're protecting yourself. He's abusive and untrustworthy.

What would you like to do? Do you want to stay married or would you like to find a way out?

Hasn’t hit me or the kids (yet) but did throw some clothes off the couch onto the floor in anger once and then stormed off to his study for the night.
Also once said he would stab me in the eye if I didn’t get out of his way.

I want to leave, I am so done. I do not love him anymore and haven’t for a long time.

You have to take action right now. You are not only putting yourself at serious risk of harm, but also your children. Whether mentally or physically, it WILL seriously damage your children if you stay with this man and subject them and yourself to his abuse. I promise you that it will get worse.

I want to leave but we have a disabled child and the house has been modified for that child to be more independent. So it’s not an easy situation to navigate.
DH seems oblivious to how I am acting towards him, unless he has finally realised he’s gone too far and is trying desperately to keep things normal and chummy so I will eventually warm to him again.
It makes me so angry when he flips out, blames everyone else for his tantrum, storms off, ignores everyone then when he has calmed down acts super nice and helpful, and no apology for his behaviour.

I hear you. The same thing happened to me, my husband got really angry at me and was yelling and raging whilst I was driving on a motorway with the kids in the backseat. It could have been really dangerous, but somehow that moment I just completely shut down and did not even respond. Felt upset but mostly because the kids had to witness his rage. When we got home I took off my wedding ring and haven't worn it since. Even he realised he was out of order and apologised later, was the first time he's done that, but for me it was all too late. That was back in September and ever since he has been trying to make more effort, but I just feel emotionally distant now. Told him a couple of days ago that I would like to break up and he' been guilt tripping me ever since and the atmosphere has been just awful.

I’m so sorry you are dealing with this too.
The one time we came to close to splitting up he said he would ‘die alone’ if we did so I felt guilty and awful and nothing got resolved. I now realise he was emotionally manipulating me into staying.
I feel so emotionally drained. Even though he’s never actually hit me (he did actually say once ‘at least I’ve never hit you’) I feel like I have been beaten over and over again, if that makes sense.

It's not a way to live is it. My husband has also been emotionally abusive for years, there's been yelling, gaslighting, silent treatment, the whole lot, I have been walking on eggshells for years, but there's never been any physical violence. He has also shouted at our eldest the way he shouts at me which is just awful. But all that has now stopped since the incident in September. He now says it's all my fault, that I have been treating him horribly for years and he's the one who's been walking on eggshells. It's pretty incredible how his memory is so selective and he somehow sees himself as a victim.
What are you planning to do now? I am determined to get a divorce but have agreed to marriage counselling as a result of him making me feel so guilty. I hope the counselling might help us communicate better for the kids' sake, and make him understand that the relationship has broken down irretrievably. He is hoping it might save the marriage but I know that's not an option.

The same has been going on here too for years.
DH has a victim mentality, everyone is against him, it’s never his fault, and pulls the “don’t blame me’ card all the time, even when I’m not blaming him at all.
I can’t live like this anymore but I don’t know how to move forward either. I don’t want to fix our marriage anymore and I’m honestly scared of telling him that. I know he will blame me and the kids and the world but not look at his own behaviour as a contributing factor.

I also try not to blame him as would like to keep things amicable for the kids' sake. And I just know that whatever I say he will somehow twist around and make everything my fault, something he's always done. I haven't gotten as far as telling him that I want a divorce, have so far only managed to admit that I am considering breaking up with him. Not sure if the counselling will make any difference or help with the communication, but hopefully can at least say that have tried everything. Would counselling be an option for you for the same reasons?

Maybe. I have access to free counselling through work so I might go by myself first and then decide if it’s worth going together.
Years ago I told DH he needed to do something about his anger issues. He saw a counsellor once and never went back.
I have been thinking back the last few days to ALL the incidents I have tolerated over the years and it makes me so angry but also depressed because I feel like such a coward for not walking away. Why have I let myself and my kids be treated like this over and over again?
And why does he think it’s ok to tell me to F off or F you because he misinterpreted what I said, or throw cloths off the couch in anger then storm off and give everyone the silent treatment because he wanted to lay on the couch and they were there? Or rant at our son in hospital telling him it’s his fault he ended up with an infection (it wasn’t). Or stomp through the house saying ‘he’s sick of everyone’ after getting into an argument with our son and once again locking himself in his study and giving everyone the silent treatment.
Just writing these things down makes me so miserable that I couldn’t see his behaviour for what it really was.

It's not that easy to walk away from an abusive relationship, especially when there are kids involved. I only recently realised that my marriage has been abusive, and only because I happened too an article online about emotional abuse, and my husband's behaviour ticked so many boxes. Really wish I had ended it a long time ago, but there has been some good times as well and until a couple of years ago I still actually loved him.
I would definitely get some counselling if you can get it for free, nothing to lose there! I have been wondering whether I should get some therapy just for myself as well, but not sure I can afford it.

