Acceptance of Separation

[Ladymayflower]

Hello MN - I come to you as I know you will all give me the needed kick up the rear and hopefully give me a little shake to move on.
In a nutshell, exDH moved out 6 months ago after a period of him being very moody and distant. Of course there was an OW and at least an EA (all he has ever admitted to). We are early forties, have been married for 14 years but together for 20 with two DCs (12 and 9). Rather than being devastated, I was relieved when he left and have been very much enjoying finding myself again and being on my own with the DCs (and suddenly time for myself when ExDH had the children) They live with me permanently (he moved into a "flat share" in another town near his work) but would come to the house and be with them 2-3 days a week here whilst I'd mostly be out or at work. We are still friends which is likely because I am incredibly forgiving and hellbent on getting through this as amicably as possible for the children.
I know our marriage is over and part of me want to accept this as a nice friendship and co-parents - which we truly are. But there is this little flame of hope in me that he may see sense one day. However he is now looking to move closer to me (walking distance preferably) - but with the OW. And it is absolutely floored me. I'm completely devastated. And I don't know why. I don't want to live with him again. And I frankly have been asking him to find somewhere in my town since he moved as we can't continue him coming here when seeing the children (and often having to stay overnight in spare room) as that does make it really hard for me to move on. But somehow this has quashed that little flame and I am just so so sad.
I will say that I think we could be better friends than romantic partners - I like him but I'm not really attracted to him anymore and our marriage was lacking any sort of romance or intimacy. Which I miss and look forward to hopefully finding one day with someone.
But yet here I am crying my puffy little eyes out and feeling that gut wrenching out of stomach that stops me from sleeping.

Please tell me I am ridiculous and I need to accept and start moving on properly!

I'm so sorry your feeling this way, he needs to find a place big enough to have the children overnight with him. This will give you the distance you need to move on with your own life. Very convenient for him to have the best of both isn't it!! Once he's out of your life properly and you have every other weekend to yourself you'll be able to relax a little more and start enjoying life.

Given you don't seem to have any real wish for him to resume the marriage, I think what you're wanting is not to feel rejected by him. If he realises he's made a mistake and wants to come back that gives you the power back so you can say no. I think the way you're feeling is understandable - you no doubt worked hard to build the life that he walked away from - but if you look at what you've written you can see you don't want him back.

Him moving closer to you with the OW is a kick in the teeth and brings with it the possibility of your children having to deal with a step-mother of some kind, which is very unsettling.

It sounds like you've both been playing at separation for the last six months, with him spending a lot of time still in your house (confusing for the children). Now it's got real; he's moved on, you've moved on.

Hopefully you will be able to retain your friendship as you move into this new phase, although it sounds like divorce proceedings haven't yet started? There is likely to be conflict to come but the sooner you start that the sooner you can get to the other side.

Frankly I think he is being an arsehole moving in so quickly with the OW it's too quick and I feel bad for your DC. It's not right for them.

If he was truly focused on them he wouldn't be taking that decision.

Yes you need to move on and just focus on the co parent situation.

He has shown you how selfish he is so why linger on him.

I think what you are doing is grieving. Divorce and separation is not easy. You have probably had some comfort in his presence but it has probably just cushioned the blow a little. Allow yourself to cry be get it out of your system because this will happen. This is your first Christmas separated, it’s bound to be a really emotional time. Just don’t wallow for too long.
it’s the new year coming up which is great, a new start and a new focus. What hobbies would you like to try, get some things penned in the diary to look forward to. Try not to focus on what he is doing as he is not part of your life anymore, he is part of your children’s lives.
I hope that all helps.

Given you don't seem to have any real wish for him to resume the marriage, I think what you're wanting is not to feel rejected by him.

Absolutely this. Often we don’t want them back, but we don’t want to feel like we weren’t good enough. It’s disempowering to be the one who is ‘dumped’, but you just to reframe your mindset and think he has done you a favour. Now you’re free to look for a happier, more fulfilling relationship.

Thank you so much to you all for taking time to reply. It's really helpful to read your comments. And I honestly think that is exactly the issue; the rejection. It hurts and has got my self worth quite hard. The fact that I was not good enough to be picked. And not worth fighting for. (Not helped that OW is significantly younger than me (17 years!!) without any other commitments which means I just feel like an old moody hag!) And also that I had absolutely no control on his decision which makes me feel so powerless.
And yes to grieving as well. Grieving the future - and slightly worried about what the new future will look like. Financially I'll thankfully be okay - and I'll keep the house. But there are still financial perks to being married that I'll no longer have.

The OW as a potential step mother is definitely a stomach dropping revelation and actually the part I struggle most with. I know I can't control this and I can just hope that exDH has enough sense to manage this well enough for all involved. I have already thought about how I should probably meet her if she is going to be part of their lives. But also so I don't look over my shoulders every time I walk around my neighbourhood wondering who she is f they eventually move here. I'm sure she is lovely. But as I'm still trying to process all of this, it is perhaps too premature to meet. I have asked him to please hold off telling the DCs about OW for now. I think they would really struggle with that concept given he only moves out 6mo ago and a lot our lives are still joint. He hasn't even told friend or family about OW or the truth about where he currently is.
I know I am strong enough to navigate all of this with time. And for now I just need to move on, focus on me and let him deal with his own life!