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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Had enough: being called girlfriend after 4 years engagement

20 replies

Athenatina · 26/12/2023 18:13

We've been together for 5 years and engaged for 4 years with a 2 year old child.

Recently had a fight with DP as he asked if our child could have cerebral palsy, because he "doesn't speak". Our child is perfectly smart and healthy, only speaks a bit slower as he's in a duolingual environment, he was speaking sentences when he was in a monolingual environment, but for him to ask this type of question, I feel it is not respectful to me and to our child. For that, I had a serious discussion with him, which couldn't be proceeded as he was only half engaged while playing games. I switched off his computer, and he asked me to take off the engagement ring, and "not to ask it back". As if in the past it was me begging him to give me my ring back. Even after the fight, he expressed that he has no plan of getting married with me because he didn't get anything out of our relationship. He has not made money in his investment or got promoted in his jobs, due to his own lack of insight and laziness, but he blamed all onto me.

Anyway, I'm planning my exit.

I've been living with him 2 years and I'm the person bought the home and paying the mortgage, as in his words I'm paying into my own pocket so he'll not help with any mortgage. He pays our child's nursery from the shared account but I pay in more than half what is needed for the nursery fees. He pays monthly shopping but it's less than what is worth for his share of the "rent/mortgage". Yet in his parent's mind, I'm taking advantage of him one way or another. And last time his dad found out that I took baby to wagamama, he scolded me for being wasteful, and told me off for spending on costa coffee when he's living on tesco meal deals.

In the past he also expressed that I don’t look pretty, and now I'm not making money, so I'm no longer attractive to him. Holy crap, I have no problem of being able to make money, but this is a red flag for me as if he despises me when I'm in my low point in life (having a baby set back my career progression although I'm totally capable of climbing back), even if he worships me when I'm rich and pretty I wouldn’t dare to take him back!

The question is, he purposely tells me off for being controlling when I asked him to move out of my flat in the past, and it ended up in nothing, we keep living together and raising a child together has distracted us from our problems. But he complaints about me bitterly, even after seeing my friend in a family holiday, he dared to say that he wanted to date my friend because she seems to be "less anxious of a mother" than me. He apologised afterwards but we never had sex since.

I'm asking for help as to how do I separate with him peacefully, without making it look too bad, but also protect my own interests: for example, ask him to leave in good time, even if I don't get my rent back, without having to involve the police for example if he refuses to move out. (As this has happened before and we ended up not breaking up).

Also how to work out shares on childcare and keep baby happy as before. (My hope is for him to be happier because it's not nice to grow up in a household where parents constantly fight).

OP posts:

tescocreditcard · 26/12/2023 18:19

for example, ask him to leave in good time, even if I don't get my rent back, without having to involve the police for example if he refuses to move out.

I'm not sure there is another way for you to remove him from the premises that doesn't involve the police. I suppose you could ask him to leave by a certain date and then if he hasn't gone just wait for him to go out and then change the locks.

Childcare would just be 50/50 I guess.

I hope you resolve things soon. Life sounds very miserable and stressful for you and the sooner he's gone the sooner you can focus on making life nicer for you and your child without him.

GrumpyPanda · 26/12/2023 18:19

It's your house and he hasn't contributed. If he refuses to leave, wait till he's out then change the locks. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

idkbroidk · 26/12/2023 18:28

even after seeing my friend in a family holiday, he dared to say that he wanted to date my friend because she seems to be "less anxious of a mother" than me. He apologised afterwards but we never had sex since.

WHAT ????????

TwinklingLightsEverywhere · 26/12/2023 18:35

Awful man, well done on deciding to split.

Ask him to leave, if he doesn't you can call police to have him removed but preferable to wait for him to go out and change the locks. You can often just leave your key in the door so he can't get in and wait for locksmith to come out.

If you expect him to kick off pre warn the police you may need them. For preference change the locks and go away for a few days.

You may need to go to family court to agree who gets custody of the child if he's likely to try, or to agree contact if you can't do so yourself. Maintenance payments depend on days your dc spend with him.

TwinklingLightsEverywhere · 26/12/2023 18:38

If you do change the locks and go away leave a clear note in the window stating he no longer has a right of access, just in case he tries to get a locksmith out.

Get him off the electoral register from the day you say he is to be out and return all mail to sender rather than passing it to him so he does not have evidence of living at the address.

category12 · 26/12/2023 18:45

I'm asking for help as to how do I separate with him peacefully, without making it look too bad, but also protect my own interests

Your best bet is to give up the idea of an amicable split - this man has treated you like crap and his parents are the same. It's not in his interests in any way to be pleasant about splitting - he will try to bully you and lie about you to make you afraid to stand up for yourself.

However far you try to bend for him, he'll still act like you're in the wrong. Give him an inch, he'll take a mile.

It doesn't matter how it looks (or what they say about it) - you know the reality you've been living.

RandomMess · 26/12/2023 18:58

Does he have any bills in your name at the flat such as utilities, internet, sky? Get them changed into your name.