I almost made an appointment last year but chickened out. I find it really hard to
open up about it, I’m actually surprised I’ve had the courage to talk about it online but I guess that means I am making progress of some sort.
Up until recently I’ve also been confused as to whether it’s actually abusive as it’s not always like this, (have been reading up on the cycle of abuse recently).
Do you talk to any friends or family? I have spoken to my closest friend who is very supportive but I’ve stopped telling her as she must get frustrated that I don’t do anything other than whinge.

@Ocean24 Do not tell him you are thinking of breaking up. You need to keep at least one step ahead of him. Think. Plan. Post here.

Sadly, no-one really believed me about Ex, and still don't. This partly is because his behaviour (cocklodger) led to me actually breaking down mentally, so my words are not trusted, and partly because some of them think he's a nice bloke

@Stuckandunhappy the usual advice on MN is not to go to joint counselling with an abuser. Very often the counsellor will be taken in by the abuser At best, the abuser comes away will more ammunition about the abused, provided by the very person they are abusing.

It's only thanks to MN that I realised what was going on, and I divorced him with the support of MN. He was furious that I was divorcing, and was un-co-operative to the point that I had to take him to court over the settlement. DC were young adults by the time I divorced him.

@SequentialAnalyst thank you for the advice. I’m sorry that you’ve had such a horrible experience, hope things are improving for you.

So I’m checking the balances of gift cards in my purse. I couldn’t read one of the PINs as it was smudged so asked him if he could read it. He got annoyed at me and said I should have used a coin and not my nail and I said it was already like that when I got it out of my purse. He then said ‘ok so I must have done it not you’ in a condescending tone.
Why does he have to be such a jerk over simple things?

Women tend to do most of their grieving and fighting for their relationship whilst they are still in it. When it's time to leave - we are all done with emotions and anger and sadness and there is nothing left.... Then you know it's time. I hope you're ok. I've been there myself. Do reach out if you need to chat

What I don’t understand is how he still thinks everything is fine between us. I don’t give him any physical affection and there hasn’t been intimacy between us for a couple of years. And I avoid going out just the two of us.
Yet he still calls me ‘hon’ and touches me when he walks past. It makes me cringe.
I don’t get how he doesn’t see it and thinks this is normal!

A modified house is not a reason to stay with this man op. The courts might decide that you stay there anyway, until your child is an adult.

i would file for divorce and give myself a chance to be happy, emotionally and fulfilled in the future. The logistics can be resolved but not this ‘marriage’ it is dead in the water op.

@Ocean24 I have one good friend who has also been through an abusive marriage and a subsequent divorce and with whom I can talk about everything that is going on. A couple of other friends know I want to separate, but not the full story of what's been going on.
I have just Googled the cycle or abuse and it pretty much describes spot on what's going on in our marriage, quite frightening. And admittedly I feel a bit foolish for not having been aware of any of this or emotional abuse until recently!
It's great you are talking about this online, feel free to PM as well if you preferred to speak more privately.

@SequentialAnalyst I believe you are right and there is a m good chance DH will just convince the counsellor that he's the victim and I am the manipulator, he can be very charming when he wants to. I also expect for some acquaintances like school run parents to take his side and he us in general very well liked and easy to talk to, whereas I am more shy and reserved.
I felt I had to agree to the counselling just to get him off my back. I had initially planned to speak about separation only after Christmas, but he kept asking me what's wrong and finally I admitted I was considering breaking up with him when I was cooking Christmas Dinner. He then refused to sit down with us for dinner and instead spent the rest of the day sulking upstairs. I was expecting some emotional blackmail and guilt tripping but didn't think he'd actually do something like that, but he can be very selfish.

@Stuckandunhappy well done for telling him how you feel, that must have been very hard, especially wondering how he react.
I hope you and the kids managed to have a nice day even though he refused to join in.
Thank you for the offer to PM, please feel free to message me as well if you need x

He’s currently cleaning out the kitchen. There is a tin of biscuits on the bench that he asked if were still ok to eat. I said probably not but I would like to keep the tin. He asked where should he put it, I said on the table for now as I’m just eating my lunch. Nope, wasn’t happy with that idea, went to the bin and put the tin in. Has been making snide remarks that if he puts things somewhere I won’t move them, they will just stay there till he moves them. Im so sick of his attitude and his control and his passive aggression and raising his voice if he doesn’t agree with what I say.
Please let me find the strength and courage to leave.

Where are you based @Ocean24? If I were you I would probably seek to speak to a therapist, but also start learning about the divorce process, speak to a solicitor as well to understand your legal standing. All this before you say anything to him, be fully prepared and have a plan before you say anything to him.xx

Today he threw my son’s jacket at the wall in anger because he obviously wasn’t happy with the answer I gave when he asked why it was on the couch.
I’ve barely spoken to him since and he is acting so nice and caring and jolly like he did nothing wrong. I hate it!!!
I hate being in this marriage, I hate being scared of calling him out on his behaviour because he will turn it around and blame me or the kids.
I hate walking on eggshells because we never know what’s going to set him off.
I hate how he acts like he did nothing wrong and is so nice and sweet to everyone afterwards.
I can’t even stand to look at him or be around him.

I am going to call our national
domestic violence hotline when he goes back to work next week.