i dont know what side of him to believe.. anyone free to talk right now?x

[KarisTiasMum]

before i start, i should say that i think my dp will go mad if he knew i was discussing our relationship on here... but i am so stuck of people to confide in that i am sort if desperate now and ijust hope he doesnt find out and if he does, he understands why..

my partner is the most caring, funny, kind, generous loving hard-working parnter i could wish for... then he suddenly flips to a nasty, spiteful, name-calling man who hates me and his life. then he walks out, ignores my calls and texts, makes me feel like i have done something wrong- when i generally havent (i dont think) and comes back and i have to walk on tip-toes until it passess. it has happened again today, he has gone now. i dont know where and i know it was over something that was not my fault and i am again being made out to be in the wrong.

please dont respond and tell me i should lave him, because i just cant. i dont want to, and i see us having a wonderful future together (when things are good) but when things are bad, they are ugly! i love him so much, i just dont know what to do and i dont know if he knows how much he is hurting me or if he is actually doing it on purpose?!

I think you should either sit him down and tell him how your relationship is making you feel, or put it in a letter.

Say you are worried about him. It def. sounds like he has a problem, and needs it sorting asap.

Could he be stressed or depressed?

What kinds of things 'flip' him? Has he ever been violent towards you?

For the record, I don't think the behaviour he is exhibiting can be classed as normal loving behaviour in a husband, and you deserve to be treated better than this.

male depression often has very different symptoms to depression in women - that irritability and anger could well be a sign.

I used to have a good link for male depression but I've lost it but just googling male depression brings up some interesting stuff.

Does this or this sound like your DP?

Sounds awful. If I may be blunt..He's doing it because he can. You let him. There are no consequences. He is nice to you, then he is a bastard to you. He walks out, you go chasing after him with texts and calls, he keeps the power and ignores you making you feel shit, then he comes back and you are grateful and scared of doing anything to 'make' him go again, so he has MORE power, he has treated you shamefully and you try to please him when he returns to you and pussyfoot around him, stroking his ego and soothing him until he decides that you have earned his nice side again. It does not bode well for you. But it is your choice. You could always try not contacting him the next time he walks out. Not walking on eggshells when he returns, telling him you are angry? You sound scared of him. Do you feel that this has the potential to become physical abuse rather than emotional?

You can't change him, you can only change you. He has to change him. But he has to want to/see a need to. From what you post - what's in it for him to change? He gets to treat you how he feels like and you chase after him and pussyfoot around him, waiting for his 'forgiveness'. Don't you think you are worth far much more than that? I do. I think Relate might be a good thing for you - on your own if he won't go.

This is a bit of jekyl and hyde syndrome - can be linked to bipolar disorder i Think, dh can be like this and to some extent agree with hecate, i used to walk on egg shells and try to be nicer, but now i stand up to him each time he does it, he still does it at times but I dont accept all the blaime for his unreasonable behaviour anymore..

My shift in attitude came by itself because i started to feel indifferent when he threatened to leave me , and each time felt stronger and almost wanted him to go..

This indiffernence has made me stronger know, I see this behaviour as his problem and not mine...all i know is I am not prepared to put up with cra, i will stand up to him, and if he wants to leave me because I challenge his behaviour than so be it..

I feel much stronger, maybe one day enough will be enough for you and you will challenge this behaviour, afterall who wants to be with someone who requires you to walk on eggshells all the time

sorry i didnt reply to all your messages sooner, and thank youfor all the replies.

GW- the link you gave me about male depression is a perfect match to him, i just dont know how to approach it with him now...

i think there is a very good chance he is depressed, we havea lot on at the moment. i have just come out of hospital havinghad spinal surgery and he has had to take a lot on to help me and he is doing great with that.. but i cant blame that really as he has always been like this since i met him. He has had a very stressful life and real problems with his son who was in personal trouble but is now doing really well and coming out of the other side.. and as i am now on the road to recovery from my big op, i cant understand how he is so unhappy sometimes?! things are great! better than they have been for ages.. and everything is really looking up for us. and sometimes when he is in a good mood, he totally agrees but when he flips out, he hates all of us and his life and just wants to pack his bags (and has done many times, never left).

is it because i am letting him get away with it!? i dont know how i should react? i have never been one to be walked over but for some reason it is different with him because i daren't argue or say my piece because sometimes it makes things worse OR he just doesnt listen.

When he is angry, the grass is always greener and he sees our relationship as a waste, and says things to me that frankly i would not say to my worst enemy.. but when he is good he is loving and patient and funny and just really happy!

it has got to a point now where i dont want to talk to people in RL about it because they would form the obvious opinion of leaving him, but it just is not that easy and i just really dont want that. if there is a way of helping him/us then i will do whatever it is before giving up.

Hi,
I'm sorry you're going through all this. It sounds similar to the relationship I have with my DH. He finds the responsibility of supporting a family overwhelming at times and it comes out as resentment towards me and the smallest thing can spark it when he's under alot of stress.
Not actually being violent but being very aggressive.
It makes me very angry and silent, leading to sniping comments from me, and I generally give him the angry, silent, ignoring treatment until he is ready to be reasonable again. When he is, we can on the whole discuss why he was unreasonable and I can point out why his behaviour was unacceptable. It is unquestionably linked to his anxiety, and once he started taking Prozac these episodes lessened. When calm, he readily confesses his life be a mess if he did not have me. The prozac takes the edge off the anxiety and allows him to be more positive about life.
His own father was the same/worse than this when he was growing up (although is lovely now) and worked long and hard to support the family, and DH admits this is the reason that when he was younger, he never wanted a family because he didn't want to become his father.
When your DP is 'normal' again, why not ask him if he does it on purpose? Most likely, yes as he wants you to 'suffer' as he feels he does. I think it comes about due to an inability to see a situation from anybody else's perspective than his own. I think it's important to point out all the good things you do for him and the family, but calmly and without sounding whingy, but to fight your corner positively.
I can't help you out, as I can't say that I deal with it in the best way, just the way that gets me through it when it happens (not all the time, by the way!). But you're not alone. I'd say don't walk on eggshells, just stay away from him and let him see that his behaviour leads to lonliness.
I don't know how many couples go through this, as we're unlikely to discuss it too much with RL friends.
Sorry, and good luck. x.