Upset about emotionally unavailable Dad

[penguinpatrol]

My Dad is a good man (and the only family I have) but is so emotionally unavailable it makes me sad. He’s been unwell and bedbound for the last week and a half- I’ve been round before and after work every day cleaning the house, getting medication, shopping, cooking, getting drinks and food he would fancy etc… he was finally feeling a bit better today so I was hoping we could have a late Christmas Day of some sort but he just sat there and ignored me and any questions I asked in an attempt to start up a conversation. In the end I left in tears at lunch time and he hasn’t even called or messaged to see if i’m alright.

I love my dad very much and like I said he is a good man but I feel like i’m trying so hard to have a relationship with him because he is my only family but i’m just not getting anything back. He’s physically there and always has been- like if I broke down in the car somewhere for instance he’d pick me up or he’d take me to an appointment if I needed a lift but the way he treats me sometimes I feel like he does it more out of obligation than out of love and looking back I can’t even remember the last time he hugged me or told me he loved me, it must have been at least 20 years. We never go out for a meal or anything together despite me suggesting things and conversations (like today) can be like pulling teeth. He never does birthday and Christmas gifts- I don’t think he would even know what to buy as he never talks to me enough to know what I like, he just usually transfers a bit of money and writes out a card “from dad”. Today’s just made me feel like I’m totally alone in life and that no one really cares. I’m going to have to text him later to check in on him as he’s still poorly and I worry but then I realise he wouldn’t do the same for me. In fact, If I didn’t bother to call or text I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t bother with me. Am I expecting too much?

I’m so sorry to hear this and remember it’s not a reflection of you at all.

You say he’s a good man, but I don’t see that in your post. I see a man who:

• Is emotionally unavailable
• He ignores you when you do do much for him
• He gives you the silent treatment
• He gives you nothing in return
• He does give you any physical contact
• He doesn’t tell you he loves you
• He doesn’t give you any gifts (birthday or Christmas)

Some people are so disordered in their thinking that they don’t act like normal, rational, empathetic human beings.

You sound like you put a lot into the relationship but what do you get back?

My own mother is like this. A church goer who cooks for the homeless. But the other side is a mother who took absolutely no interest in me at all. She took no interest in my wedding, my husband, doesn’t buy me a Christmas present, never rings me or hasn’t visited me in over 7 years.

I’m LC with her as I realised a long time ago she is incapable of being the mother I would like her to be.

My dad is very similar to this. He is a complete narcissist.

I have gone low contact with him. I see him once a month.

If I message asking how he is he will say yeah fine, no change. He will never say "how are you?" I honestly don't think it would enter his head to ask how someone else is. His world is him.

Does your dad have friends? Does he care about others? If not he is probably a narcissist too.

I also second the poster above, your Dad isn't a "good guy'. He sounds bloody awful.

My dad is awful and fortunately I won't be that sad when he is gone.

Dooes he treat anyone else differently? Is he nice to himself at all? Does he ever have any fun or enjoyment in life? Do you, without him?

Am I expecting too much?
Obviously it is not "too much" to hope a parent might offer up the bare minimum in terms of love or affection. But maybe you need to grieve over that lost hope and comfort yourself for not having a decent parent?

I can relate a little. We made a huge effort to visit pre Christmas. Saw him with his phone by his side the whole time. Volume is up. He picks up and answers calls etc.

Then radio silence, no reply to my three text messages over a week. No phone call or text Christmas Day.

I try to remember that doing things for another person is a love language. I’m sorry you feel this way. It’s so hard to exist with a barely functional relationship,

Thanks for all the replies. I’m sorry that other people feel similar, it really is horrible.

He does have a few friends but he’s extremely introverted and would much rather sit in the house and watch tv alone than go out anywhere. He rarely socialises if that makes sense. I sometimes wonder if he’s depressed to be honest.

He is like this with everyone though. Very quiet and very much a closed book.

I suppose from his perspective being there in a practical sense shows he cares and I think if I brought it up in conversation he’d probably tell me I’m being ridiculous.

Weirdly my grandparents were very much loving and affectionate so it’s not like he’s learnt it from them!

I’m half tempted to take a step back and see if he instigates anything but then I worry about him so much I feel bad if I don’t reach out.

Was he an only child, or are there any relatives who might offer some insight into why your Dad might have ended up like this?

It's probably rather late to expect him to change much. You could try asking him the odd question about his childhood and yours... or any topic that works, given you say conversation is like pulling teeth! My Dad avoided any personal topics but would talk about e.g. lawnmowers (or sodding golf!). But ultimately he is who he is and it's going to be more a case of figuring out what sort of interactions work for the two of you.