You need to end it properly and rip the plaster off. Claim maintenance from him, register for UC in case you are eligible for help with childcare.

LittleGreenDragons · 26/12/2023 19:18

I'm the person bought the home and paying the mortgage,

You aren't married. It's your house. Kick him out, change the locks and ask for cms. Never have him back, he's a loser who is trying to mindfuck you into "behaving".

EDIT - Apologies, I seemed to have skipped your ending. Tell him to leave immediately (preferably have a friend as a witness), and send him his belongings on afterwards. If he refuses then you will have to contact the police, you have no other option if he won't go.

AllEars112232 · 26/12/2023 19:33

He sounds like a master manipulator. So, before you tell him to leave (tell not ask, it’s your house) speak to either Citizens advice or a lawyer so you know your legal position and he can’t try and twist things to undermine your confidence.

Original poster

Athenatina · 26/12/2023 22:18

His mum has been very toxic since our engagement, which is exactly why we are forever engaged and never married. It's only now he openly tells me that he doesn't want to marry me.

Whenever we're around at DC's grandma's, she always call DC out for him "not speaking", at times DC is very frustrated and becomes violent at her. This grandma has also once called the police to come and check DC when I asked his granddad to leave when he is passing rude comments about me when I'm having breakfast with baby. Of course the police was dispersed when they saw DC very happy with me.
Ideally I don't want his grandparents to be much in DC's life, but if we separate, I'm sure DP would fall back to his parents most of the time to do his dad's duty. Then the toxicity in DC's life gonna build up.

Also, is it possible to restrict DP's access to our child as well? As much as DC has a bond with him, I don't think he acts like a good role model to him, as he's quite depressed and in bed most of the time, he would leave DC cry for long period as long as he's busy.

This is the aftermath I'm not sure how to handle hence delayed making the right decision for my life.

OP posts:

WinterFaye2 · 27/12/2023 00:40

Does your DP have parental responsibility?

Sounds very bizzare re the police attending after the grandma’s phonecall. There must be more depth to that event. Would you feel that DC would be safe in DP/grandparents care, emotionally/physically?

You definitely need to leave. Very glad for you the house is in your name only!

beanontoast · 27/12/2023 00:44

There is no question here OP, this guy is a nasty, toxic loser and you deserve better. Count your blessings that you aren't married and won’t have to give him half of the house you own.

RedToothBrush · 27/12/2023 00:45

You've got yourself a prize cocklodger there.

He's not adding anything to your life, doesn't respect you, happily sponges off you and generally is a shit head.

Bin him.

Ironically if you were married you'd be in a worse off position...

theduchessofspork · 27/12/2023 00:46

Go and see citizens advice or a solicitor so you can follow the proper process and get him out for good. As he hasn’t paid you rent I don’t think he has any claim on your property.

AllEars112232 · 27/12/2023 07:23

I'm afraid your can't have answers to every question before you kick him out, nothing ever works like that.
But from what you've said the father isn't going to be rushing for contact with your child, so stop stressing on those details and work on the bigger picture.
Phone citizens advice today for an appointment, understand your rights and very him out ASAP.

Soontobe60 · 27/12/2023 07:31

First of all, a parent asking if a child might have a particular condition is perfectly ok. It’s not disrespectful to you or your child! Having an argument with him over that is bonkers.
As for the rest, he doesn’t want to marry you, you don’t seem to like him so it’s really simple - tell him he will need to leave by XXX date, pack his bags and change the locks once he’s gone. Be prepared for him to want to have his son 50/50 though.

MissyB1 · 27/12/2023 07:47

You will end up just packing his bags when he’s out, and getting the locks changed. Drop his bags at his parents house. Write him a clear factual letter (no emotions, no recriminations, just stating the fact that he no longer lives with you). Leave the letter with his belongings and keep a copy for yourself.

As pp said ensure all bills are in your name. See a solicitor about access, I would be concerned his parents might try something silly like keeping the baby. It’s important to have a solicitor advising you.

DelphiniumBlue · 27/12/2023 11:47

He's ended the engagement, he can't expect you to keep him. Obviously the relationship is over, so he needs to move out.
Just tell him that. Don't be persuaded by any backtracking, you can give him a date if you want, but he can surely go to his parents?

MILTOBE · 27/12/2023 12:03

He's incredibly disrespectful to you and his family are awful. He's not a good father at all and tbh I would think his depression is laziness, given everything else.

You're lucky his family are nearby as they can take him in. I would get his bags packed and remind him he can sleep with whoever he wants once he's gone. That should shift him.

New year, new life, OP.

In terms of your child's language development, it's well known that children growing up learning two languages take longer to speak sentences - your partner is pretty thick if he doesn't understand that.

Sandia1 · 27/12/2023 12:10

Children who grow up in multilingual households usually talk later. They are listening and taking it all in and there is nothing wrong with them. Good luck on getting rid of this loser, OP. Thank god you own the property.

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