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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I feel like I really need advice - issues with partner and ex

15 replies

mumtobbk · 26/12/2023 18:44

I feel like I really need help… I’m 30 weeks pregnant with my second child. I feel like I have no one to talk to but feel like I’m going to go out of my mind.
I’ve been with my partner for 2 years – we’ve had very bad disagreements on and off – months of bliss and then arguments where I feel its impossible and I can’t cope…

It usually stems around my contact with my ex who Is the father of my first child.

Due to my child being ill we have been in more contact over the last few days ( he also works in medicine).I know I can’t give too much info out on here…. but this morning I was messaging with me ex about the illness.. I told my partner and he got annoyed and said he was going out.3 hours later he hadn’t come back and wasn’t replying to my messages and so I went out ….got back home and he was here and wanted to speak… he told me that its unacceptable the amount of contact I have with my ex, that we are in a co-dependent relationship, that he is sharing me with another man and its unacceptable…he said ‘its not normal and its not ok’.. he will live with it but now be indifferent from now on which he said is the worst place we can be. When I ask him what amount on contact is acceptable he said it’s too late for that now and ‘that ship has sailed’.

Then he said he was going to shower and then wants to ‘hang out like normal’ and when I said I can’t hang out and that I need space to think he said ‘its the worst thing I can do…’ because he feels like he is being abandoned.

This issue has been going on for a long time – sometimes it’s fine and he’s ok with it but other times it’s a huge issue and I can’t cope with it. We’ve been seeing a therapist for a while and sometimes its helpful and other times not.
I am at the moment solely reliant on him for money – I haven’t worked in a few months since my last contract ended. We are meant to be going away on holiday with my son next week and honestly I don’t know how I’m going to be able to be around him.. I know this sounds awful but I honestly hate him so much right now.. my whole family is away I have no idea what to do. It feels impossible to communicate him…. now I’m in the house again and I have promised I’ll speak with I’m again in an hour but I really, really don’t want to as I feel like it will turn into an argument again..
Has anyone else been in a situation like this? Im seeing me therapist tomorrow but at the moment I’m just trying to stay calm as I feel sick with worry about the future..

OP posts:
sososadaboutthis · 26/12/2023 18:48

I'm glad you're seeing your therapist tomorrow. They can help to reiterate that this is coercive controlling behaviour, dictating to you who you can see and how much contact you're allowed to have. It's abusive,.I hope you can see that. You're treading on eggshells right now..I am worried that his abusive behaviour could escalate when your baby arrives, as is often the pattern. Could you talk to women's aid? Would you have somewhere safe to go?
Take care xxx

sososadaboutthis · 26/12/2023 18:50

Also, you do not have to go on holiday with this man and the threat of his arguments, indifference and silent treatment (another abusive behaviour!).

Anonymousmuma · 26/12/2023 18:55

Thankyou so much for your response... I know we don't have to go but my son is already so excited about it - they really have a great relationship- my son loves playing with him and they are close which is another thing that is very confusing... I take full responsibility of getting myself into this situation, I just don't really know how to deal with it..

category12 · 26/12/2023 18:57

He's being ridiculous and abusive.

There is nothing wrong in you having contact with your sick child's father to discuss their condition. In fact it's in your child's best interests that you are on the same page and communicating about their health.

I don't think it's any coincidence that he has stepped up the abuse while your family are away and you are dependent.

TheShellBeach · 26/12/2023 18:58

He is very abusive. Please make plans to split up.
I know it seems impossible at the moment but you and the baby will be better off without him.

OhcantthInkofaname · 26/12/2023 19:08

For your older child's sake you have to have contact with your ex. He needs to get rid of this jealousy.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/12/2023 21:48

My ex treated me like this when I was pregnant. In hindsight he became horrible as I was no longer constantly putting him and his needs first and developed some needs of my own that I expected him to meet

Please tell your family or close friends that you trust what is really happening and your midwives

It's a hugely vulnerable place to be but my ex stormed off and left when I was very very pregnant and it was traumatic and awful BUT I'm so glad I was with family to look after me properly postpartum and not him.

I would strongly consider leaving him and not putting his name on the birth certificate at least at first so that he can't control you

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/12/2023 21:49

Ps you can cancel holiday based on a fake reason from the midwife if you like

Onceuponaheartache · 26/12/2023 21:56

I was seeing someone between dd"s dad and current dp. He pulled this shit so regularly that when he walked out last time i didnt even bother to try and reason with him. Just thanked my lucky stars.

You need to leave this abusive bully.

My dd has a chronic condition and takes a form of chemo to help alleviate the symptoms. Whilst it has been a game changer it also puts her life in danger as the side effects can be lethal. She is monitored very closely by a local specialist children's hospital. I have to have daily contact with her dad to ensure she is safe and well. He is also one of my best mates.

Ex hated any contact. Current partner gets on well with him, we have regular meals together, he was here yesterday with my dsc. We are a big sometimes dysfunctional family.

Anonymousmuma · 26/12/2023 22:18

Thankyou everyone and Onceuponaheartache I'm so sorry to hear about your, DD that must be so tough... but excellent to hear you are in a much better situation now and strong co-parenting relationship with your ex.

I'm going to try to come up with a plan with my therapist tomorrow.

Thankyou again, I'm so grateful this platform exists.

Indifferentchickenwings · 26/12/2023 22:22

I am at the moment solely reliant on him for money – I haven’t worked in a few months since my last contract ended

and herein lies a big part of the problem op
this is very hard and changes the dynamics massively

can you get back to work and earning ?
Good luck with the therapy tomorrow

Anonymousmuma · 26/12/2023 22:44

Thankyou .., and I know... when I stopped working it allowed me time to focus on my son and felt a lot less stressed and present for him... I'm afraid that when I start working again with two kids (one newborn) I'll get overwhelmed and find it hard to cope as a single mum...

Also it took a long time to get my last job - times are tough in my industry and jobs aren't easy to find at the moment..

I'll have to work something out though at the moment the thought is terrifying...

BornIn78 · 26/12/2023 22:49

You post thread after thread about this guy.

Your relationship is dead in the water.

Cancel the holiday, get back to work and leave.

sososadaboutthis · 26/12/2023 22:52

Anonymousmuma · 26/12/2023 22:44

Thankyou .., and I know... when I stopped working it allowed me time to focus on my son and felt a lot less stressed and present for him... I'm afraid that when I start working again with two kids (one newborn) I'll get overwhelmed and find it hard to cope as a single mum...

Also it took a long time to get my last job - times are tough in my industry and jobs aren't easy to find at the moment..

I'll have to work something out though at the moment the thought is terrifying...

It will seem huge right now, but there will be a way. One day at a time is a good way to do things right now and won't seem as overwhelming x

Babysharkdoodoodood · 26/12/2023 22:54

Indifferentchickenwings · 26/12/2023 22:22

I am at the moment solely reliant on him for money – I haven’t worked in a few months since my last contract ended

and herein lies a big part of the problem op
this is very hard and changes the dynamics massively

can you get back to work and earning ?
Good luck with the therapy tomorrow

OP is currently 30 weeks pregnant. How do you suggest she gets back into work right now?

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