Another Christmas/in-laws post

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Aibu
My family live local but we don't see much of each other , no problem talk regularly just getting on with own things
My partners parents live 2 hour drive away . Mil has mental health problems, she's not offensive but difficult to engage with , odd thoughts and behaviour . My FIL is v different, dominates conversations , rude ,boring , definitely on the Asd .
We arrange to see them just before Christmas for a weekend meal , night out so we can have a nice time with our children aged 8 and 15 ,children very polite and accepting but it's not easy as they can't have an easy conversation either with grandparents.
This year we went to see them week before Christmas,we took presents and they didn't give children any ( not unusual ) but now they want to see us over Xmas to give presents but we have no time at all . Partner works away so these 2 weeks are v precious for us with our children .
My family all get together on Boxing Day we invited my in-laws one year and it didn't go well , I accept them but my family felt awkward and I can't say my mil enjoyed herself . They usually go to see their other son in South America every Christmas for a few months , we've been twice , once before children and once after before our eldest went to school , we went for a month but it's a major city and not great for children , youngest not been .
My partner now saying he wants us all to go next Xmas , his brother and wife / family are lovely but I've been twice , don't really like it and it's a long way to go , v expensive and takes up precious time with my family when my mum is aged and widowed .

My partner is going to visit his brother alone for 3 weeks this year to go walking and have time , I don't like it but have accepted it's something he really wants to do .

Yesterday my partner was upset when I said I didn't want to spend the money next year going to South America or take girls out of school to go and I wouldn't cancel plans for his parents to come over this week ( plans we have are ticket events that his parents couldn't come and with friends )

We had a lovely Christmas Day except for this tiny disagreement
Am I being selfish ?

"My partners parents live 2 hour drive away . Mil has mental health problems, she's not offensive but difficult to engage with , odd thoughts and behaviour . My FIL is v different, dominates conversations , rude ,boring , definitely on the Asd" .

I realise they are your partner's parents etc but why would you at all subject yourself, let alone your children, to these people given how difficult they actually are. They likely do not want to see anyone and it just makes for an uncomfortable situation. If he wants to see them he can go on his own, you people do not have to follow. Am glad to read that you stood up for yourself here re your man who is seemingly calling all the shots. Nice of him too, NOT, to leave you and the kids for 3 weeks whilst he goes off walking with his brother.

On a far wider level I would consider if this is a relationship you actually want to stay in. Would you want your children to be in such a relationship?.

You would not tolerate this from one of your friends surely and they are no different. And you may well be completely wrong regarding FIL being on any autistic spectrum. It also shows little to no understanding on your part of what ASD actually is. His behaviours suggest more of he being like this due to his personality rather than ASD.

Couldn't disagree with the previous poster more.

Mental health issues shouldn't be stigmatised and why should people that are struggling be punished for that?

Children are resilient and its good for them to realise not everything is hunky dory for everyone. They're not at risk and are of an age that they can receive an explanation. That being said, I wouldn't be taking them abroad as it's simply not practical

I don't see why you have to spend time with people who bring no joy into your life. I wouldn't be taking my children half way across the world to somewhere they won't enjoy. The perfect compromise is for your DH to go alone. Which he's already planned to do!

Also, as your DD is 15 and most likely in the middle of her GCSEs there is no way I'd be pulling her out of school to go anywhere next Christmas.

Thank for replies
@AttilaTheMeerkat
I'm confident if my back door diagnosis of ASD of FIL ,having worked with ASD and studied it to degree level he is absolutely spot on with a diagnosis of high functioning ASD . I make allowances and explain his sometimes rude behaviour to our children , that's why we see them for an organised event like a meal or club night ( fil has no sensory issues and likes drinking and club nights so we go and actually sometimes have a fun night ) but my partner is under some pressure to see his parents more and I've said that's ok sometimes but not always to involve me or our children or to change our plans .

My girls know they are different and I've explained it as sympathetically as I can without making them feel they have to spend time with them and never alone

The walking with brother , his parents will be there too . He hasn't seen his brother for a few years and he nearly died of covid . It's a one off never to be repeated holiday , he knows that . And no I won't be taking our girls out of school . Their summer is our winter so if they visit it's in their 6 weeks at Xmas so it's long .

I know my partner is disappointed that I'm being more decisive in what I do . But im disappointed that he expects me to do more with his family

He's a good father and partner who grew up with a dominating father and a silent mother which im definitely not ( neither are our girls )

Sounds like your man is or has been trying to dominate you and your daughters, just as his own father did with him. Look at what he learnt about relationships from his parents, he learnt a lot of damaging lessons. He also should be pleased, not disappointed, that you are being more decisive in what you do.

Even with all the experience you have, you cannot assume ASD re your FIL. You may be right but equally you may well be wrong. Fact remains he has seemingly never been assessed by anyone qualified to make such a diagnosis.

If your man is working away as well when does he actually spend time with you all as his family?.

As others have said you cannot assume ASD. I spend the day yesterday with my autistic husband and am popping to his autistic father's tonight. Neither dominates conversations, are rude or boring, nor, are these part of the diagnostic criteria for autism.

I am avoiding my husbands step dads at lunch today as he has ADHD and doesn’t manage it.As he can’t control his impulses he dominates conversation, including talking over others. He’s also an arse so is incredibly rude. I have ADHD and work hard at controlling it, which is why is one of the reasons his lack of action to manage his disability annoys me.

I didn't mean to offend anyone with my comment of ASD , yes ofc not everyone is these character traits because of ASD , it was as well as ASD ( sorry but I worked in an ASD team around diagnosis for 20 years until 4 years ago , and as most will know ASD wasn't widely recognised 60 years ago when my Fil was a child so undiagnosis for people over 50 is quite common)
My BIL and nephew both have ASD and are absolutely great company .

My partner works away 2 days / nights a week every other week so he is around but him being at home for a two week stretch is quite special / unusual .

Surely you can find an hour or two in the midst of two weeks to see your family.

Your MIL sounds vulnerable with a mh issue. Can you not offer a little compassion and care? For a couple of hours? It would set a great example to your children.

When you are a gp would you want to see your DD over Christmas?

@madroid
They live 2 1/2 drive away , five hour round trip that's why we went to see them last weekend , Saturday night out , Sunday lunch and a walk . I think that shows quite a lot of effort ?

We have two children who have plans so no time without changing plans or activities.