Ex still asking me for sex 3 months after split

[MummyofoneT]

Hi,

I broke up with my ex about 3 months ago (I initiated the split) we are still living together while the house is up for sale. He keeps asking me for sex and it's really upsetting me now. I've explained I don't want to as it will mess my head up multiple times and it has bought me to tears a few times as it makes me feel like I am rejecting him & the feelings if guilt come back.

He tried it again last night so I've spent Xmas day pretty upset as I got no apology after. He also said because I am clearly on dating sites (which I am on one but he is too as I saw his Tinder message pop up!) I must be wanting to have sex with other men so why can't I have it with him. I feel like he doesn't respect me or care about my feelings at all to keep trying it on after he has seen me crying about it.

Do you think I am being overly sensitive or is this as out of line as I think it is? We have one DC too so the tension this is creating isn't good at all x

All communication (re your dc) to be via email from now on. Maybe take someone with you for handovers. He's harassing you. Consider asking the police for advice. He sounds utterly revolting. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Edited to add: sorry I've just re-read and realised you are actually living with this utter creep. Is he doing anything else unpleasant? Does he suggest there will be consequences if you say no or threaten you in any way at all?

Basically he needs to piss off and leave you alone.

I think you should maybe ring the police and ask them about coercive controlling behaviour.

This is shocking behaviour.. cab u ask him.. to go elsewhere

Tell him to only communicate with you in future through your solicitor.

Is the pestering getting more persistent? Do you feel safe?

I don’t think the police are going to be much help. You basically just need to make the split- is there anywhere else you could stay? Yes it’s his issue but the only way you can get him to piss off is to live in a different house! You might get some help towards renting if you’re entitled to UC?

This is worrying. Is there anywhere you can stay until the house is sold e.g. moving back in with your parents? Have you at least moved into a separate room in the house and put a lock on the door for while you sleep?

You need to not live together and maybe toughen up a bit. You don’t need to feel guilty. You don’t want to be in a relationship with him and that clearly includes not wanting sex with him. Next time just say “not if you were the last man alive” and leave it at that.

We have been in separate rooms for a long time even before we split. I do feel safe he would never hurt me or force himself on me thank god or I would not be here. I can't move in with my parents (that's a whole other story). Luckily he works nights so I have 5 out of 7 evenings on my own. He even said yesterday how he feels like I am running away from him as I don't want to act like best friends...the reason for this is every time I do this happens!. Feel so trapped and had no offers in the house yet. Can't afford to rent somewhere else and pay the mortgage x

Forgot to say we have been together for 20 years and have one DC, this is why I am rather upset at being treated like this as we have been together since teenagers x

sounds like he hasn’t accepted you don’t want to be with him. Is there absolutely no option for you to live elsewhere? I think the problem is that people can turn uncharacteristically nasty when they feel rejected. Hopefully he’ll meet someone else

You feel like he doesn't respect you or care about your feelings: because he doesn't respect you or care about your feelings.

Stop trying to justify 'no'. No means no. You don't have to give a reason. Just 'we're over, stop asking me'. Don't try to be his friend. He doesn't see you as a friend.

On the 2 nights he is home,be out or stay in your room. Never hang out with him. Don't do his washing or cooking. And get off online dating. You're still living with your ex. It's only going to stir up more drama.

@BungleandGeorge I think you are right about him turning nasty when rejected. I get what you are saying about online dating @Pinkbonbon however after I split up with him I borrowed his handset as my phone was stolen, and unfortunately for him I found out he had cheated on me over a year ago. I'm not looking for another relationship for a long time but a casual hookup to make me feel a little better about myself & after the hell he has put me through since we split I thought wasn't the worst idea x

And focus on getting your house sold. Whitewash, minimslise clutter, focus on the kitchen and bathroom (even just adding some new fancy taps can help). Consider any smells that may need neutralised like litter trays. Have a friend do a walk through and tell you anything off putting they notice. Consider reducing the price.

Thanks @Pinkbonbon yes am trying my best on the house. Only been on a few months but some viewers are put off by things that are out of my control annoyingly, most have said it's well decorated. Good idea about having a friend walk through though! X

I would tell him in so many words that you might want sex, but it won’t be with him. He’s a prick.

@ChocolateCinderToffee I said that in my head believe me...but he has been vile when he is angry over the past few months and I don't fancy going back there x

A casual hookup is not going to make you feel better. (And certainly not if he finds out about it!)

He is already using you looking to date to his own advantage in order to headfuck you.

Wait until you're out at the very least.
One night stands are very hit and miss even when our self esteem is already healthy as to whether they will make us feel better or worse.

And having lived with this...icky situation with him...you'll be susceptible to further manipulative sorts until you've got out and regained emotional healthiness and strengthened your boundaries.

He’s being a knob. But also what are you both doing on dating sites when you’re still
living together with one DC under the same roof?! Maybe separate properly, wait until the house has sold and move on before trying to get a new partner/hookup. It will only mess with your head and likely your child’s head too if they get any whiff of this.