Where do I go from here

[Madeafuckofeverything]

I hate what I’ve done to myself. I moved to my DH’s home country decades ago, at the time completely underestimating how disliked my nationality is there. I came here with such warmth and excitement for my new home. It didn’t take long to realise how people feel about the likes of me here. Over the years I’ve sucked up the bad feeling I’ve experienced and over compensated by being as nice and smiley as possible.

Husband wasn’t great, looking back now with hindsight, certainly massively unsupportive and probably abusive at times (financially and emotionally). Kids are adults now but would feel anti-my nationality too, unfortunately as this is the status quo here. Feel let down by everyone . What’s triggered this post is a rant about my home place by one of my adult kids, but I always feel down about it so that was just bringing things back into focus to be honest. I feel on edge and defensive all day every day. I was trapped here for sure when the kids were younger and I guess I’m now looking back over it all with such regret and anger (mainly at myself). Can’t get over it. I mean, really it’s all I think about. Not healthy. Feel like I messed up the best years of my life living amongst people I can’t win over.

I feel even if I went back to where I came from, I have raised a family that detest what I am and where I’m from. How did I manage to do this and not act sooner? I’m so angry with myself. I’ve thought of all sorts of ways of taking myself out of the situation but, as I’m meek and cowardly, I know I couldn’t follow through.

Im hoping some of you out there will know what I’m experiencing and have some coping strategies for me as I feel broken by it. Sorry that’s so dramatic.

Please be gentle. I’m a fucking mess. I’ve no idea what answers im looking for. Maybe just a hand hold.

Oh love, I don't have any answers, sorry, but I can offer you a handhold and a big unmumsnetty hug. That sounds so sad and demoralizing. I'm sorry. In an ideal world, what would you like to happen moving forward?

'I'm thinking of going home for a visit. Would you like to come and learn more about your heritage? I've heard you all say some pretty unfair things over the years but like it or lump it you are half that nationality. And I love my homeland personally. How about instead of judging based on stereotypes, you come see for yourself how pretty/interesting/cultured our country is?'.

If they're still arseholes about it
'Well, suit yourself. But in future I'd thank you all to have a bit more respect considering I'm your mother and I come from there. I didn't raise you to be rude and unkind'.

Thank you @octoberfarm for your kindness and to you @Pinkbonbon too for those words. I’m going to use them. That’s just what I really needed. Kind words and a coping strategy. I know when I try to argue back with the kids I’m just alienating them but those phrases are great.

I know I also need to think about what I want my future to look like.

There was a thread a while ago from someone in your situation. They were English in (rural) Ireland. Is that your situation, OP?

Yes op, just because your life has been one way up to a point, doesn't mean you have to continue that way.

Your kids are adults now so capable of fending for themselves. If thry insist on being unkind, you can distance yourself from them as much as you'd like. You've realised their father isn't good company too...so maybe it's time to consider separating.

It doesn't have to be all of a sudden. Just start looking into things like benefits you'd be entitled to if you left him or taking a course/volunteer work to help you find work if you haven't worked in a while. Maybe consider getting a therapist to talk things through with. And speaking with your gp incase a mild antidepressant might help kick start your drive.

You'll find all the small steps add up.
Focus on one step at a time.

What really helped me when I felt listless about life was, don't laugh xD but, a vision board. Well, a vision wall infact. Have you a cupboard or somewhere no one else will look? You write words or cut out pictures from magazines and stick thrm on the wall (use white tac, not blue tac BTW...lesson learned there).

Things like hobbies you want to pursue, places you want to visit, things you want to become (eg: 'bold'). It's ideas and wishes...I think that seeing them written makes it easier for us to make them goals.

So examples might be a picture of a sunset on a beach in Thailand, 'guitar lessons', 'confidence', a picture of a cute little cottage like you'd one day like to live in, 'new job' 'healthy lifestyle', 'a happy life' and 'freedom' etc..

Are you English in Ireland @Madeafuckofeverything? I’ve found that people born in England to irish parents or born in Ireland to an English parent will be more anti English to ‘prove’ their Irishness, which is very hard to hear on a regular basis. I imagine it would also be the same for other nationalities with historic tension.

As a PP had said, some phrases about the reality of their mixed heritage and having respect for yours may at least tone the performa hate down a bit.
If you were to move back and they think being hateful is worth more than their respect of you or an ongoing relationship with you, they need to be told to grow up. They are mixed heritage whatever they choose to say.

This is all really helpful and giving me such perspective, thank you all. You’re hitting the nail right on the head - it’s definitely a need to prove themselves and not be seen as ‘foreign’. That makes so much sense.