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Original poster

Supporting someone out of a long term relationship

18 replies

MrsFletchersFrenchFancy · 27/12/2023 00:13

My DB has just broken up with his girlfriend of 12 years after he discovered she'd been cheating on him for several months with a close friend. Turns out she's had a couple of one night stands previously as well (which he knew about apparently, but no one else did).

DB had a sort of non-reaction really. He had been questioning the future of the relationship a bit himself, but he doesn't appear to be angry with her at all or devastated either.

They still have to have some contact due to work, and she's also still technically living in the flat they shared. She's been staying with a friend, though has been back to the flat as well.

She will be going away for a month or two in January. He recently suggested that she would "see how she feels when she gets back" and it sounds like he'd take her back if she wants.

How can I help him see that the future does not contain this cheating witch and he should leave this relationship behind him? He's stuck in a sunken costs fallacy. I think he's been feeling a bit lonely over Christmas and he's been texting her...

OP posts:
Readyforrespite · 27/12/2023 00:18

Only your DB and his ex know what went on in their relationship. Accept that your DB is an adult and can make his own decisions. If you want to continue a close relationship with your DB, don't bad mouth her to him.

Original poster
MrsFletchersFrenchFancy · 27/12/2023 00:24

I wasn't intending on that. Just a way to see that there's a world out there and other fish in the sea.

It's easy to say "it's not your business", but when it's someone very close to you who you want the best for, you want to help them in troublesome times.

OP posts:
Rania78 · 27/12/2023 05:49

I think be direct with him and ask him why he wants her back.

ElevenSeven · 27/12/2023 05:56

I’d butt out, tbh. He has the same facts as you, maybe more. It’s up to him what he does with them.

heartofglass23 · 27/12/2023 05:59

So they had an open relationship which he was fine about?

Calling her a witch makes me want to take her side! There will always be more to this than you know.

Original poster
MrsFletchersFrenchFancy · 27/12/2023 07:22

@heartofglass23 No, she cheated on him twice (once a long time ago and once last year), and he decided to forgive her as it was apparently a drunken mistake. This more recent event was consistently with the same person over several months and she didn't confess, he found out accidentally.

What sort of mitigating circumstances are you imagining that would make this fine for her to do? In what circumstances is cheating fine and not a terrible betrayal?

If she was unhappy in the relationship with my brother, then end it! Don't string him along having her cake and eating it.

OP posts:
Rania78 · 27/12/2023 07:40

@MrsFletchersFrenchFancy hmmm, wonder whether they have agreed on an open relationship though? Maybe he is aware of all that and is doing the same?

Original poster
MrsFletchersFrenchFancy · 27/12/2023 07:49

@Rania78 No, they had not agreed on an open relationship and he is not doing the same.

OP posts:
Rania78 · 27/12/2023 09:19

Then I don’t know why someone would stay in such relationship. I would talk to him and be direct. I do not agree with people who say that you should stay out.
Sometimes we need a loved one to shake us and show us that things are not all right. And I think you should do it even If he is frustrated and stops talking to you for a while. You see, very often in such relationships the cheated one has been manipulated so much that they can’t see clearly. Make sure you tell him what you see and that you will be there to support him when he leaves, as it’s not a matter of “If” but rather a matter of “when” he does it.

tescocreditcard · 27/12/2023 09:30

Was he faithful to her throughout the relationship? For 12 years?

Readyforrespite · 27/12/2023 09:31

Rania78 · 27/12/2023 09:19

Then I don’t know why someone would stay in such relationship. I would talk to him and be direct. I do not agree with people who say that you should stay out.
Sometimes we need a loved one to shake us and show us that things are not all right. And I think you should do it even If he is frustrated and stops talking to you for a while. You see, very often in such relationships the cheated one has been manipulated so much that they can’t see clearly. Make sure you tell him what you see and that you will be there to support him when he leaves, as it’s not a matter of “If” but rather a matter of “when” he does it.

The problem with doing this is that if they do get back together then you are the considered the judgemental bitch that hates his partner.

You have the facts he's chosen to tell you, he has much more than that.

Pizdietz · 27/12/2023 09:33

I have so many rescue fantasies about friends and family who are, in my view, trapped in ghastly relationships that are sucking the life out of them fast.

Twice I've had the pleasure of carefully, tactfully, gently supporting someone through their break with someone who clearly wasn't good for them.

In both cases, they're back together again now 🤯😁

Easier said than done OP, but try not to waste energy on other people's lives. Focus on your own happiness. Make 2024 your year!!!

Original poster
MrsFletchersFrenchFancy · 27/12/2023 14:53

@tescocreditcard Yes, 100%. Is that hard to believe? Confused

OP posts:
Rania78 · 27/12/2023 16:22

@Readyforrespite so what? You are honest and stand your ground because you love your brother.

Pretying · 27/12/2023 17:33

*DB had a sort of non-reaction really. He had been questioning the future
of the relationship a bit himself, but he doesn't appear to be angry
with her at all or devastated either. *

He doesn't sound arsed then.
There will be a reason for that.

I would keep out of this one, I don't think it's as clear cut as you think it is.

You're doing a lovely job of the flying monkey though.

category12 · 27/12/2023 18:23

MrsFletchersFrenchFancy · 27/12/2023 07:22

@heartofglass23 No, she cheated on him twice (once a long time ago and once last year), and he decided to forgive her as it was apparently a drunken mistake. This more recent event was consistently with the same person over several months and she didn't confess, he found out accidentally.

What sort of mitigating circumstances are you imagining that would make this fine for her to do? In what circumstances is cheating fine and not a terrible betrayal?

If she was unhappy in the relationship with my brother, then end it! Don't string him along having her cake and eating it.

It's not fine for her to do - but it's up to him if he wants her back. Lots of people stay in relationships where the other person has cheated. He needs to find his own way forward.

Instead of taking an aggressive stance, just be supportive to your brother. Let him talk if he wants to. It's fine to say you're worried about him and think he'd be risking the same happening again, but I would be restrained in what you say about her.

You might hate her for hurting him and think he shouldn't take her back, but if he wants to, he will, whatever you say. If you make it harder for him he might not confide in you again or may even distance himself from you.

Whiskerson · 27/12/2023 21:30

Pretying · 27/12/2023 17:33

*DB had a sort of non-reaction really. He had been questioning the future
of the relationship a bit himself, but he doesn't appear to be angry
with her at all or devastated either. *

He doesn't sound arsed then.
There will be a reason for that.

I would keep out of this one, I don't think it's as clear cut as you think it is.

You're doing a lovely job of the flying monkey though.

Yes, this. His reaction is very telling. I'm not sure what exactly it's telling, but it does suggest that

a) he doesn't need anyone to swoop to his rescue, and
b) there may be more to this than the black and white facts you've been given.

You can't "make him see" this in the way you want him to. You can give him company and a listening ear, but don't take it upon yourself to manage his relationships for him, and don't assume you know the situation better than he does.

Original poster
MrsFletchersFrenchFancy · 28/12/2023 08:17

@Pretying "You're doing a lovely job of the flying monkey though"

Sorry? I don't get the reference? I've always understood flying monkeys to carry out the work of narcissists. What's the relevance here?

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