Affair/Pregnancy

[MoodyMum94]

Hi All,

I had a horrible few months. My partner had a mental breakdown after having sudden fear of our second child arriving. He got more and more distant and we argued more and more.

I had a feeling he was having an affair as there was certain things happening that are not like him at all.

This was confirmed a few days ago. Since then he has been so apologetic, sympathetic, has answered my every question and has shown a lot of remorse. He met up with the 'mistress' to end it, he sat in a place I could see them at all times- I didn't ask him to, he told me I could do 'drive bys' if I wanted. I spoke to her myself also to hash it out.

It's still very new of course... I'm 36 weeks pregnant now, it's Christmas & it's been a hell of a few months. I'm scared I'll never trust him again, let alone be able to semi forgive.

Has anyone experienced this and made it out?

Merry Christmas xx

it's not really for anyone else to say whether to stay or go for me breaking the trust like this would be game over. what I would say is this; being close to giving birth is what you need to concentrate on then after when things are more settled you can think what you feel and need to do. sending hugs

You will never trust him again. You need to take the time to think about what you want to do.
Have a think about which surname you want to give baby.

I found out my husband was cheating on me a few weeks ago. This was the final nail in the coffin though. There were other problems before that. We don’t have children though. I have now moved to another place. I think I deserve better that checking on him on whether he cheats etc.

Now, things with kids become way more complicated let alone when you have another one on the way. I am not sure what I would do but would probably give him sometime until the second child turns 2. During this time I would take care of myself and set up financially and prepare to leave with my kids If things didn’t change in these 2 years. One more reason I would do that is for him to help with the kids for the next 2 years. Then If things didn’t change - and highly likely they won’t- I would throw him in the garbage and move on after I have set a proper framework/structure.

I do not understand what is it with men and pregnancy. I think to a certain extent it is anxiety for a baby coming, they antagonise their children and feel neglected etc but I also think that a large part of it is because they feel that they can now take you for granted and they can reveal their true self because besically they think you can’t leave when you have kids.

This absolutely breaks my heart. Men cheating while their partner/wife is pregnant is so utterly risky. It puts babe and mum in jeopardy.

What you choose to do is so dependant on you. I knew what would make ME happier so chose to stay, I could see the benefits of staying with a remorseful man over the benefits of leaving. BUT for many MANY it is game over and is a deal breaker, which is absolutely right for them. That decision is up to you.

The first part of that is watching to see if he truly is determined to do and be better.

’This was confirmed a few days ago. Since then he has been so apologetic, sympathetic, has answered my every question and has shown a lot of remorse.’

This is a good start but I don’t believe cheats are remorseful a few weeks after being found out. This takes time and a LOT of introspection. Right now I imagine he is guilt ridden and regretful. Be VERY cautious, as it’s my opinion, that cheating creates highs in the same way that drugs and alcohol (dopamine hits) do and when the regret/guilt/shame tails off they still need the high and that’s when the contact with affair partner happens again.

I have some resources that would help you.
Firstly get yourself a copy of ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’, read it yourself so you understand the requirements then hand it to your partner.
Get yourself onto Surviving Infidelity and read stories around reconciliation. You’ll see the warning signs for false reconciliation. Their wayward forum is also interesting as you can see red flags for people still in cheating mode.
Get yourself in individual counselling to really unpick if this is a deal breaker for you.

As for forgiveness and trust these are my thoughts.
Forgiveness is overrated. I did not forgive. Why should I? He did something awful and unforgivable. I have accepted it happened and that I had the capability of moving in from this act. FWIW he doesn’t ‘forgive’ himself either.
Trust is not something that once broken cannot be repaired for everyone. If both partners want to repair the trust it is just consistent actions over time that start to slowly rebuild it. I was once told it was like a bucket being filled one drop at a time from consistent actions and that’s been true for me. I trust my husband as much as I trust anyone now. But I really trust myself to take care of me.

Ultimately it is your choice. You have a huge amount to process and the trouble with infidelity is it’s like an onion and the layers and layers of pain just take time to peel away and deal with.

Whatever you decide don’t forget you are the prize and he needs to bloody fight for you!

Leave. You will be doing yourself a massive favour in the long run. He will do it again at some point.