How to address being too tired for sex?

[Soggydesert]

DH and I have been together 13 years and always had a very active sex life. After DC1 things naturally slowed down but we still managed to have sex fairly regularly. But since DC2 we've just found it incredibly difficult to prioritise it. DC2is 1 now and still an awful sleeper. We both work full time and long hours and we always seem to have a lot going on at the weekend. We have very limited family support locally.
We average having sex probably once or twice a month though it's now coming up to a full month since we last had sex. It's incredibly rare we have time to ourselves without the kids and when we are we're just exhausted and almost always end up falling asleep straight away after a quick cuddle.
I've spoken to DH about how it's getting me down. He says he understands and wishes we could have sex more too but doesn't see how we can until the kids are a bit older or DC2 starts sleeping better (we have tried a million different things to address this and nothing works! They're an unbelievably stubborn child!). Generally, DH suits being a dad far more than I suit being a Mum. He's very hands on and does his fair share if not more. It's not that I don't believe him when he says he agrees and wishes we could have more sex, but I do think he's much more accepting and okay with the way things are than I am which doesn't help when I'm feeling low about it and he's just 'well, this is just life at the moment isn't it' and 'they'll only be this tiny for a little while, it's not forever'. I know he's right of course but I'm not okay with this. I just desperately miss the relationship we had before we had children.
Is there anything I can do to get over being annoyed and (very) frustrated?

Is there a window, however short, when they’re both asleep and you’re not too shattered? We’ve got two including a baby and we make a point of turning the tv off and going to bed half an hour earlier than we would if we waited till one or both of us was ready to sleep. Or we put them to bed, tidy down and have sex straight away then settle in for the evening. If it’s important you find a way.

You’re right to keep talking to each other about it, that’s much better than ignoring it and realising that part of your marriage is mostly over.

I think all you can do is keep the conversation alive so you remind each other the attraction is still there, spot any opportunities you can to carve out a bit of respite from the treadmill of life and bide your time for the lungs getting older.
Meanwhile keep the little intimacies going, non sexual touches, eye contact, consideration etc so your relationship stays alive

Lungs= kids 🙄

Do you have a relative or friend who could care for them for 3 minutes whilst you have some adult time? Or afford half a session at nursery?

Also, Some people just express more pragmatism than frustration over situations they don't see as changeable, really doesn't mean he's any less keen to see things change.

Sometimes I think I’m too tired for sex (4 DCs) and I have it any way. Every time doesn’t have to be a marathon, it can be more of a quickie but it is important for your relationship to put the effort in even if you feel to tired. At the end of the day it’s takes 5/10 minutes no one is really to tired for that and once you get going again you’ll get back into the swing of things.

You just have to prioritise your relationship at times to be frank, ie make time for a date night or intimacy, hire a babysitter, keep up with your own wellbeing including looking after yourself, eating well, sleeping enough.

3 minutes 🤣🤣🤣

Sorry, not laughing at you... But that really struck me as funny. 😁😁😁

I'm glad someone picked up on the "3 minutes" 😂 let's be honest, it doesn't take men longer than that doesn't it

Edited because I wrote me! It definitely takes me longer

Any way you can claw back a bit of time - online shopping, robot hoover?

Otherwise I'd say get a few vibrators and some lube to help "guarantee results" and just try to have sex more, but expect it not to work out sometimes. If you're successful 3 times out of five that's still a win.

Oh and get electric toothbrushes. Both good at keeping your teeth clean but also provide plausible deniability if the kids ask about buzzing noises :D

DH has always been of the 'the woman must come first' mentality so I did actually have the exact conversation with him the other month that whilst I greatly appreciate that and obviously love it when we can carve out a really decent chunk of time, I really would prefer to have sex more often even if that means it is just a quickie. He didn't necessarily agree and said something along the lines of quality over quantity 😒 but agreed we could do that...... And as I said, we haven't had sex once in the last month so that's how we'll that went down.

Really, who has the time for that with small kids and work?

I have a 11 and 2 year year old, looking after the 2 year old is SO tiring. My DH though, is still very keen on sex and we average at least once a week.

I mean he’s not wrong it’s just a natural thing when kids are this age. This period will soon pass as DC get older and once a month is a good starting point. There is more to a relationship than sex though and you need to be there for him and covering your share of the mental load and household chores and then maybe he will feel more in the mood more often. Good luck!

The kids are already in nursery full time, we are always at work when they're there. MIL will have one at a time but can't cope with both now she's that bit older she says. I don't know how DH would feel about me asking his Mum to watch the kids downstairs whilst we just pop upstairs for 3 minutes sadly 😜🤣

I will talk to DH again.
DC2 is currently unwell and DH often ends up on the floor in their room for a huge chunk of the night at the moment. When we do mange to get them both asleep the little one inevitably wakes up at some point so it's hard to feel safe to start having sex knowing they'll likely wake up any second.

Unfortunately I think your DH is right, it’s temporary and it will pass, but there’s nothing worse than feeling like you have to have sex and squeezing it in wherever it fits for the sake of it. I can totally see where he is coming from with quality over quantity as well, rushing it just for the sake of saying “we had sex twice this month” doesn’t really help anyone if it’s nothing more than a box ticking exercise which it sounds like it would be.

My only advice would be to try and carve out extra time to spend together if you can for sex/intimacy, but if that’s not possible at the moment then I think you do just have to take things for what they are right now and be a bit “self sufficient” in the meantime! DH & I are in a similar situation in that there just isn’t time right now without it being basically scheduled in (which isn’t very sexy for either of us) and yes we could go up to bed 20 mins earlier to try and fit it in or stay awake 20 mins later but the harsh reality is that at the moment we would both choose the extra sleep! It’s not perfect but it’s not forever and we are intimate in other ways, kisses and cuddles etc

Do you have a relative or friend who could care for them for 3 minutes whilst you have some adult time?

i know you meant 30 minds bit this made
me laugh 😂

op what abiut morning sex
and keeping the weekends quieter , less plans