What to do when you know they're not attracted any more

[Namechange5101520]

Loving partner, together for over 18 years, haven't been intimate for about 9 of them. I've put lots of weight on over the years (over 5 stone). Im the one who has wanted intimacy but he has always turned me down so in the end I just gave up.

He has never admitted it ever but I know that it's because he doesn't find me attractive, I'm aware that he find slimmer women attractive (half nude women on YouTube, he think he hides it well)

He refuses to acknowledge that he doesn't find me attractive, is a loving partner in every other way and I can't imagine life without him but how do you cope knowing that your partner doesn't find you attractive?
I'm not sure I would find it easier if he told me the truth, he's also autistic and his communication skulls aren't the best most of the time.
I'm trying to lose weight, not just so he finds me attractive again but so I can feel confident in myself.

Mate seriously, I would fast. Slim down right in front of him. Get your sex life back.

Thanks, I've lost some weight but still have another 2-3 stone to lose, hoping it helps

The politically correct thing to say is that it shouldn’t matter that you have put on weight but we all know a large weight gain is going to make you look different. You know that. The autism might be affecting general affection though and that might be the thing you can address. More touching and hand holding etc and see what happens.

This will no doubt be an unpopular opinion but I look after myself and expect the same from any partner ( that's not to say I think anyone should conform to this, it's just my choice and preference). I just don't fancy people who are overweight. That's not to say if I already loved someone I'd love them any less if their body changed, my husbands weight fluctuated (down the way though) but I divorced him because he's a dick not because of that. You can't force yourself to be physically attracted to someone, so I'd be motivated by that to go all out and make the effort to look and feel good. It's shit but reality, and can only benefit you too. But ultimately if you're happy in your own skin but not with the lack of sex and intimacy you have to ask yourself why you want, is the marriage right for you? It's not all just about what he wants, you'll be and look amazing to someone who does like your body shape. It's not a reflection on you

Thanks for the advise. I look innthe mirror and don't like what I see, some days I don't mind but generally I'm not happy with my weight and health.
The relationship is loving and supportive in every other way and its really only this that's an issue. I wasted so many years though thinking it could be any other issue then what it was so I'm annoyed he was never honest but I'm not sure how I would have felt if he had been.

The only time a relationship should go 9 years without intimacy is if both partners are happy to live that way. You’re not. Please don’t waste any more of your life.

You're still the same person. He just can't look past your body. I've been married for 18 years too and wouldn't have hung around for 9 years with no intimacy.

This is a very sad and very human issue

I’m afraid I’m in the lose weight camp purely because the gains you get (health , confidence , mental health ) are going to stand you in good stead whatever happens

and it will open your eyes into being desired again more widely too

Slow and steady wins the race , but if you aren’t happy with your fitness levels and heath anyway
its something to address regardless

If someone was turned off by a stone or a few if I would say they were a bit of a dick as weight gain is common with age but 5 stone? Yeah I wouldn't find my dh sexually attractive with that much extra weight. Going from slim to cuddly is one thing but slim to morbidly obese is another. Got your relationship and for your health please lose the weight

I went from 8 stone when i met him to 14 stone so actually 6 stone in total now 12 stone and slowly losing, I don't think I will ever be 8 stone again and wouldn't want to be if im honest, I was only that weight because of being abusive relationship.
I won't leave him, I've experienced so much trauma from a young age and he's the kindest and safest person I've ever known, he's encouraged me to go to university, supports me when I struggle with my mood swings and mental health issues which have got so much better because of him being so consistant and secure. I can live without sex, I wouldn't be happy about it but I'd rather that then be without him.
We have a really good life together just no sex. If I lost the weight and things didn't change then I'm not sure what I would do

I agree with PPs. Lose the weight. It's an issue you can fix yourself and it may well solve the problem. You sound like you have a good relationship in other ways.

If I lost the weight and things didn't change then I'm not sure what I would do

well In that case it’s a different issue
But I’d say getting healthier is a worthwhile project anyway

Start by loosing the weight for your confidence and health. You might well be surprised what happens when your are confident, healthy and feel good in yourself.
Loads of people report new positive sex lives after becoming more confident and happy in themselves. Do it for you first then see where it leads but don't focus on the sex side initially, just on your own health and confidence. Are you in an age gap relationship too.

Yes in an age gap, he's 12 years older, I know he still has desires as I've seen his Pinterest (women in underwear etc) so that's not an issue.
I'm going to focus on myself, lose weight and get confident again for myself and be hopeful it changes

Yuck he's gross. And 12 years older! You are worth so much more.

Focus on losing the weight then make a decision.
I don't agree with keeping getting him to admit he doesn't feel attracted.
What men wank to is not always who they will love and marry. Men can also wank to a variety of shapes. Stop torturing yourself and focus on your weightloss.
You say he has autism, it's huge that he has the awareness not to say hurtful 'truths' or could be he is still attracted but there are other issues. You could look great and still be in a sexless relationship. The intimacy may never come back but i think you will feel better in your own skin being back to 8 or 9 stone again.

I'm going the other way. What if he ballooned due to illness would you not have sex with him. He might love you but I would suggest you find someone who will sleep with you - why should you have to lose weight?