Absolutely had enough

[whyalltheusernames]

You know when something so small just pushed you over the edge.
Well this Christmas it started on Christmas eve because I told the children to turn the television off before teatime and husband had a go at me. Christmas day I didn't make enough food and he wanted more. Boxing day I didn't make eggs on toast for breakfast for the kids. "They should have eggs on toast every morning, why do I have to make this into an argument, can you just make them eggs instead of lazily giving them cereal" (cereal is always weetabox/porridge/granola etc.theres no problem there with me filling them with junk)

As not to drip feed I am always told what to do by my husband because in his mind he knows better than me. Even though all these 'great ideas' he doesn't do himself.
I'm at sahm so I do all the cooking/cleaning/pay bills/shopping/school runs/dog care.
I have a small part time flexible job which I work either school hours of evenings.
The only thing I don't do is drive, so any driving is left to him.
He thinks he is gods gift because he goes to work and occasionally drives his children to places.

I've asked him to leave multiple times but he has nowhere to go so he wont. He wouldn't dream of going back to his parents. The house is rented and we are both on the tenancy.

I don't really know why I posted. Needed to vent really.

Sorry you're going through this OP. Sounds like you already know you'd be better off without him, but that he's making it very difficult for you to leave him.

The way he treats you sounds quite emotionally abusive. It sounds like he's very patronising and puts you down. Does he actually appreciate you or say anything nice to you at all? He sounds like a complete asshat with no respect for you.

Do you ever bite back at him, and if so, what happens? So for example, when he made the egg comment, what would he have done if you said 'Theres nothing wrong with cereals on boxing day, even if they're junk ones. If you think they should have eggs on toast and it's that important to you, make it yourself'.

Just because you are a SAHM it does not exempt him from chores and childcare. He has a full time job, but so do you- being a SAHM! Once he's home responsibilities become more 50/50 again.

Does your tenancy end soon OP? If so, take the opportunity to leave when you can. Seek support from a charity or something to help you prepare financially if you need to. Don't tell him you're planning this as he will probably try and manipulate you. He also sounds like the kind of person who would try and say you're an unfit parent if you leave, so tread carefully. Otherwise, is there anywhere you could go temporarily, like your parents or etc, with the children?

Thankyou for the reply. Yes I do speak back but even then I'm still wrong. As in this morning, I was told "you have to admit that eggs are better than cereal"

It's relentless when he starts. Then he can go for weeks at a time, gushing over me, I'm fantastic, he's so happy, blah blah. But I'm always waiting for that one thing to piss him off. Then he's in a strop for days until he feels like speaking again.

I'm hoping to be finished my studies in May. Then I'm job hunting for when the youngest starts school in September. Once I've got a full wage coming in and I'm more secure I think il just go with the kids. He would be the type to say I'm an unfit parent but then quite quickly peddle back when it's his time to sort the kids out solely.
Luckily I'm working tomorrow afternoon so I can have a few hours breathing space. He has responsibility of the children as they aren't at school.

There's no space at my parents otherwise I'd of packed up and left long before this.

Eggs are better than cereal…but if he isn’t going to do them eggs, then cereal is better than nothing!

His being an arse!

It is all dry well to vent but the underlying problem ie him remains.

You are being abused here by your husband. He is not the boss of you yet treats you (and in turn the kids) like some sort of serf. You’re all supposed to do as he says in his warped mind. Other people in his orbit are not treated this poorly by him, he is likely all sweetness and light to those in the outside world.

He has likely not encouraged you to drive nor does he actually want you to learn. Teaching you to drive will cost him money, money that he earns and therefore sees as his and his alone. You are being economically abused by him as well. He could also not make it at all easy for you to get a job outside the home, citing concerns re childcare etc. He is not going to help you re that.

Men like yours refuse to leave as a matter of course and as a further way to punish their target, in this case you. He also likes it when you answer him back as that gives him a further challenge to drag you down.

What you are also seeing from him is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one.

I would seek legal advice asap re separation and divorce. Do not further do your not here to show your kids that this relationship example could become their norm too. You do not have to act on that immediately but knowledge here for you is power. However, the longer you and he are together the harder it could feel to you to actually leave. You need to plan your exit from this with due care and attention and sooner rather than later. Contacting Women’s Aid is a must do as you will get further advice and support that way too.

Well he can make eggs! You are not a sahm as you work too. Him working full time doesnt meant he does nothing…

He isnt a support is he and he wont change so you’d be better off without him. The nasty/nice cycle is abuse.

This isn't about the eggs, this is pure abuse. He is following the cycle of abuse, hence the nice bits.

There is loads online and YouTube which explains in more detail. Ultimately you have to find a way out.

Do you have friends on real life you can talk to?

@AttilaTheMeerkat you are right. I answer back and he laughs and drags me down more with more abuse.
It's absurd. I know it's over but it's getting to that point which I'm struggling.
The one thing I can say for myself is, I know my worth, and it's more than this.

@Naughtytom I have one friend but she's going through her own shite atm also. Hence the turn to mumsnet for some advice and support. I'm not going mad. It is abuse. I can see it. I just need to get myself in that position where I can support myself and the kids a bit better.

Hmm what type of bread is he buying ?🤔🤔

Don't put up with this shit literally look him dead in the eye and tell him

1. Do the stuff himself and do not criticise you.
2. Leave

@MistletoeandJd just your bog standard 50/50 loaf. Not something I want to give them every morning.

He slept on the sofa last night and as we've come down he's gone up to bed. This is another regular thing he does.

Its all so boring and I can't believe he's ended up like this. 18 years we have been together, I loved him but now if he walked out the door , I wouldn't care if I ever seen him again.

Sorry the pettiness in me would be determined to prove him wrong and at times good cereals can be better then bread 🤭🤭.

Withdrawing affection time and intimacy from his family but as long as they get them eggs they will be fine 🙈.

You need to leave are you married ? Renting or bought ?

I have faith in you, OP, that you will be OK. I think learning to drive now would be a good thing. Why not start lessons in the new year. You've already decided that you don't want to be with him (and I don't blame you- he reminds me of my ex), so continue to be proactive in preparing yourself. Good luck xxx

Do you think you can do the grey rock approach? For your own sanity while you make plans .
What happens if you just say "mmmm...yes dear"...and carry on with cereal or whatever it is ?
And please learn to drive ...it's such an important skill for independence.

I have a car that I can learn in. So that's the aim for this year. I'd like to be driving at the latest September which would coincide with the youngest going to school and being able to work full time and driving would just open all my options up. I have done my test before and failed, but I feel my confidence has taken a bashing from him over the years and driving is another thing he will have a go at me for, it leaves me a nervous wreck on lessons. That and because I need to do it so much , I put too much pressure on myself.

Of course he won't support you with learning to drive, because while he is the only one that can, he has more power over you.