Is the relationship doomed ..?

[SilverSunlight]

Been with boyfriend for just over 5 years now and on the whole, the relationship is great. He’s such a lovely calm human who is rarely moody or stressed, he helps round the house and everyone who meets him loves him.

However ◡̈ .. I have a few issues:

1. He never ever makes me feel desired. He tells me occasionally that I “look nice today” but that’s it, he never makes me feel ‘desired’. It feels like more of a habit than him wanting to rip my clothes off, something I don’t think I’ve ever felt from him. Anytime I speak to him about it he says that he “tells me I look nice all the time”, which I suppose he does but it’s not having the effect he thinks it is. He doesn’t seem to be the biggest sexually orientated person and is pretty awkward when it comes to expressing himself however my question here is, will this fester over time on my side?
2. Second issue is: around 2.5 years ago I found texts on his phone from him to two separate girls (I should note that I was on his phone genuinely looking for something and that the texts were from a few months prior to this). He had been friends with these girls since high school (he’s 33 now for context) and in both texts he was apologising for his behaviour the previous night. Obviously I asked him about it straight out and he admitted that he had been on a night out with his friends and the girls were there and he had been feeling their boobs and bums for a laugh and when he woke up he felt terrible and text them to apologise. Im not sure of other peoples opinions on this but to me, touching other peoples private parts is crossing the line and not something I’d ever even think about, regardless of being drunk. However, we spoke about it, he apologised and he promised that nothing like that would ever happen again - which it hasn’t. However this point, along with the previous point makes me nervous about the whole relationship. I do believe he loves me but his laid back nature doesn’t reassure me that the relationship will last.
3. My last point to note is that over the last 4/5 months, I am now no longer on speaking terms with his parents. They treated us both awfully and I cut contact, my boyf doesn’t want to cut contact completely which is I understand however it obviously just puts another strain on the relationship when it comes to any christmas/events etc.

any advice?

If after 5 years, you feel undesired by him but he touches other girls' breasts while out partying, I'd say that's a problem.

He's promised not to do it again, but people tend to show their true colours when drunk, so I'd be fairly cautious about believing him. And it doesn't resolve the fact that you feel unloved. I think you need to deal with that.

It does sound like you are staying and tolerating him for now, but how do you see your future realistically, do you plan to marry/kids? His immaturity groping women, can you trust him on nights out since? It's a hard one because actions like this chip away at trust, not easy having to no contact with his parents, this will impact your future if you have kids. Think if it's really worth it staying, what do you have to lose or is it fearing that you've just become settled for what you've got, it's your decision how your future turns out.

Ive been married to my husband for over 25 years, 8 years into the marriage he cheated on me ,we had two children
i took him back and we worked on our relationship and i thought untill this summer we were doing good we went on holiday with the family and when we got back home to my disbelief i found out he had messaged her
he denied he did this even swore on our kids lifes but he eventually backed down and confessed saying he didnt know why he did it and he can't remember what was on the voice note ,i was absolutely devastated after all these years that woman had reered herself again ,i messaged her and asked why she had been liking post on my husbands fb ( yes this is another thing ) i asked her if there had been any contact between her and him she said none what so ever ,and after 23 years she actually apologised for all the hurt that had been done
last year his mum died and an ex girlfriend from way back before id met him got in touch with him sending her condolences, i was a little taken back but thought well it was a nice gesture ,the thing is shes still sending's him messages asking him how his coping and there both chatting away like im no where to be seen
my head is all over the place i have no confidence and feel such a fool

How much do you want it to not be over is the question ?

1. Can maybe be worked on if you haven't already tried things, sometimes men get lost into the you look bice beautiful ect when what we want is a cant keep their hands of type of desire. Are you sexually active ? ?

1. Sounds like some type of immature game rather then actual desire of other women I would have a raw conversation about how this effected you.

1. This one depends on whether he respects your right or puts you in uncomfortable situations. He may well follow suit if they're toxic.

Nah throw him back in the pond. He sounds scummy.

I think you meant to start your own thread?
Instead you posted on someone else's.

@SilverSunlight - he clearly feels lukewarm about you, but you don't seem to see him as 'the one' either. I'm not sure that him being a lovely calm human who is rarely moody or stressed, (who) helps round the house and everyone who meets him loves him is enough to sustain a lifetime relationship.

What do you do to make him feel desired ? sounds like he has a different love language, yours is words, his is service, so he probably never use the words you want, get used to that or split.

touching other people is not really on but that’s down to you to work out

they are his parents not yours, not your position to dictate really.

BTW my love language is service and was until very recently in a relationship with someone who’s language was words and at times I thought they were bloody hard work and unappreciated my actions and were often fishing for compliments

I would guess that your bf sometimes thinks that about you

Totally understand that, I get everyone has different love languages and acts of service is definitely his but can I help that it doesn’t serve my love language? Maybe he feels unloved because my love language doesn’t suit him .. but my question is, can things last this way?

Sorry! Not totally used to this yet, I didn’t realise!

Well nothing now because I’m so self conscious that he doesn’t fancy me. I was confident before and now im scared to initiate anything.

i do think it was just a joke and nothing like that has ever happened before or after so im hoping it was a one off mistake but i wanted to put it in there for opinions

agreed, and i do let him do as he pleases with them but again just wanted opinions on people who have maybe lived in this situation for a long time

You need to feel good about yourself first sweetheart. I completely understand why you don't, but you need to feel sexy I don't know what things were like at the start but have you ever teased in lingere ? Sent naughty pictures or even fantasy dirty talk while he's at work ect ?

No advice on the family side ours are both messed up 🤭

I think to be told you 'look nice all the time' is pretty affirming.

It's as if he sees who you essentially are and likes that. I can see that some people want the performance of dressing up in some glamorous/erotic way and this arousing a heightened response.

But I think a more relaxed approach if fine.

I'd also say that if you want to bring something extra into your sexual relationship, that you should feel able to initiate that.

Sounds like you're good friends. But you're not having sex, he's made you feel self-conscious and afraid, and you don't trust him around other women.

So it can't work out as a loving relationship. I'd end it now before you get any more entangled.

(Have you ever wondered if he's gay?)

Thanks so much for all the replies everyone!

The only advice I have is to follow your gut instinct..... It is rarely wrong in my experience... when something feels off - it usually is, sadly.